MasterCard moment – only in this ‘hood

number of days a stove has been IN FRONT of my neighbor’s garage:    23

number of jacks used to support a Jeep Wrangler  waiting for a ‘break job’  on a different driveway:    3

number of ‘exchange student leaving’  sales:    1

being thankful that I am NOT part of our neighborhood watch:    priceless

Neighborhood Watch trailer

Let me qualify something before I continue.  My neighborhood is NOT that trashy.  Actually, it’s quite the opposite.  The location is ideal. Numerous schools are within walking distance and it’s relatively close to town.  The home values continue to rise at a healthy rate. But, then again,  every neighborhood has its …. moments.

Now about that stove / range oven, … .

Well, it’s white AND covered in an ugly as fuck brown tarp.  The reason it’s IN FRONT  of the garage rather than IN the garage is because – yep, you guessed it – it won’t fit.  Thankfully, the garage door doesn’t open either. Ironically enough, I live in an ‘association’ and pay biannual dues. In the bylaws,  a boat or RV  cannot be parked on your drive for an extended period of time.  Hmm, … . I wonder if there is a time limit on stoves?

I forgot to mention two very important, yet concerning details.  My neighbor IS the president of the association. Oh, snap! AND, the ugly as fuck tarp is held in place by a bungee cord.

The Jeep Wrangler supported by 3 jacks hasn’t been there for 23 days, but it seems like it.  The house is situated on the top of the hill around a curve in the main entrance to the subdivision.  The Jeep is perfectly centered in the middle of the half-moon driveway.  You really can’t miss it.  You round that corner and – BAM.  There it is in all its mechanically challenged glory. I’m not thinkin’ that’s in the bylaws either. Maybe I should ask my neighbor?

Spring is the time for garage sales.  And, let me tell you, suburbia knows how to do garage sales. By the way, I will never have another garage sale.  My wife had one under my protest. Once.  Her ROI was marginal, to say the least.  Imagine that. Leave it to my ‘hood to have a different kind of garage sale though.  An ‘exchange student leaving‘ sale is … rather odd.  First of all, I would think exchange students travel relatively light.  Second, wouldn’t they take their stuff with them when they leave?  Hmm… . Oh, the sign advertising this ‘sale’ was written on a cardboard box in black Sharpie and attached to the mailbox with a bungee cord.

I can’t make this shit up, okay.

Lastly, my neighborhood does NOT have a designated ‘watch’. Thankfully.  We do have an association. Not thankfully.  I have never been asked and will never  be a board member.  My neighborhood will survive.  And, oddly enough, the home values will continue to rise.  So much for manicured lawns and creature comforts.  Hell, I live next to a house with a stove wrapped in an ugly as fuck brown tarp attchaed by bungee cords. Go figure.

Only in this ‘hood, mang. Only in this ‘hood.

J Mraz IS ‘your’ neighbor

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