elemental humor

Image result for mg periodic table

 MAGNESIUM 

Atomic Number: 12

Atomic Weight: 24.305

Element Classification: Metal

These dreams

Back in July 2014, I posted   I dreamed a dream.  Below is a summary of my dream.  Though, I must say, the entire post is rather witty.  And, that was over two years ago  - kinda’ proud of that.

So, I’m in pharmacy school, plugging along, and wham I fail a class or something equally school/career altering happens that makes me re-evaluate my future/options.  Pharmacy school, like any professional degree, has classes that are sequential.  You have to pass Pharmaceutics I to go on the Pharmaceutics II.  Since the classes are only offered in specific semesters, the entire schooling tract revolves around the forward movement – passing each class.  You fail – your fucked.  In this dream, however, I never get passed the decision – I’m always faced with the decision or ,better yet, panicked by what little options exist. Often I wake up realizing I’ve had the dream, yet knowing  no resolution occurred.

Once again, my rambling  ”… has nothing to do with the show  Les Miserables .  But … everything to do with  days gone by AND this hell I’m living - retail pharmacy, of course. “ 

As you may have guessed, I am still having the same damn dream; twenty-five years and counting.  However, not as often AND it has continued to change. Just not enough for me, okay. Situations and supporting characters appear, then disappear, over and over and over again.  Still, the fact remains – I fail and I am faced with the “what the fuck am I going to do now” scenario right before I awake.  One last tidbit of information that I didn’t include in the summary – I think about ‘change’, especially in my professional life, more now than I did back then.  Hm… .

In a recent conversation, I picked the brain of someone who might know something or another about dreams.  He stated that this dream is the ‘classic’  and most frequented dreamed dream.  And, regardless of my conscious efforts, there will never be resolution in my dream.  Before I could protest this unfortunate circumstance, he mentioned that there may be a way to creatively manipulate my dream.  By doing this, the new events may somehow offer a solution by shifting certain elements of the dream, changing the emphasis.  Then failure may not be the issue.  Hmm … .

Instead of it always being from my  protagonistic  point of view, I was instructed to use my conscious state to think about the dream from different perspectives.    Better yet,  personify the location. What would ‘the school’ say or how it would ‘react’?  Could the ‘supporting characters’ actually change the outcome if they were now the primary focus?  Hmmm ... .

Don’t worry, the hmm…  stops here.  I’m not that obsessive.  It really is only a dream.  Rarely do I have luxury of time to consciously think about such a trivial subject.  It’s tempting, though.  Very tempting.

Heart – These Dreams

Dream on!

the cast iron skillet

INGREDIENTS

  • 1 cup white self-rising cornmeal
  • 1 egg
  • Enough buttermilk to make batter very thin (about 1 cup)

PREPARATION  

  1. Oil a cast iron skillet and place it in the oven as oven preheats to 450°F.
  2. Mix all ingredients together to make the batter. Pour batter into hot skillet.
  3. Bake for 20 minutes or until nicely browned.

courtesy of Elizabeth Kelly  a friend of Lodge and a contributor to the cookbook A Skillet Full.

http://www.lodgemfg.com/

First, I have never tried this recipe.  But it is from the be all, end all of cast iron skillet websites.  I’m thinking it’s probably pretty good.  Secondly, I still have yet to bake  in my skillet.  Though corn bread or some upside something or another would be my first choice.  That being said, I am very proud of my cast iron cookware.  Technically, this is my second skillet.  I had one decades ago.  I was young and stupid and, … long pause … I let it rust.  Gasp!  Martha Stewart would be appalled at my culinary negligence.  Believe it or not, I have matured.  Now, I treasure, if not pamper, my current cast iron skillet – a Father’s Day present to myself over five years ago.

M. Stewart seasons the skillet

advantages:

  1. A well-seasoned cast iron skillet is naturally non-stick.  Cast iron pots and pans aren’t coated with synthetic materials
  2. Cast iron cookware retains heat
  3.  cook with cast iron pots and pans to boost your iron intake.
  4. Because cast iron cookware is made from the same base material that builds engine blocks, they are guaranteed to last a very, very long time. In fact, the more you cook with it, the better (and more seasoned) it gets.
  5. cheap – very cost effective

disadvantages:

  1. heavy – only in 2017 would someone complain of such a thing.  Shut the fuck up, you culinary wannabe pansies. My grandmother weighed 92 pounds. She never complained about anything.  You go, grandma.
  2. susceptible to rust  - isn’t everything.  (witty metaphor usage, eh?)
  3. high maintenance – I have a wife,  two daughters, and work retail pharmacy.  Comparatively, nothing is high maintenance.

true story 

One night I came home from work and panicked.  I saw my cast iron skillet IN THE DRYING RACK  STILL WET.  My youngest daughter boasted that she had cooked some eggs and cleaned up the dishes USING SOAP.  Damn kids. How can you get mad at that?  I didn’t of course.  Instead, I remained calm, dried the skillet and immediately re-seasoned.  (dramatic sigh of relief).  By the way, she said nothing about it’s weight.  She’s thirteen.  You go, daughter.

