In pizza we crust

No, this post is not about pizza.  Instead, I decided to use that title to introduce  yet another commentary on those ‘words of wisdom’ that grace marquees around town.  And, let me tell you, I had a plethora of ‘pearls’ to pick from.

My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states

Every time I drove by Roy’s General Store and read this, I chuckled.  Especially when I discovered the identity of the Marquee Madame at this particular establishment.  I think she is illegal in 37 states.  Remember, she once posted  the only thing hotter than our  cashiers is our coffee. Yeah, … .

I know this is quite shocking, but I know nothing about hunting or trapping.(sarcasm intended) I do know that November 15 IS like a National holiday here in Northern Michigan – opening season for deer hunting. But that’s about it. That’s why, I was curious if, in fact, steel traps were illegal as stated.  And,

… they’re not.  Only eight states have banned or severely restricted the use of the leghold trap. But as of 2005, the steel trap is illegal in 90 countries.  That’s something substantial.

ten fast facts about trapping

I have no idea where ’37′ came from.  Maybe the rustiness of her steel trap?  Still, …  ’37′ works for me.  Even if it is incorrect. Saying illegal in 8 states is pretty unremarkable. And, it’s all about the drama, right? ( heavy sigh )

Be that as it may, I can’t hold  such an indiscretion against her.  She produces some very humorous maxims.  In pizza we crust is damn funny!

If you want to be certain to get the last word – apologize

Well, that’s complete bullshit.  So, passive-aggressive in my opinion.  I’ve written before that I am not the best communicator.  But that’s usually in small talk, mingling crap situations. I’m not that interesting of a dude to sustain idle chit-chat for extended periods of time. But, when real shit needs to be discussed – I usually speak my mind.  This can be … unfortunate.  I do, however, recognize when I’ve faulted and apologize accordingly.  Though, I would never use an apology to manipulate a conversation.

If the broom fits – ride it

Initial reaction: so dumb.  Especially since this very office marquee once posted - Never play leap frog with a unicorn.  Even dumber.  Then I read it again and … .  Holy shit! The subtle, understated message was revealed in one epiphanic moment. (Pause) Sorry, it wasn’t that profound.  I just got carried away. I still think it’s funny.  Even funnier – mentally add a coma and one simple word.

If the broom fits – ride it, witch

I am just being festive, okay?  Halloween is less than two weeks away.  Otherwise, a similar sounding word would’ve definitely been inserted, of course.  But, for now, I’ll remain festive.


all about swagger

Apparently there is a new dance move.  Well, it’s not really new.  The craze has already come and gone in my household.  Truthfully, I think it’s come and gone a few different times since its debut.  It was quite the ‘thing’ at the Summer Olympics.

The Dab

Considering I’m always behind on the latest trend. the fact that it’s come and gone is nothing new.  Remember, I still wear corduroy. Especially on November 11.  According to a girl I work with, corduroy will never be back in style.  She suggested a bonfire for the corduroy clothing items I own.  Goodwill has … standards, too. Or so I’m told.

To be properly educated, I searched ‘dab’.  Contrary to what I expected, ‘dab’ is really not a noun – like the Dab.  It’s more a verb – think action: the art of dabbing.  So I went with that and was … concerned at my expanded search.  I was even more concerned when my son actually knew what I was concerned about.  Even more concerning, he wasn’t concerned AT ALL.

Hint: it has nothing to do with mountain biking.  Or dancing.

  • A dance craze that originated in Atlanta, you don’t just do the Dab, you feel the Dab! Let the beat guide you and when the drop comes in, you tilt your head into your inner elbow while simultaneously lifting your right forearm, sneezing is a good example. The Dab is all about swagger, there’s nothing cool about whippin’ your head aimlessly.

Betty White dabs, baby

  • To touch one’s foot to the ground while bicycling. Considered to be a lost style point among trail riders, mountain bikers,bike polo players, among others.  Sometimes called a “foot down.”
  • A new form of smoking weed. Instead of smoking the buds of the marijuana plant, kids now smoke the oil from it. It does get you way higher, but also may cause more harmful mental effects than it does good ones. A “dabber” is a dentistry looking tool for scraping the oil out of the oil slick.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – damn kids.   Anyway, … .

I, of course, want to focus on the dance trend. I have never and will never dab.  Hell, I’d probably throw out my back if I even tried.  Of my three kids, my youngest dabs the best. My son thinks he looks cool, but my youngest actually has sharper reflexes.  My middle child doesn’t succumb to peer pressured type crazes. Funny fact: A few months back I took my daughters to the theater.  My son was there seeing a different movie.  When my youngest made eye contact with him, they ‘dabbed’ hello.  Consequently, his dab nearly took out the innocent bystander next to him, but we all got a chuckle out of the incident.

