Adam Thomas, RPH

Well, I found the Christmas pickle. Legend has it 2019 will be … lucky? To be perfectly honest, I did the decorating. The pickle wasn’t too hard to find, either. I just unpacked the box.  Technically, I found the silly thing.  Besides, I AM so overdue for a good year. Give me a solid month, maybe  just a week – I’ve been … nice?

I decided to be very casual with my Christmas cards this year.  I purchased a few fun 6 packs. When those run out, I’ll get some New Years card 6 packs.  If I’m still in the mode come February, there’s always Valentine’s Day, baby.

My random rambling updates are complete. On with the Challenged Christmas Carol tradition.  Once again, feel free to sing a long. Remember what Buddy the Elf says, “The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.”

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia —I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and . . .
6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent Night, Holy OOOOOOOOh look at the Froggy, can I have chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell …

I’m not be judgy, but I’m thinkin’ Buddy has a few of these melodies memorized.

Merry Christmas!

The post I originally planned was a bit … heavy. On one hand, I didn’t want to Jones it up and have everything in December be about Christmas. Please – there’s enough of that. On the other hand, I didn’t want to present something un ‘Merry’ either. Then, I realized I could walk that proverbial line – save that original post for a latter date and write about Holiday entertainment. That was never intended to be Holiday entertainment, that is.

Die Hard – release date July 15, 1988

New York City policeman John McClane is visiting his estranged wife and two daughters on Christmas Eve. He joins her at a holiday party in the headquarters of the Japanese-owned business she works for. But the festivities are interrupted by a group of terrorists who take over the exclusive high-rise, and everyone in it. Very soon McClane realizes that there’s no one to save the hostages — but him.

This movie solidified Bruce Willis as the everyday dude with the ‘tude. In this case, that would be yule tude, of course. Just don’t mess with Bruce – remember R.E.D.  is his favorite color. Oddly enough, the sequel was released July 04, 1990. And, yes, it takes place on Christmas Eve as well. Gotta love Hollywood!

Trading Places – release date June 08, 1983

Upper-crust executive Louis Winthorpe III and down-and-out hustler Billy Ray Valentine are the subjects of a bet by successful brokers Mortimer and Randolph Duke. An employee of the Dukes, Winthorpe is framed by the brothers for a crime he didn’t commit, with the siblings then installing the street-smart Valentine in his position. When Winthorpe and Valentine uncover the scheme, they set out to turn the tables on the Dukes.

This is a holiday movie if there ever was one – Dan Aykroyd’s ‘Bad Santa’ , Eddie Murpy’s Tiny Tim ‘interpretation’, and Jamie Lee Curtis as a naughty, but very nice Christmas … elf? They even party together on a train New Years Eve. With the butler! And, still, it was released in June. I’ll bet $1 there was a wager between industry heads on that decision.  (side note: this was the topic of my original post idea saved for a later date.)

My Favorite Things 

Sound of Music release date April 01, 1965

This partridge does not belong in the Christmas caroling pear tree by any means.  Yet, it’s included on countless Christmas albums. “Brown paper packages tied up in string” are really cool, but, let’s face it, this song has very little to do with Christmas. Furthermore, the movie wasn’t even remotely considered a holiday movie. It’s all about the marketing, I guess.

Festive idea, eh? I was able to balance my postal entry very well, keeping it bright on both counts – Merry subject matter  and a touch of Holiday cheer.  Unlike Hollywood though, I’m publishing my post in December.  Maybe that’s the problem with my bah-fucking Humbug sales.

Growing up, we were an artificial tree family. I never really gave it too much thought.  It was all I knew. When I married, things changed. Of course they did. (Pause) This time it was actually for the better. Her family was all about real trees.  When it came time to deck our first holiday halls, I wanted the real thing. And, I’ve never gone back.

My wife’s familial go to tree was the Frasier fir.  In the beginning, it became our staple as well. But, as the years progressed, we entertained alternative varieties.  However, we always reverted back to the Frasier.  For me, it’s the quintessential Christmas tree – subtle fragrance with needles that stay ON THE TREE.  I’m usually the one who vacuums. So, it’s all about needle retention, baby.

T-i-m-b-e-r!

One of my main concerns with real trees was the environmental impact.  It seemed wrong, chopping down a tree for less than a month for MY enjoyment.  Fortunately, I stand corrected.