A Tangled skillet

I figured this was an appropriate post.  It’s January.  Cooking and baking comfort food is pretty much all there is to do when it’s, like, below zero and snowing.  And, that Lodge website (under the recipe) is quite fun.  While you wait for it to load, a cartoon egg ‘cooks’ in a skillet.  Fun.

Order up!

row, row, row your Black Concept 2

stationarily at the gym.
healthily, healthily, healthily
you will always be … trim.

See, that’s why I leave the poetry to my mother.  Though, it’s much better than my original ending of  … you will always have flexible hips. That doesn’t  rhyme.  Furthermore, is  stationarily  even a word? Ugh! I think I’ll just stick with blog posting.

background:

I have bad hips, especially on my left side.  It’s a familial issue.  My younger sister had both hips done at age forty.  My younger brother has similar difficulties.  But, shit, I can barely tie my shoe some mornings.  And, it’s not a motor skills impairment, okay. Damn joint just won’t budge.  It really is bothersome.  So, I decided to take back my hips.  Actually, I’ve been working on it for the last few months, trying different exercises to see what route would be most beneficial.   And, the Black Concept 2 rowing machine seems to fit my lifestyle the best.

I have never been a stationary anything, especially the treadmill – so fucking boring as far as I’m concerned.  Physical Therapy can be quite expensive.   I have tried yoga – you know, that Bikram ‘hot’ yoga shit.  Well, that didn’t agree with my body either.  Besides, each session was a two hour commitment AND there were sweaty, half-naked people with open sores on their backs. Gross.  That’s a post in itself. Lastly, changing things up at the gym takes both time and creative energy.  I’m not that patient, considering I usually only have 39 to 43 minutes to workout.

One day, I overheard some dude bragging about the rowing machine. I tried it on my next visit and … .  I liked it.

Benefits:

  • burns two to three times the amount of calories than Spinning,
  • works 9 major muscle groups: quads, hamstrings, glutes, lats, core, shoulders, triceps, back and biceps.
  • an amazing cardio workout.
  •  great for injury prevention, rehab and runners
  • low impact alternative to other activities.

sequence:

legs, hips, arms – arms, hips, legs     ( NOTE: if you reorganize this list, it DOESN’T work )

technique:

  •  don’t grip too hard - the handle should travel in sync with your seat for the initial leg drive portion of the stroke.
  • drive with your legs
  • hinge at the  hips –  sit up tall, and wait
  • focus on a consistent, steady movement – feel the flow as you row (that last part was all me – I should really abandon all attempts of rhyming. I think it’s best.)
  • breathe properly – easier said than done.  Yet the key to, like, everything.

https://breakingmuscle.com/learn/17-tips-for-getting-better-at-rowing

afterthought:

Seems easy enough, eh? Umm, NO! This is hard work.  The next day I  just ache.  But, it’s a good ache.  Yes, I know I’m fifty-one. Believe me, even a twenty-five year old would ache.  Hopefully,  with patience, the end product will be achieved.  I will once again be able to tie my shoe.  Now if I could master that whole using a fork and spoon thing.  Hmm … .

Eminem rocks this video row

Mead

Let’s talk alcohol. Traverse City and the surrounding area ferment. distill, and hop at any chance to make drinks of the unmixed variety. (get it – hop – beer) Since I know very little about, well, anything, especially alcohol, I’ve decided to educate myself.  And, dedicate a post every so often to what I learn about spirited beverages and the intricacies that go into their production.  Chemistry and ‘recipes’ are involved.  I’m a pharmacist that cooks. I think I can handle this.  As for the blog, think Ode and MasterCard moment walk into the local tavern with  www.askadamthomasrph.com   as the bartender.  Really, it’s not that complicated. And, if it’s totally lame, I’ll do the whole Blogger’s Anonymous thing.  Okay?

So, … .  Let’s begin.

Here in Northern Michigan there are countless tap houses and tasting rooms that serve some of the best beer, hard cider, whiskey, wine and …

MEAD

noun: a fermented beverage made of water and honey, malt, and yeast.  Thought to be the oldest alcoholic beverage known to man.

The history of mead may go back more than 8,000 years. The oldest known meads were created on the Island of Crete. Wine had not yet been created. Mead was the drink of the Age of Gold, and the word for drunk in classical Greek remained “honey-intoxicated.