Strike a … dab.

Happy “you guys” days

I think I’ve mentioned this before – I AM a Hallmark slug.  Truthfully, I concentrate on two occasions – birthdays and anniversaries.  Yes, I buy the baby card, congratulations on surviving High School and indulge in Hallmark holidays that occur periodically throughout the year.  I even posted about the ever changing, alternative greetings available for Mother’s Day. (Simply stated 05-7-2014)  Note – still on the fence on this issue.

For this post, I wanted to focus on the anniversary card.  Usually I have a generic stack of 0.99 centers that have the simple, equally generic wish.

Happy Anniversary – Flintstones style

However, for family members and other suitable recipients, I look for something more appropriate.  And, just like the Mother’s Day greetings things have … changed.  No longer do I have to read through paragraphs of nauseating verse.  Shit, after twenty plus years of marriage some couples have nothing described in any card choice whatsoever.   Sending a couple going through counseling a card that reads -

Still happily married, still adorably in love.
Happy  ”you guys” day

- isn’t the best idea.  Furthermore, I don’t even think “you guys” is proper English. (sarcasm intended)

Luckily, Hallmark actually has a suitable, encouraging option – a ‘difficult year’ category.  Or cards that have verse describing what it’s really like being married for twenty plus years.  And, I gotta tell you, there is nothing ‘adorably’ about it.  Furthermore,, all these cards are written in proper English.  Fear not all you delusional romantics that are probably still single or honeymooners, there will always be the cards with nauseating verse.  That cost $5.99 each, of course. 

Have no idea where else I’m going with this, so I’ll stop. If not,  my rant will become what I don’t want it to be – negative.  You see, like Hallmark, I AM real.  I’m just kicking myself that I never purchased stock long ago.

Happy Anniversary – LRB

would you rather

This post has been a pending draft for some time.  A few months back, my youngest randomly asked me whether I would rather fart confetti or burp chocolate syrup.  Initially, I couldn’t respond – thrown quite  off guard by the inquiry.  When I finally stopped laughing, I asked where she had heard such a thing.  This is my youngest, so I’ve  experienced my share of … interesting ‘facts’ from even more interesting sources over the years.  Translation: the Internet.  Luckily this one was harmless and quite fun.

buzz feed – would you rather quiz

Over the next few months, I waited, wanting more random, would you rather opportunities.  Unfortunately, I was disappointed.  Every now and then, I would casually hint for crazy scenarios that only a thirteen year old with an active imagination could create.  Once again – nothing. Her responses were … forced at best.  I offered a a few examples – some lame – some not so lame.  However, none equaled that of the original bodily function variety.

Until now.

My horoscope by Rob Brezny in the current issue of  the Northern Express  hit the proverbial would you rather jackpot. It read:

What tools will work best for the tasks you’ll be invited to perform in the coming weeks? A sledgehammer or tweezers? Pruning shears or sewing machine? A monkey wrench or screwdriver?

Alas, my post had inspiration.  Draft status no more.  A sledgehammer or tweezers? POW! or would you rather PLUCK?

That being said, on with the sometimes lame, sometimes not game.

Would you rather fart confetti or burp chocolate syrup?

  • fart confetti, of course.  Burping chocolate syrup has too many potential adverse effects.  Besides, I’m a dude.  We are proud of our farts.

If  you could only fly first class one-way, would you rather fly going to your destination or on the return trip?

  • definitely going to my destination.  Returning in coach prepares you for the reality that the vacation is so over.

Would you rather read a book or use the Kindle?

  • tough one here.  I LOVE books, but really appreciate what Kindle has done for me and my quest to be a New York Times Number One Best Selling Author.  So, … .

In a family a doctors, would you rather be a gynecologist, ophthalmologist, or oral surgeon?

  • this one is easy – ophthalmologist. 

Would you rather use tweezers or a sledgehammer to ‘perform tasks’ over the coming weeks?

  • Fuck tweezers.  I’ve been plucking shit for way too long.  Give me the damn sledgehammer.  (insert – manly grunting noise).

To close this post, the Peter Gabriel song  Sledgehammer immediately came to mind.  Truthfully, I hate the song.  Love Peter Gabriel;  hate that song.  I wanted to be considerate though, thinking that others may appreciate the entertainment.  In an attempt to be true to my readers, I watched the video.  It’s really kinda weird.  Instead, I decided to opt for an alternative, yet ‘misunderstood’ but equally weird  sledgehammer ‘performance’.