•  living trees generate oxygen, help fix carbon in their branches and in the soil and provide habitat for birds and animals
• Christmas tree farms preserve farmland and green space, particularly near densely populated urban areas where pressure for development is intense.
• a crop that’s being raised for that purpose

great symmetry, Victoria?

Since I knew very little about Christmas trees and still do, I decided to branch out –

1. Norway spruce – great smell, bad for kids – drops dense, spikey needles quickly
2. Nordmann Fir –  great symmetry – right behind Norway Spruce for UK favorite
3. Blue spruce – needles have a silver-blue tinge – if you want a ‘Blue’ Christmas, of course
4. Fraser fir – narrow base – best for tight spaces – crowd favorite stateside.
5. Serbian spruce – lovely, slender shape ideal for corridors – the Victoria Secret model of trees
6. Douglas fir – a statement tree that can grow very large
7. Lodgepole pine – yellow -green needles – good retention
8. Noble fir – good choice for heavy ornaments
9. Scots pine – official Christmas tree of … Scotland. Where else?

All trees $25

Northern Michigan does live trees quite well, I might add.  Our first Christmas in Traverse, we took the kids to a local farm to cut down our own tree.  Working retail dictated my availability.  Consequently, when we arrived at the place, it was closed.  BUT there was a note –

All trees $25 – place the money in the drop box by the shed.  Saws are just inside the door.

Merry Christmas!

Coming from Chicago, my wife and I almost didn’t know how to respond. Welcome to Northern Michigan, eh? Luckily, we had cash. So, we put $25 in the drop box and grabbed a saw. Oh, and their note wasn’t festively colored as is mine – a little creative liberty for postal purposes.

Apologies about the duplicity, referencing yet another Charlie Brown Holiday Special. In my defense, that opening pumpkin carving scene was perfect for that post. And, I listened to countless versions of O Christmas Tree for this entry. Vince Guaraldi’s rendition really is all that. Besides, I just bought the vinyl. It’s green. Way cool!

O Tannenbaum! What IS a blogger to do?

Recently, I overheard a conversation between a technician and a customer. My take away were the following words: identity theft, pay at the pump, AND the name of MY local back. Concerned, I inquired about what I hadn’t heard. My co-worker stated that there have been numerous identity theft problems with a few banks in the area. The personal information was retrieved by hackers from gas station pumps. This girl ended her story saying that she always goes inside to pay the cashier.  I found this hard to believe because this girl is all of nineteen and pretty darn lazy.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s an excellent worker, but motivation is not her strong point.

Now, those stupid take away words haunt every trip I make to the gas station.  It’s the holiday season, having a credit card issue would really suck.  Worse – with increased spending, it would be difficult to pinpoint erroneous transactions. Paying at the pump IS SO EASY.  Ugh!  Be this as it may, I decided this warning dictated a few visits inside to the attendant. Even bigger – Ugh!  Better to create a new habit before the weather worsens.  When it’s single digit temps outside, I don’t even want to pump the fucking gas let alone pay inside.

I only had to visit the cashier once to realize the error of my new way.

Quite frankly, Gas stations are just gross. I thought working retail pharmacy had some questionable clientele. One trip to the attendant on duty will make anyone rethink their professional choice.  Gas station employees usually don’t work there by choice either.  The few I’ve known balance the flexible hours with either school, another job, or family schedules.

So to validate my decision to NOT start this new habit I investigated this pay at the pump ‘situation’.

A Bluetooth enabled gas pump skimmer transmits stolen card and PIN data wirelessly while  gassing up. The devices used are smaller than a deck of cards and are often fastened in close proximity to, or over the top of the ATM’s factory-installed card reader. They connect directly to the pump’s power supply, and include a Bluetooth chip that enables thieves to retrieve the stolen data just by pulling up to the pump and opening up a laptop.

Fortunately, EMV (chip) cards have reduced the severity of card skimming. The EMV chip provides a unique code for every transaction. However, the following tips were offered to further prevent altercations –

• Inspect The Card Reader and the Area Near the PIN Pad.
• Trust Your Instincts: If in Doubt, Use Another Pump.
• Avoid Using Your PIN at the Gas Pump.
• Keep an Eye on Your Accounts.

I have identity theft on my main checking/debit account. It has warned me of past transactions that have been potentially questionable. Going forward, I’m confident that will continue. (insert: sigh of relief)

I’ve witnessed a gas station ‘regular’ struggle to buy a pack of Marlboro Lights and a Red Bull, okay? With change, nonetheless. And I deal with prescribed narcotics.  Trust me, paying at the pump is so much better than saying – $20 –  pump 5.