The tapestry of mead history is rich and wonderful. References are littered throughout history and literature. Chaucer speaks of making Claret sweeter with the addition of honey. In 1771 Smollett writes that knowledge of mead-making is considered one of the arts of a true country gentleman. Queen Elizabeth was known to have her own favorite recipe, including rosemary, bay leaves, sweet briar and thyme. But perhaps Howell, Clerk to the Privy Council, said it best in 1640 when he wrote, “The juice of bees, not Bacchus, here behold, Which British Bards were wont to quaff of old; The berries of the grape with Furies swell, But in the honey comb the Graces dwell.

Internet sources: Merriam-Webster.com, beer100.com , skyriverbrewing.com

Mead: A Taste of Honey

Unlike life, this post has great timing.  New Years Eve is fast approaching.  To be perfectly honest, I’m not of fan of the holiday.  NYE is like a birthday – high expectation / low yield.   Even when there are no-expectation-whatsoever, that yield bar still takes a hit.  I blame women. Oh, and retail pharmacy customers, of course.  That’s when this whole mead thing will come in handy.  Alcohol makes everything better, right? I’ve never been a big drinker myself.  Though, I’ve recently been told I should think about drinking more.  Honey-intoxicated does sound interesting.    Hmmm … . Anyway, what better way to put this Random Nonsense to use than to drink mead, celebrating the New Year.

Because there is no better example of the expectation/yield concept, I will close with this ‘challenged’ couple in a ‘balanced’ movie clip.

Happy 2017

NYE with Harry and Sally

Oh, yeah, please drink responsibly.  I need all the followers I can get.

The Adam Thomas Christmas Tradition

I’ve decided to continue with my postal imbalance.  What better way to do that than with the traditional list of ‘challenged’ Christmas Carols.  I’m  thinkin’ none  of these selections are suitable for ‘carpool karaoke’, though.  Oh well, be jolly!

  1. Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?
  2. Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Kings Disoriented Are
  3. Dementia –I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas
  4. Narcissistic – Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
  5. Manic – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and . . .
  6. Paranoid – Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
  7. Borderline Personality Disorder – Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
  8. Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
  9. Attention Deficit Disorder – Silent Night, Holy OOOOOOOOh look at the Froggy, can I have chocolate, why is France so far away?
  10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell …

Merry Christmas

A Canadian MasterCard Event

time spent ‘talking’ to a Garmin representative regarding my Canada map ‘download’:     1 hour, 13 minutes AND 9 seconds

ONroute  service stops along Highway 401 and 402 Sarnia to Montreal:     23

number of stairs in hotel:     115 east stairwell and 142 west stairwell

‘comedic’ events that made this hockey weekend memorable:     countless 

Recently, the team headed to Toronto for a ‘TwoNations’ Hockey tournament.  It was quite the experience.  This was probably the truest of all MasterCard moments because I did, in fact, use my MasterCard for everything.  I didn’t want to be bothered with leftover Canadian money.  Besides, the exchange rate was ideal and there was no penalty.

I hate my new GPS. Of course, I purchased a model that did NOT come with Canadian maps.  Imagine that. When I attempted to return /exchange  the device, an employee convinced me otherwise.  He said that the maps could easily be uploaded for a ‘nominal’ charge from the website. It was neither easy nor nominal.  I hate that guy.  He was bald.  The last bald guy I listened to was a butcher who gave me ill advice about haircuts.  And, well, everyone knows how that ended.  This GPS fiasco wasn’t much better.  BUT, my MapQuest directions were printed.  I was able to keep on schedule.  I hate my new GPS.

Canada has this truck stop / rest area/ gas oasis thing goin’ down along Highway 401 and 402 - ONroute Canada.  Each stop has a variety of fast food establishments and gas stations in an easy off – easy on access to the expressway.  Works for me.

http://onroute.ca/

I utilize hotel fitness centers when travelling as much as possible. Especially when the surrounding area is questionable, the location undesirable, or the weather is frightful.  Fortunately, this hotel had a better than average facility AND nine floors.  Translation – buns of steel, baby.  Or should I say concrete? The reason for the discrepancy in stair count is because the west stairwell had roof and basement access.

Even though the girls didn’t fair too well in the tournament, they did enjoy themselves.  Hell, none of the Detroit teams advanced either.  I’m convinced  Canadian girls are born with skates already laced and hockey pucks for pacifiers.

