Green with foliage envy

postal roots
I am the gardener in the family. It’s a genetic thing – on my mother’s side. She insists it’s cheaper than therapy. She should know – I was child #5 out 7. Fortunately, the plants haven’t started talking to me. Yet. When that happens, I think I may need to seek help. Ya’ think?
I posted a few years back about the fact that the ‘greenness’ of my thumb was limited to the outdoors. Translation: I tend to kill a lot of house plants. It ain’t pretty – literally or physically. Hell, one Croton plant lived up to its name – it totally croted. I realize that would’ve been funnier if the plant was a crocus. (pause) Still, all but one leaf fell off. I was so mad I ripped the damn thing off in a fit of over-dramatized despair. That’s a lie. I did nothing even remotely close – I just chucked the dead stalk in the trash can and shrugged.  What a crocus of shitus, eh?!

the dirty truth

My house plants have been looking pretty sad for quite some time now. Thankfully, holiday decorations skewed that focal point. Then, January arrived. Yeah,…  What green I had, went gangrene. Fuck transplanting – time for a fresh start. Besides, it was a New Year and a new decade.

green rules of thumb

To ensure success, I researched best practices AND consulted with experts at my favorite local nurseries. The main error of my ways was that damn size issue – my plants were always too small for their respective pots. I so know the feeling. This time, however, it was more than a personal problem.

  1. Match plants with light conditions – direct sun can actually burn certain foliage. Generally speaking, if you can read unassisted where the plant will be placed, there is sufficient light.
  2. Choose the right container. See – size really does matter.
  3. Use good-quality potting soil.
  4. Water properly – almost better to under water, than over water
  5. Fertilize and control pests. These are house plants. Children and pets are the ‘pests’ here. keep them contained.
  6. Increase humidity and prevent drafts. Good luck with that.
  7. Keep foliage clean – translation: keep the green clean, baby!
Proper lighting in the Garden of Adam Thomas
Well, that’s about it on the whole potted plant predicament. I am pleased with the results. My plants look happy again. Let’s just see what happens in six months.  Who knows. By that time, my thumb will either be so green I’m a fucking leprechaun. Or, I will be medicated and possibly institutionalized because those plants actually started talking. And, I listened!
Keep calm and grow plants 
I know this clip pertains to an outside tree. However, these are Dr. Seuss characters. They all live in, like, Terrariums. So, I’m thinking I’m good.

 

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