Things ARE going to get wrecked.

a poetry post written by me

About my mother -

She’s been writing poetry for as long as I can remember.  When my family moved to Traverse, she corresponded on a regular basis, penning her letters in rhyme.  Oh, before I continue, my mother just tuned 80.  Happy Birthday, Mom!

Back to poetry -

Personally, I never understood poetry.  Never wanted too.  Just don’t have the patience to read that deeply into the written word. Besides, I don’t have time for that much thinking.  That’s actually a good thing.  Sometimes, thinking and me don’t get along

A few years back, I visited Chicago and stayed at the Weston downtown.  Every employee’s badge displayed their name and a fun, one word ‘identifier’ about that individual’s hobbies and/or life.  The front desk clerk was Alana – poet.  We struck up a conversation about writing.  You could tell I was on vacation because I actually ‘struck up’ a discussion with a stranger.  Normally, I avoid idle conversation.  Sometimes, conversation and me don’t get along.   Anyway, she asked me about writer’s block.  I stated I never made time for the damn thing.  ”When you are writing a four hundred page novel at 5am and you just can’t think,” I answered.  ”I would jot down my intentions, paraphrasing what I wanted to happen at that point in the story line  and  … move on to the next scene.” For me that worked.  For poet writing a three line haiku – it doesn’t.  That poem only has 17 SYLLABLES.  Writer’s block is a bit more intense with 17 syllables.  The existence of one word CAN change the entire interpretation of a poem.  Way too much pressure for me.  Like I mentioned earlier – I’m not that deep.

Different Types of Poems - 

  • Sonnet – a short rhyming poem with 14 lines. The original sonnet form was invented in the 13/14th century by Dante and an Italian philosopher named Francisco Petrarch. The form remained largely unknown until it was found and developed by writers Shakespeare.
  • Limerick  - a five-line witty poem with a distinctive rhythm. The first, second and fifth lines, the longer lines, rhyme. The third and fourth shorter lines rhyme. (A-A-B-B-A).
  • Haiku – Haiku’s are composed of 3 lines, each a phrase. The first line typically has 5 syllables, second line has 7 and the 3rd and last line repeats another 5. In addition there is a seasonal reference included.
  • Free Verse - A Free Verse Poem does not follow any rules. Their creation is completely in the hands of the author.  There is no right or wrong way to create a Free Verse poem.

And my favorite -

  • the Emotion poem – no comment. (sarcasm intended)

There were a total of fifteen different types.  See why I have no patience for poetry?  Me.  I would honor traditional poetry formats.  This IS Dante and Shakespeare, okay? That’s some good, serious shit.  Then, I  would lump all that  ’New Age poetry attempts at self-expression‘ into Free Verse and call it a day.  The emotion poem. .. .  Let’s just say it would experience a deep sense of … loss.

parting thought -

Sometimes, slamming poetry and me DO get along.

poetry slam skit


a poem written by my mother

Welcome Autumn
The hot summer winds have whispered  goodbye.
I greet this new season with a welcoming sigh.

Orange golden hues; the rusts and the reds,
such beautiful colors leave little unsaid.

The falling leaves rustle ‘neath my feet.
A colorful quilt, covering yards and street.

These autumn months give me time to prepare,
my heart and my mind for winter’s fare.

George Winston – Autumn


My Life As A … multiple choice test

When writing a letter, P.S. means -

a)   post statement
b)   perspectous secondary
c)   sock puppet
d)  post scriptum
e)   none of the above

School starts in just a few days here in  Northern Michigan.  Sharpen the pencils, kids.  A little practice shading in those damn circles may not be a bad idea either.  Even though this IS 2016 – scan tron tests are still a viable testing method.  Or so I’m told.  Though I’m thinkin’ that ‘viability’ is highly scrutinized nowadays.  As much as I loved number 2 pencils, I totally sucked at test taking – especially standardized tests.  Unfortunately, my children inherited this cursed trait.  They are excellent students, but … .  A really nice ACT or SAT score would be ‘sick’.

how to take a multiple choice test

Luckily, only a few Pharmacy school tests required scan tron.  Even fewer were standardized.  Remember, this was close to thirty years ago. Instead, we did math – lots of math and chemistry with lots of equations.  Yes, we had to show our work.  And, we had to spell words like Behentrimonium methosulfate  CORRECTLY.  I had no fucking clue what Behentrimonium methosulfate really did, but I could spell it.  Well, I knew enough to get partial credit for the question.  You get the idea.

