Marquee maxims and a DYI doodling

Over my many years of posting, I have presented those wonderful proverbs various local business marquees had to offer. I even took a walk on the wild side, throwing in the beguiling wisdom of billboards. Once, I got really risque and sighted the riddling magic that IS the bumper sticker.


Yes, I survived. Not that I am any wiser, mind you. Marquees, billboards, and bumper stickers (oh my!) – sorry, couldn’t resist – rarely induce deep thought  But, they provide a brief pondering and, more importantly, that much needed comic relief that is becoming sadly less abundant these days.

Recently, I was out and about town, running errands which ultimately lead me to two of the following maxims.  Sign lady may be gone. However, neither her nor her words are resting in peace. Be that as it may, Roy’s still boasts material to post. The second prompted me to go deep into the catacombs of rational Do It Yourself  yearnings of … mail delivery?

Hmm… .

With a lead-in hook like that, I have no other choice but to wax philosophically.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Oddly enough, I never thought about it; few probably have. Why would you? Tarzan’s lack of facial hair isn’t discussed extensively in everyday conversation. Yes, the hair is long, But, there is No beard. So, I did what every respectable, lazy blogger does and googled it. According to Disney,  ‘The fact that Tarzan was beardless is because all sexy Disney leading men are clean-shaven.’
End of argument, right? Hell, this IS Disney. How can anyone question that reasoning?  Though it would be really, really funny if at least one the Tarzan movies premiered in … Noverbeard. (pun so intended)
I’m not letting Tarzan get off that easy. If we are putting that much thought into his appearance, his hair should technically be longer.  Like at least ten feet longer – and that’s being conservative. According to the American Academy of Dermatology, the average amount of hair growth in a year is 6 inches So, if the dude is in his  mid-twenties when Jane comes calling, that would be a lot more locks. Rapunzel would so be jelly.

Life is short – smile while you still have teeth

Contrary to what might be expected, this was not on a dental office marquee. It was an Insurance Broker. Go figure,eh!? With over thirty years of retail under my belt, I’ve seen people with no teeth smile. Yikes! Neglecting dental hygiene is highly over-rated.

Save the Mail! 
Alas, I come to my DYI doodling. As I drove by the Post Office on that fateful, yet postal inspiring day. (you guessed it, pun intended) I saw a man peacefully sitting in a lawn chair. Perched on his lap was a homemade sign that read – SaVe  tHE MAil. I think it was done in, you guessed it again, crayon.
Yeah, … .

Just because it is a new decade – ugh! And, such an exciting one at that – bigger ugh!! Here is a random jab, celebrating the occasion.  Unfortunately, the year isn’t even close to be over. biggest ugh of all!!!

The Year 2020 reviewed – one star – not recommended. 

As far as I’m concerned, one star is way generous.

FREE end of summer reads

Unfortunately, those beach days are dwindling down. So, I decided to have another promotion.  Celebrate those days that remain. Read!

Today, Friday August 14, 2020 all three titles are FREE.

Click the icon(s), download the book, and read.

Oh, and go to the beach!

Happy beaching!

I’d settle for a ‘yay’!