About those countless comedic events – Yeah … .  Here are just a few.  In chronological order, of course -

  • the garbage ‘basket’ in my car was annoying – we pitched it  in a neighbors trash can before we left the subdivision
  • the Subway in Port Huron is totally sketch – the old man with the cane even sketchier
  • there was a boarder crossing incident – why wouldn’t there be? I didn’t get searched, but … .
  • Toronto drivers suck.  Canada has NO Rules for their Roads.  U-turns are acceptable – EVERYWHERE.  So, I fit in just fine.
  • Toronto pedestrians suck, too.  They jay walk everywhere and anytime, frequenting the medians at night – DRESSED IN BLACK.  Even the joke – “How many points for that one?” got old.
  • I unknowingly ‘crashed’ a corporate holiday party.  I was the only white male in the establishment.  Very awkward.
  • Ironically, the girls had a great time.  The parents had the meltdowns.

And then I drove home.

Priceless

RED – the alternative holiday movie choice

The last few years, I’ve posted about Christmas / Holiday seasonal entertainment.  I had two years in a row about music. Then, in December 2015, I delved into the movie scene.  To keep things balanced, I feel the need to talk movies one more year.  Well, movie – singular.  And, believe me, this movie deserves a post of it’s own –  RED.

Frank (Brude Willis), Joe (Morgan Freeman), Marvin (John Malkovich) and Victoria (Helen Mirren) used to be the CIA/MI-6 top agents, but the secrets they know just made them the Agency’s top targets. Now framed for assassination, they must use all of their collective cunning, experience and teamwork to stay one step ahead of their deadly pursuers and stay alive. To stop the operation, the team embarks on an impossible, cross-country mission to break into the top-secret CIA headquarters, where they will uncover one of the biggest conspiracies and cover-ups in government history.

Yes, this is based on a DC Comic. Yes, there is a lot of things that get shot – including a snowman, reindeer, and … .  Yes, I still consider it a holiday movie as twisted as that may seem.  RED is the title. Even the name is festive. Unfortunately, it is also an acronym for Retired Extremely Dangerous.  But let’s focus on the positives here. Okay?

Christmas decorating tips from RED – the movie

Actually, it was my daughter’s idea.  She considers it a holiday movie AND we get to watch it together every December.  Any questions?

Now, just because balance is often saught, but rarely achieved, I thought I’d tip the scale with … a musical number from something  Red.

Wrapped in Red – Kelly Clarkson

Ready to navigate

As I’ve stated before, I am technologically compromised.  Though, I’ve decided it’s becoming a burden; especially this texting business and my kids.  It really does streamline communication, easing the ‘unknown’ about  a child’s whereabouts.

During the last few hockey seasons, I have traveled quite a bit and quite the distance.  Normally, I rely on MapQuest for all of my directional needs.  And, contrary to what my daughter thinks, I have always found my way and gotten her to the rink ON TIME.  Yes, I have neglected my share of  Rules of the Road.  But, who hasn’t?  Besides, “it’s not a road trip unless Mr. Thomas breaks the law.”*

Anyway, when driving at night, the need to constantly turn on and off the over head light to read the directions can be … .  ”Obnoxious and embarrassing” are two ‘nice’ words  my daughter chose to describe the experience a few weeks back when we took a teammate to the game.

So, this past weekend, I borrowed  a GPS.  Don’t worry, I still had a printed copy of  MapQuest directions – just in case.  I must say, this GPS thing was really nice.  I guess I never entertained the idea of this navigational tool, thinking that GPS was an app for the phone I did NOT own.  I  truly plead ignorance here.  Furthermore, every time directions came up in a conversation, “the GPS app on my phone never fails,” was all I ever heard.  Little did I know, few use it because of the ‘data’ issue.

The Global Positioning System (GPS) is a satellite-based navigation system made up of a network of 24 satellites placed into orbit by the U.S. Department of Defense. GPS was originally intended for military applications, but in the 1980s, the government made the system available for civilian use. GPS works in any weather conditions, anywhere in the world, 24 hours a day. There are no subscription fees or setup charges to use GPS.

GPS satellites circle the earth twice a day in a very precise orbit and transmit signal information to earth. GPS receivers take this information and use trilateration to calculate the user’s exact location.  The receiver can determine the user’s position and display it on the unit’s electronic map.

http://www8.garmin.com/aboutGPS/

Slowly, but surely, I’m learning.  Don’t worry.  I am NOT  ’growing as a person’, too.  Fuck that shit.  I just want to get from point A to point B without being an utter embarrassment to my daughter.  Even with all this technology at my fingertips, I still feel I am often on a …

Road to Nowhere

But, that’s a completely different post  I’m certain few would navigate.  There isn’t a GPS available to ‘recalculate’  that detour.

Happy and safe travels!

*direct quote from a seasoned passenger

Once again, “Thanks Adele!”

She’s back.   I think this skit is funnier and even more appropriate than when it first aired last year.  Though I’m not thinking a song can fix everything, …  especially stupid pharmacy customers.

“Thanks, Adele!” SNL

There’s always hope.  Or a two week notice.

Happy Thanksgiving

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