the colon cleanse

In my quest to continue my Spring cleaning ritual, I decided to look inward as well. Yeah, right, that will never happen. Even the idea I would consider such a thing is a complete crock of … shit. However, that ‘reference’ does serve as the perfect introduction to a routine  procedure I have been putting off  since I turned fifty.
the screening colonoscopy
Normally, I AM a protocol follower. I have an annual physical. I change the car oil every 5000 miles. Hell, I swap out the damn furnace filter every two months rather than three. Therefore, a colonoscopy should be a no-brainer for an anal-retentive (pun intended) dude like me. But, it ain’t. It’s that whole fasting thing. I could give two shits – literally – about drinking that bowel prep kit.  But to fast, … . Yikes. I eat like 7 times a day. See why I’ve waited so long?
I inquired about Cologuard – a somewhat similar screening you do from the comfort of your own home. Send a sample of your shit off to some far away place for analysis and you’re done. Sure beats having some light saber shoved up you ass.  Best of all, I wouldn’t have to fast. Yeah, baby! Unfortunately, the procedure was not covered on my insurance. And, I ain’t getting any younger.

the procedure

A colonoscopy is an exam used to detect changes or abnormalities in the large intestine (colon) and rectum. During a colonoscopy, a long, flexible tube (colonoscope) is inserted into the rectum. A tiny video camera at the tip of the tube allows the doctor to view the inside of the entire colon. If necessary, polyps or other types of abnormal tissue can be removed through the scope during a colonoscopy. Tissue samples (biopsies) can be taken during a colonoscopy as well.

the reasoning

… to  screen for colon cancer. If you’re age 50 or older and at average risk of colon cancer — you have no colon cancer risk factors other than age — a colonoscopy is recommended every 10 years.

the dreaded CLEAR LIQUID DIET

  • water, flavored water, and pretty much anything water related
  • decaffeinated tea
  • weak coffee – why even bother, eh?
  • juice, drinks, clear sodas – nothing red or purple. What would Barney say?
  • chicken and/or beef broth  diluted with … water. Imagine that!

the Nutty end to this post

When I first thought to post about my anal, un-retentive cleansing experience, numerous fun ideas about how to present this not fun material went through my mind. However, when it came time to write the post, those ideas continued right through me. Just like everything else, eh? Damn Clenpiq. Needless to say, this post is not as creative as originally anticipated. My sincere apologies, of course.  Few people can take the fart of colon cleansing and make it entertaining. Case in point – Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy … . Oh, and Jamal Mixon?!

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