It’s a known fact, I know very little. Of the really important things, that is. I know very much about things that are unimportant.
For me, the majority of this stems from the fact that I was in that generation of good, old-fashioned television and equally good, if not better, movies. Oh, I read my share of books. And, actually graduated Pharmacy School.  Yeah, some people are still scratching their heads over that one. As far as those movies were concerned, they  were often very cheesy. But, they were still really, really good – just pure, simple fun.
This influenced my creativity tremendously.  Fundamentally, telling a story is pretty structured. Eventually, all story lines lead up to that final climactic moment where everything falls into place. You know that pivotal scene where what was lost or unrealized materializes. Then, in an epiphanic moment, the main character(s) shout the word … ‘Jumanji”. And, everything is, like, fucking awesome.
I AM waiting for my ‘Jumanji’.
Honestly, I’ve been waiting for some time. I’ve even documented my attempts at the almighty task here in some blogging fashion or another. Yet, try as I might,  the ability to shout that word has eluded me. I realize, of course, it really ISN’T that easy in a non-fictionalized existence. But, Life often imitates fiction, so this is totally feasible.  Right,? Alas, there is no team of screenwriters, conjuring up some fantastic plan that will make me scream with wild abandon when that moment arrives. I’m not sure if anyone, including myself, could handle that. Hell, I would be happy with a simple ‘yay’!.
insert – heavy sigh!
Sometimes, though, the decisions we make allow us to write our own screenplays. Recently, something happened that made me think  my chance had arrived. Over My Life as a Retail Pharmacist, I’ve helped numerous co-workers forge their way in a new direction – outside  this hell I call a profession. I did this without any ulterior motive whatsoever. Hell, if someone could actually get out – more power to them. If I could help, even better. Karma may be a bitch. But, you never know – that ‘bitch’ might help me sometime.  Unfortunately, that aforementioned chance kinda’ back-fired. It was more of a petered out, than a backfire, to be perfectly honest.
Oh, well. I’m not that concerned, though. Another opportunity will present itself sooner than later. My time will eventually come. Then, everything will be, like, fucking awesome.  And,  ‘Jumanji’ will be heralded loud and clear.

If only it were that easy, eh?!

click, download, read – all for FREE

I’m keeping it short and simple.

Today, Tuesday June 16, 2020 all three titles are FREE.

So, do as the title suggests – click the icon(s), download the book, and read.

It really is that simple.

Happy reading!

The Secret Life of Almond Flour

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”

Recently, I watched, or re-watched, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It’s quite the lovely movie based on an interesting, and equally lovely tale. Through the years though, poor Mr. Mitty has been subjected to numerous psycho analysis. Fortunately, Walter had no idea what was going on. He’s a fictional character.

James Thurber – v- Ben Stiller –

The short story was published in The New Yorker March 18, 1939. During weekly errands with his wife, Mitty daydreams about his Secret Life. By doing so, he escapes the vague reality of those tasks and his mundane existence.

The movie adaptation was released December 25, 2013. Stiller directed and starred as the title character. In the beginning, Mitty has his share of daydreaming adventures. Then, the movie deviates from the book. Rather than wallowing in his self-inflicted imprisonment,  Stiller’s Mitty actually starts living a Life larger than any daydream he could’ve ever imagined. It’s quite inspiring.

side note: In 1947, the first film adaption was released. Yes, it was true to the book. However, it was no where near as complete and entertaining as the 2013 version.

Walter Mitty was on to something –

A well directed, vivid imagination holds immense power and unlimited potential. So, how’s that for a sentence, eh?! I’m kinda proud of it. More importantly, it’s, like, so true. Every positive thinking concept from Norman Vincent Peale to that whole ‘send it out to the Universe” shit emphasizes the importance of visualization. Unfortunately, Mr. Mitty’s was … misdirected, lacking in both power and potential. But, there is a positive here. In some twisted way, daydream believing served it’s purpose, allowing Walter to cope with his reality.

Clementine Cake –

Finally, the reason for the inclusion of Almond Flour. No, it didn’t need to be capitalized, but it has a purpose. (pause) Just not one that’s  ‘all-purpose’ like its unbleached white flour counterpart.

Clementine cake was the key that unlocked the door leading to the film adaption character’s no longer secret life. The main ingredient that defined his purpose. (puns so intended). It was the favorite cake his mother made for him every birthday. Apparently, his wish for adventure came true.

side note: There is no standard conversion when substituting almond flour for regular flour. Though, altering the recipe might be necessary. Almond flour typically requires more egg or binding agent.

Look into the sun as the new days rise.

The word quintessence is originated form Latin, which means Quinta Essentia (Fifth Essence). Hence Quintessence of Life means the fifth essence of life. According to the western philosophy, the circle of life comprises of four essences: air, fire, water and earth. Air, represents the movement.