Well, last year I decided to shake up the Thanksgiving Adele post by adding another similarly themed video.  Hello – bad idea. (pun/reference totally intended) . This year, I decided NOT to mess with tradition.  Besides, it’s really funny.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks, Adele!

The holidays are fast approaching. Next week is Thanksgiving. Crazy, eh? Therefore, I’ve decided to highlight yet another alcoholic beverage quite popular this time of year. Come to think of it, it’s popular year round. I’m talkin’ about wine – that ‘other grape juice’.

I’ve kind of avoided posting about this particular libation because it’s, like, huge. But, I was able to present the vastness of beer in a relatively simple one post format. With wine, I’ve decided to break it up into three groups based on color – white, red, and rose’.  I’m a basic dude, so this works for me.

White wine is my vise and virtue. Red is too much. And, quite frankly, the ‘blush’ variety was never really contemplated.  Until this past summer when a friend introduced me to a rose’ made by a local winemaker. It was quite refreshing. Better yet, I was inspired to forego my trepidation and forge ahead with my postal  presentation.  Besides, rose’ is the least intimidating of the three and may be the oldest type of wine around.

A rosé  is a type of wine that incorporates some of the color from the grape skins, but not enough to qualify it as a red wine. It may be the oldest known type of wine, as it is the most straightforward to make with the skin contact method. The pink color can range from a pale “onion-skin” orange to a vivid near-purple, depending on the varietals used and winemaking techniques. There are three major ways to produce rosé wine: skin contact, saignée, and blending.

wine etiquette

The simple mixing of red wine into white wine to impart color is uncommon, and is discouraged in most wine growing regions, especially in France, where it is forbidden by law.  Translation – no white trash winemaking.

brief blush blurb

Charles Kreck had been one of the first to plant Cabernet Sauvignon vines in California, and offered a friend/visitor a wine made from Cabernet that was a pale pink and as yet unnamed. Kreck would not call it “White Cabernet” as it was much darker in color than red grape “white” wines of the time, yet it was not as dark as the rosés he had known. His friend jokingly suggested the name “Cabernet Blush”. Then that evening phoned Kreck to say that he no longer thought the name a joke. In 1978, Kreck trademarked the word “Blush”. The term remained primarily in the United States until the late 1990’s. After that, prominent French influence persuaded the return to the original reference of rose’.

beyond basics

Beer has its hop. With wine, it’s all about the grape, baby.  The grape variety dictates the type of wine produced.  Well, that and how it’s processed. Countless books are devoted to each of these subjects.  For my postal purposes,  those simple sentences will just have to suffice.

Billy and a bottle

Red wine seems to  be the go to muse for songwriters.  However, leave it to Billy Joel to highlight all three varieties – in the opening verse, none the less.

Cin cin!

Being a writer, parent, and, yes, even a retail pharmacist, I watch and listen constantly.  I notice everything.  A good percentage of the time, this is beneficial.  That remaining percent – not so much.  Especially, when it comes to the dreaded ‘back story’. In the retail setting, unnecessary information is often cringe worthy. However, when eaves -dropping on gossip and really unimportant things, it’s rather fun.  Okay, okay.  That can be awful cringey, too.

Prime example – I was at the gym. A workout power couple arrived. Him first – the little bitch shortly after.            Back story – Her parents live in England with lots of money, supporting them both.  Who’s the ‘bitch’ now, dude? Neither probably work. Both think they are better looking than they actually are.  Oh, and their workout – curling their phones,  getting in ‘a set’. Did I mention she’s a baby mama? Yeah … . Probably supported by the State.

See – totally cringe worthy.  Yet, a perfect introduction for my post.

Granted, this particular couple is anything but powerful. Self-absorbed and entitled are better adjectives. Before I ramble on about everything a power couple ISN’T, let me present the true definition –

A super couple (also known as a power couple) is a popular or wealthy pairing that intrigues and fascinates the public in an intense or obsessive fashion. The term originated in the United States, and was coined in the early 1980s when interest in fictional soap opera couple Luke Spencer and Laura Webber, from General Hospital, made the pair a popular culture phenomenon. With regard to real-life pairings, tabloids and the mainstream media have focused on wealthy or popular celebrity couples.

• Julius Caesar and Cleopatra – after Caesar, Cleopatra moved on to Mark Antony. Power  hungry, eh?
• Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip – 70 years worth of power, baby!
• JoAnn Woodward and Paul Newman
• David and Victoria Beckham – Posh meets soccer – Spicy
• Beyonce’ and Jay-Z
• Kermit and Miss Piggy – Miss Piggy has all the power, of course.  Kermie’s just her little … tadpole?!

