This post has been a pending draft for some time. A few months back, my youngest randomly asked me whether I would rather fart confetti or burp chocolate syrup. Initially, I couldn’t respond – thrown quite off guard by the inquiry. When I finally stopped laughing, I asked where she had heard such a thing. This is my youngest, so I’ve experienced my share of … interesting ‘facts’ from even more interesting sources over the years. Translation: the Internet. Luckily this one was harmless and quite fun.
Over the next few months, I waited, wanting more random, would you rather opportunities. Unfortunately, I was disappointed. Every now and then, I would casually hint for crazy scenarios that only a thirteen year old with an active imagination could create. Once again – nothing. Her responses were … forced at best. I offered a a few examples – some lame – some not so lame. However, none equaled that of the original bodily function variety.
My horoscope by Rob Brezny in the current issue of the Northern Express hit the proverbial would you rather jackpot. It read:
What tools will work best for the tasks you’ll be invited to perform in the coming weeks? A sledgehammer or tweezers? Pruning shears or sewing machine? A monkey wrench or screwdriver?
Alas, my post had inspiration. Draft status no more. A sledgehammer or tweezers? POW! or would you rather PLUCK?
That being said, on with the sometimes lame, sometimes not game.
Would you rather fart confetti or burp chocolate syrup?
- fart confetti, of course. Burping chocolate syrup has too many potential adverse effects. Besides, I’m a dude. We are proud of our farts.
If you could only fly first class one-way, would you rather fly going to your destination or on the return trip?
- definitely going to my destination. Returning in coach prepares you for the reality that the vacation is so over.
Would you rather read a book or use the Kindle?
- tough one here. I LOVE books, but really appreciate what Kindle has done for me and my quest to be a New York Times Number One Best Selling Author. So, … .
In a family a doctors, would you rather be a gynecologist, ophthalmologist, or oral surgeon?
- this one is easy – ophthalmologist.
Would you rather use tweezers or a sledgehammer to ‘perform tasks’ over the coming weeks?
- Fuck tweezers. I’ve been plucking shit for way too long. Give me the damn sledgehammer. (insert – manly grunting noise).
To close this post, the Peter Gabriel song Sledgehammer immediately came to mind. Truthfully, I hate the song. Love Peter Gabriel; hate that song. I wanted to be considerate though, thinking that others may appreciate the entertainment. In an attempt to be true to my readers, I watched the video. It’s really kinda weird. Instead, I decided to opt for an alternative, yet ‘misunderstood’ but equally weird sledgehammer ‘performance’.
Things ARE going to get wrecked.