You know, there had to be a vocabulary lesson in this Random Nonsense  somewhere. It’s all about the quintessence, baby. Well that, and a really cool closing musical video.


Merry Spring!?

Frankincense  has been wallowing in the depths of DRAFT despair for some time. Honestly, I was saving it for a possible December post. Considering the topic, that would be very timely. I am NOT a Wise Man, though. I have no idea what  myrrh is – even after a quick. unfocused search.   And, Gold … . Well, that would so really come in handy right now.  I’m not a total lost cause. I didn’t need to look to the stars for direction on the benefits of frankincense.
Hmm, ... . That was a poor attempt for a quick witted transitional opener, eh?!
Recently, I woke up one lovely Spring morning and it was 27 degrees, the wind was 35 miles an hour, and the four letter word that provokes many other four letter words, especially in April, covered the ground!     Yeah, … .
I’ve mentioned numerous times before about how my timing is just shit. That hasn’t changed. So with all things considered, I decided to go postal with this frankincense idea. Its blog-worthiness became apparent. Besides, it IS essential.
Essential oils, which are obtained through mechanical pressing or distillation, are concentrated plant extracts that retain the natural smell and flavor of their source. Each essential oil has a unique composition of chemicals, and this variation affects the smell, absorption, and effects on the body.
Used in aromatherapy, Frankincense –
  • works as an expectorant to clear the nasal passageway
  • promotes the relief of congestion
  • encourages easy breathing
Moreover, its sweet, woody aroma is sedative, diminishing feelings of stress and anxiety.
Ahh, … !
Topically, Frankincense oil spurns cell turnover –
  • helping heal and fade scars.
  • stimulate healthy skin growth
  • strengthen the skin’s elasticity
Since Frankincense is a mild oil it can be applied directly to skin. If irritation does occur, dilute with a carrier oil or stagger use.
Essential or not, I have never been one of those people. Not only did I question the therapeutic effectiveness of such products, but the smells were just awful. Then, … I aged. Yeah – not fun. I even got these damn spots to remind me every day of the fact. As if, my aching body wasn’t enough reminder, eh?!
A friend owns a local health food store and told me about Frankincense. Being an open-minded individual – no comment from those that really know me – I decided to give it a try. My body easily absorbed the smell – don’t ask, okay. It’s a long story.  Even without this ‘Super Power’, I’m certain the odor would’ve dissipated quickly.
The result was way cool. My age spots are fading nicely. My back still aches, but I look less … tropical? Please, know,  I’m still not one of those people. But this Frankincense stuff is truly gift worthy. It’s not the Gold mine I was looking for, but myrrh-be I should take what I can get.
Merry May Day!

All for FREE in this free-for-all

Yepperdoodles folks. You read that correctly. All three titles are FREE today ONLY. Just click on a book jacket icon to download. Hell, click to download all three. They are FREE.

In case there’s any doubt, yepperdoodles IS a word. According to Urban Dictionary, that is. Hmmm … . Knowing that, could make one skeptical. Be that as it may, it’s fun. And, we could all use some fun right now.

Oh,  it means yes, yepp, yup, what ever you think by meaning to say yes. Knowing that, this is totally applicable.

famous last words – Hollywood edition

I love movies. Moreover, I love going to the movie theater – especially here in Traverse City. The State Theatre and Bijou are amazing venues to view films. Unfortunately, I don’t get out that much. Especially now. Even more unfortunate is the fact that my home theater is anything but.  Nonetheless, it works. I get to watch movies in the comfort of my own home with little distraction.  Other than my wife, that is.

looking elsewhere

For the most part, the movie industry strives  for the proverbial happily ever after. This tendency  often makes some movie  moments more forced than necessary. Still, the final scene is what makes a movie memorable. I’m not a huge Casablanca fan, but even I know ‘the line’ .

say what?