Honorable mention –

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – still powerful, little honor, but mentionable none the less

At the pharmacy, we- well, okay it is really all me – have singled out ‘special couples’ that are powerful in their own accord. Just like the introductory, disillusioned gym example, each IS a medicated train wreck, neither knowing who the hell is conducting.  “What the fuck happened to the caboose, dear?”

Yes, every couple is damaged and has their issues. Trust me! Fortunately, true power couples have power AND net worth. Shit, our pharmacy wannabes aren’t worth the damn net that catches their sorry asses.

Still, it get’s me through the day.  Recently, we were told by management that we needed to stop ‘talking’ badly about our customers.  I’m not thinkin’ that’s gonna happen anytime soon. There’s such an influx of  good, raw material. Ya’ never know, though.  Corporate suits  entertain us hired help in ways no one ever thought possible.

In a power couple, if one person is flawed, the other person makes up for their weaknesses in strength. Together they are the epitome of what anyone would desire in a relationship.

Ahh, domestic bliss!

time difference between MI and AZ : 3 hours (until November 04, that is)

attempts made by hotel employees to ‘shoo away’ cowbirds: 1 – that I witnessed

Cholla Trail on Camelback Mountain length: 1.5 miles

watching a college friend walk his daughter down the aisle: priceless

This was truly a MasterCard moment if there ever was one.  Though, I think I used my Visa debit card more often.  Regardless, this event definitely had television commercial potential.

This was my third time in Arizona. Yeah, I don’t get out much.  To be honest, I’m not a big fan of the state.  I’m a Midwest boy.  But, it was totally nice to get away.  Be that as it may, the whole zone difference thing was a really hard adjustment.  Three hours is quite a cumbersome chunk of time.  I was ready for bed at, like, 8 pm.  I’m gettin’ old, but I’m not that old. Yet! It was all good, though.  After the first night, I was back on track.  Well, as back on track as I could ever be.

Random fact: Arizona is one of two states that does NOT recognize Daylight Savings Time. Come November 04 the difference will only be two hours. Hmm … .  I would still be ready for bed at 8pm. Maybe I am that old?

My hotel was very nice – sprawling compound would be a suitable description.  Instead of being a high rise building, it had only two floors – think motel more than hotel.  Just NOT the motel mentality. The main restaurant was that ‘open’ concept with primarily all outdoor seating. While this was rather refreshing, it allowed for its share of unwanted guests – brown-headed cowbirds. At first, the birds fluttering about, chirping their little hearts out was welcome.  After two minutes, the damn things were fucking annoying – scoping out table scraps when you weren’t even done with your meal.  Tippi Hedren would’ve had some serious PTSD dining at this hotel restaurant.

The Camelback Mountain range creates the valley that is the Scottsdale, AZ area, deriving its name from the unique silhouette cast on the skyline. The Cholla Trail is a 1.5 mile hike to the ‘picturesque Valley view atop the summit‘.* For me, I just wanted something to do outside – 75 degrees and sunny skies at 10am, baby.  It was 43 degrees and overcast back in Traverse City. So you bet your sweet ass I’m gonna be outside. Bonus – access to the range was within walking distance from my hotel. Not a bonus – the Cholla trail was closed that morning. Apparently, there was a rescue in progress. Oh, well. I just walked back to the hotel and slept by the pool.

* direct quote from local tourist guide

This was the first wedding of a friend’s child I was able to attend. Whole new phase of life when ‘the next generation’ starts getting married. This one was extra special – I was the Godfather of the bride. So, being there really was priceless.

Recently, a friend of mine moved from Chicago to California.  Yeah, everyone tried to talk him out of it. But, it was a great professional opportunity. Despite the obvious reasons against CA, Midwesterners just do Autumn so much better. Case in point – he was quite disappointed when he took his kids to get pumpkins. The closest ‘patch’ was a parking lot.  (Pause) Linus would totally question the sincerity of that location.

Still, it made me ponder the positive potential of pumpkin posting.

personal pumpkin tendencies

• My mother-in-law makes the best pumpkin pie I’ve ever tasted. It’s her crust – thick; not too flakey.
• A local bakery makes a perfect pumpkin bread.  I look forward to it every Fall.
• Not a fan pumpkin pancakes.
• I’m not a big pumpkin carver.  I do great prep work.  I can clean out the inside of a pumpkin better than Lucy herself. For some reason though, I just don’t have the patience to carve the damn thing.
• As an alternative to carving, I have a floral arrangement placed inside. No snide comments, okay. Ceramic pumpkins work best. Real pumpkins tend to mold quickly.  That’s, like, totally gross.