Be that as it may, I liked multiple choice tests the best.  For the record, I did have a default ‘letter’ chosen before I went into each test.

Fast forward thirty years. When I’m faced with a ‘situation’, I often look at it as if it were a multiple choice test question.  Life isn’t standardized. Though considering current circumstances, a few normalized challenges would be a welcome change.  The options for the correct answer are usually wrong and  e)   none of the above  doesn’t go over very  well.  At all!  So basically, I still suck at taking tests. Maybe I should’ve sharpened more number 2 pencils?  Hmm … .

Oh, by the way, I still have no fucking clue what Behentrimonium methosulfate  really does – NO partial credit available today.  Right now, I sure the hell couldn’t spell the damn word either.  For this post, it was all cut and paste, baby.  Cut and paste.

my answer to multiple choice questions

the correct answer is d)   post scriptum

I totally thought c)   sock puppet was a reasonable guess.

Oven ready

In pharmacy school, I excelled in lab work, especially compounding.  Come to think about it, that’s the only thing I excelled in.  Oh well,  the end goal was met – I graduated.  Now as an adult, I excel in culinary skills. Compounding and cooking/baking are similar in concept. So, it’s only natural I can hold my own in the kitchen.  Come to think about it, that’s the only thing I excel in.  But let’s not go there.  This is a happy post about cake.  Besides, I’m still working on THAT end goal. Okay?

This past weekend, Traverse City had a welcome break from the heat.  No, it didn’t snow, but we did get shit loads of rain.  And, when I say heat, I am being a bit dramatic – mid 90′s in August is expected.  Still, the temps dropped twenty five degrees.  Since the summer average highs aren’t conducive to quality kitchen time, I took advantage of this un-heatwave and turned up a different kind of heat  to bake a cake – the oven.  A few months back, I posted that I often use the grill as an oven for dinner items. (#billowing smoke 06-03-2016)  But, baking a cake on the grill … .  #not going to happen.

 random cake crumbs

  • yellow cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles remains my cake of choice
  • raspberry filling totally rocks my palate
  • fuck that whole ‘red food dye is bad for you’ shit – a good red velvet cake can put me in a dessert coma any time, baby
  • I usually only have ice cream with chocolate cake
  • never understood that lava cake craze a few years back

‘the recipe’

  • 1 egg
  • 1/3 cup oil
  • 1/3 cup applesauce
  • 1 cup buttermilk
  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 3/4 cups sugar
  • 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 tablespoonful baking soda
  • 1 teaspoonful salt
  • 1 cup brewed coffee

Combine first 4 wet ingredients;  whisk 5 dry ingredients together.  Beat wet ingredients into dry; slowly incorporate coffee.  Mixture will be thin.  Grease 13×9 pan, then dust with cocoa powder.  Bake at 350 for approximately 33 minutes.

Finish with frosting of choice – chocolate, vanilla buttercream, and cream cheese all work well.  I usually alternate my kids, asking their frosting preference. A local coffee shop makes an espresso frosting that is just fucking amazing.

When I was thinking about cake and the post, this song immediately came to mind.  Truthfully, I think it’ the dumbest song ever.  The dude goes from singing about cake anxiety to cotton dresses.  It was 1968.  So, … .  I’m sure there’s some deep metaphorical shit going down in the lyrics, but I ain’t that deep.  I just like cake.

someone left the cake out in the rain

 Last slice

If you are at a party and  someone asks the question, “What kind of cake is it?”  Think of my friend Paul and politely respond ”it’s good, you should have some.”  ( The Cake Test   05-27-2013 )

My Favorite Posts 2016

Once again, it’s time to boast my favorite posts.  I must say, it’s been a solid year.  If you think about it, I really am full of random shit that is complete and utter nonsense.   But, hey, I think it’s fun.  I hope all who read will agree.  If anything, it does keep me sane.

That being said, on with the selections.

10-01-2015     MasterCard moment – Ohio style

03-26-2016     MasterCard moment – style

07-07-2016     MasterCard moment – Vermont  style     Quite proud of my MasterCard moments this past ‘year’.  Two of these offerings are connected to hockey somehow.  Both were an excuse to travel to new destinations.  While I have no desire to ever see Ohio again, I loved Vermont.   Except for that ‘naked dude’ thing, of course.   The third ‘moment’ was the celebration of my 200th post.  To not include that would be … nonsense.

10-22-2015     Color me hungry 

10-25-2015     the ADULT coloring book     Crayola remains my crayon of choice.

11-25-2015     “Thanks, Adele!”   Even though I have grown to h-a-t-e that song, the SNL clip is so damn funny.  Consider it the new  Thanksgiving holiday tradition.