Over the last few weeks, my household, like most, have been watching a-l-o-t of movies. So, in the spirit of Humphrey Bogart’s famous farewell, I wanted to highlight some additional closing lines.  Hollywood style, of course.

nicely said

‘As you wish.’The Princess Bride
These three words defined this movie. Any other ending would’ve been … inconceivable.
‘A little girl.’Overboard (the original version with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell)
I couldn’t think of a more appropriate line to such a delightful movie.
‘It already came true.’Sixteen Candles
Let’s face it – this movie has more than its share of memorable moments and quotable quotes. However, this closing  sentiment … takes the cake. (pun so intended)

stop talking

For as many famous last lines, I can count as many, if not more, ‘what the fuck were they thinking’s’.
She saves him right backPretty Woman
Sorry, but this line is sooo lame. And, forced.  The entire last scene is forced, to be perfectly honest. Fortunately, the rest of the movie makes up for this lapse in screenwriting judgment.
My hero. – What Women Want
I saved the best for last. Or would that be the worst for last. Doesn’t matter. There are much worse ending lines to movies than this. But, at the time this movie was released, Mel Gibson was, well, Mel Gibson – in full Lethal Weapon mode, I might add. So, hearing him say those two words to Helen Hunt were almost as awkward as the close-up of Pierce Brosnan singing in Mamma Mia.

Order up!

There are more examples both good and bad. Hell, some are down right ugly. Me, I want to remain memorable. I know My … Fictionalized Memoir  isn’t a movie. Yet. But when it does get it’s big screen opportunity, I will demand an appropriate last liner.

Green with foliage envy

postal roots
I am the gardener in the family. It’s a genetic thing – on my mother’s side. She insists it’s cheaper than therapy. She should know – I was child #5 out 7. Fortunately, the plants haven’t started talking to me. Yet. When that happens, I think I may need to seek help. Ya’ think?
I posted a few years back about the fact that the ‘greenness’ of my thumb was limited to the outdoors. Translation: I tend to kill a lot of house plants. It ain’t pretty – literally or physically. Hell, one Croton plant lived up to its name – it totally croted. I realize that would’ve been funnier if the plant was a crocus. (pause) Still, all but one leaf fell off. I was so mad I ripped the damn thing off in a fit of over-dramatized despair. That’s a lie. I did nothing even remotely close – I just chucked the dead stalk in the trash can and shrugged.  What a crocus of shitus, eh?!

the dirty truth

My house plants have been looking pretty sad for quite some time now. Thankfully, holiday decorations skewed that focal point. Then, January arrived. Yeah,…  What green I had, went gangrene. Fuck transplanting – time for a fresh start. Besides, it was a New Year and a new decade.

green rules of thumb

To ensure success, I researched best practices AND consulted with experts at my favorite local nurseries. The main error of my ways was that damn size issue – my plants were always too small for their respective pots. I so know the feeling. This time, however, it was more than a personal problem.

  1. Match plants with light conditions – direct sun can actually burn certain foliage. Generally speaking, if you can read unassisted where the plant will be placed, there is sufficient light.
  2. Choose the right container. See – size really does matter.
  3. Use good-quality potting soil.
  4. Water properly – almost better to under water, than over water
  5. Fertilize and control pests. These are house plants. Children and pets are the ‘pests’ here. keep them contained.
  6. Increase humidity and prevent drafts. Good luck with that.
  7. Keep foliage clean – translation: keep the green clean, baby!
Proper lighting in the Garden of Adam Thomas
Well, that’s about it on the whole potted plant predicament. I am pleased with the results. My plants look happy again. Let’s just see what happens in six months.  Who knows. By that time, my thumb will either be so green I’m a fucking leprechaun. Or, I will be medicated and possibly institutionalized because those plants actually started talking. And, I listened!
Keep calm and grow plants 
I know this clip pertains to an outside tree. However, these are Dr. Seuss characters. They all live in, like, Terrariums. So, I’m thinking I’m good.


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