Random patches

The word pumpkin originates from the word pepon, which is Greek for “large melon”. The French adapted this word to pompon, which the British changed to pumpion and to the later American colonists became known as pumpkin.

The term pumpkin has no agreed upon botanical or scientific meaning. That’s kinda harsh.  I’m sure Linus would completely disagree.

All pumpkins are winter squash and native to North America.

The Belgian man set a world record with a super squash that weighed 2,624.6 pounds.  The North American record is 2,261.5 pounds.

color me pumpkin

1. The color of pumpkins derives from orange carotenoid pigments.
2. An unripe, giant pumpkin begins life a bright yellow color. As it grows, it gradually turns a pale yellow, and finally some shade of orange. There is also a variety that ripens to yellow.
3. Casper and Baby Boo are the most common white pumpkin varieties. Very appropriate, eh?
4. A Blue Pumpkin is often referred to as Australian Blue Pumpkin, or Jaradale. However, it more closely resembles a Turban squash than a true pumpkin.
5. There truly are red pumpkins. The best known, yet hard to find  variety is “Rouge D’Etant”. There is also a variety called “Cinderella”.  That’s kinda’  fun. Though Sally probs has something to say about that.

parting pumpkin seed

Fun fact – Actually, it’s a stupid tidbit. Every time I watch the Charlie Brown Halloween Special, I fall asleep.  No idea why, but I do. The DVD cartoon is like 23 minutes long.  How is that possible?

Halloween is next week. So, my timing is spot on.  But according to Linus, it’s all about “publicity“.

Good grief! I’m doomed.

Good News – my son came home for a weekend visit.  With him, arrived a plethora of new topics to blog about.  Honestly, that plethora is limited to this one post.  But, it’s a solid. I’ll take anything I can get, especially considering current post ideas highlighted Hot Air Balloons and oatmeal.  (Pause) I do like to keep things balanced, though.  And random. So, it’s all good.

Recently, he saw a stand-up comic perform. Since he turned 21, my son is frequenting his share of hot spots, enjoying the perks of this wondrous ‘age’. (insert: heavy parental sigh) Then, he showed me some highlights of other performers he has followed. I was intrigued.  My interest was piqued when we realized the concepts in a stand-up comedy routine are applicable to almost every aspect of , well, Life.  It’s all about delivery, timing, and content. Well, that’s what my son surmised.  Coming from a 21 year old, that’s pretty damn insightful.  Though, he hasn’t made the correlation between the two just yet.  That was all me, baby.

Before I begin to ramble about this revelation, let me present some uncited, yet formidable ‘tips’ from veteran stand-up comedians –

• Allow ideas to evolve and flow
• Write everyday – pick a Point of View and find the comedic conflict
• Don’t worry about spelling or grammar – why would you? It’s a routine.
• Don’t memorize every word of your performance – spontaneity and improvisation are crucial
• Break down the fourth wall – No idea what this is, but it sounds ominous.
• Balance writing and performing
• Don’t be a jerk

CAUTION – Non-politically correct material included. It’s really funny, though.

My son and I disagreed slightly about the order of importance regarding the three crucial elements: timing- delivery – content. He felt delivery edged out timing. Only by a small margin, though. I countered. You can always have delivery, but without timing, delivery can be a total fail.  Timing truly is everything.  It’s like this annoying genetic trait inherited by those lucky few people I hate so much.  Just kidding.  I’m just totally jealous. My timing issues, or lack there of, are well documented.

Content, we decided, was the least important of the three. Sad, but true.  And, I’m a writer.  It doesn’t matter how stellar the content, if the timing and delivery aren’t there, you ain’t got shit.  Quite frankly, there are countless examples where mediocrity thrives just because of impeccable publicity. Crazy, stupid shit goes viral constantly. Thankfully, the ability to sustain the hype ultimately relies on content. (heavy sigh of relief)

Take it from someone who’s been in the trenches for some time – timing really is everything.  I realize that my content is often marginal, and often ‘niched’. But, it’s improving. Fortunately, I’ve got persistence and longevity, baby. My time will come. My Life will no longer be a Fictionalized Memoir.  It will be a well deserved reality.  And, that’s  A Promise.