12-02-2015     Time After Time     I’s got me new shades.  Still working on that watch thing, though.  All in due time. (pun intended)

02-17-2016     Short stack showdown   Such good memories from that ‘showdown’.  The judges were the ‘anecdote’ family  from my lawn care post which sadly didn’t make the favorites cut. (pun unintended)

04-07-2016     Dishwasher safe    Good news – dishwasher still works great.  Bad news – kids still complain about loading it.

04-15-2016     Hair today, g0ne tomorrow    Thankfully, Barber Fred is back.  Though he is pushing mid-seventies.  I’m thinking he may be ‘gone’ tomorrow as well. (pun … .)  Not gone – gone, just retirement gone.  Suggestions? Trust me, asking the bald butcher is NOT an option.

05-27-2016     do-re-mi     Haven’t had the opportunity to ‘car-aoke’ too much lately.  During the summer, I usually have  passengers that just aren’t feeling the ‘scale singing’ scene.  Soon school will start and I will be free to sing again.  However,  when school starts, my stress level may decrease.  I still have a wife though. I’m thinkin’, I may need throw a fa-sol-la in there, too eh?

07-21-2016     random financial non-cents     One day some bitch really needed a penny.  I WASN’T going to share.  Then, she was going to run to her car  to get one. I would’ve let her.  She was THAT nasty.  Unfortunately, she found a penny by the register.  Guess it was her lucky day.

07-29-2016     Mother Ode to the TCFF     Still mourning the loss of this ‘annual tradition’. Fortunately, plans are already in the works for 2017.  My ski trip … .  Now that’s a different story.  (sigh)

honorable mention, unhonorable outcome

09-15-2015     two week notice

01-05-2016     June 30, 2016     I AM forever longing to give my two week notice.  Obviously this hasn’t happened – yet.  I will always appreciate that “indentation in my sofa” reference, though. When I realized the date for my license renewal was fast approaching, I succumbed to reality.  (heavy sigh)  I then rationalized that regardless of my employment status, I needed that RPh for blogging purposes.  Otherwise, I’d have to change my domain name.  Way too much work for this underachiever.  So, …  it is!

Salty cidiots are NOT snazzy.

I am taking my post vocabulary lesson one step further.  Don’t be too alarmed.  I’m thinking this is only a one-time deal.  So, just go with it. Besides, I promise to make this lesson as fun as postally possible.  Though, postally probably isn’t a word.  Let alone the way to begin a vocabulary lesson.  Oh, well.  At least  this lesson isn’t about lettuce.

In elementary school, whenever I learned a new word I was instructed to use it in a sentence.  Fortunately, I have THREE words (two slag, one that’s an actual word) to share AND I was able to use them all in ONE sentence.  Think of it as a trifecta of vocabulary fun.

Salty cidiots are not snazzy.

  1. salty  (adjective)    -   My nineteen year old son introduced me to this word a few months back.  He used it to describe his attitude at the moment.  “Salty?” I asked.  ”Yeah,” he scuffed.  ”You know irritable, kinda’ ornery.” He paused.  ”Salty.”  According to the Urban dictionary, ‘salty’ means – angry, pissed, upset.  Hmm … .  I’m thinking that describes the majority of teenagers and pharmacy customers.
  2. cidiots  (noun)       –   Recently, I was at work when a customer I can actually tolerate came through the drive.  She looked distressed even before I greeted her.  Then, without even a hello, she said, “I hate these damn cidiots.” The blank expression on my face was enough for her to continue. “You know,” she finally smiled.  “Cidiots – idiots from the city .”
  3. snazzy (adjective)   –   informal ; stylish and attractive
    Conversely, this word describes my thirteen year old daughter.  She uses the term often, having the wonderful ability to ‘snazzify’ any ‘saltiness’ thrown her way.  Good for her.  I hope she never loses this amazing talent.  Though I question the origin of that characteristic.  You’ve all read enough of my rants to know it’s probably not  my gene pool.  Then again, my mother is wonderful. So, …  maybe it is!?

Since I choose to emulate my daughter’s snazzy persona, I let her decide how to close this vocabulary lesson.  While her offering seems odd, it is truly the embodiment of … making lemonade. For me, it fits my current state of mind AND postal lameness.  Shit, if Brendon Urie  can sing while playing the piano with Fruit Loops and chicken nuggets falling from the sky, I’m thinking I can handle  just about anything.

panic! – this is gospel

Fortunately, those damn cidiots won’t be around too much longer.  One snowflake and their salty asses are gone.  How snazzy is that?

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