the colon cleanse

In my quest to continue my Spring cleaning ritual, I decided to look inward as well. Yeah, right, that will never happen. Even the idea I would consider such a thing is a complete crock of … shit. However, that ‘reference’ does serve as the perfect introduction to a routine  procedure I have been putting off  since I turned fifty.
the screening colonoscopy
Normally, I AM a protocol follower. I have an annual physical. I change the car oil every 5000 miles. Hell, I swap out the damn furnace filter every two months rather than three. Therefore, a colonoscopy should be a no-brainer for an anal-retentive (pun intended) dude like me. But, it ain’t. It’s that whole fasting thing. I could give two shits – literally – about drinking that bowel prep kit.  But to fast, … . Yikes. I eat like 7 times a day. See why I’ve waited so long?
I inquired about Cologuard – a somewhat similar screening you do from the comfort of your own home. Send a sample of your shit off to some far away place for analysis and you’re done. Sure beats having some light saber shoved up you ass.  Best of all, I wouldn’t have to fast. Yeah, baby! Unfortunately, the procedure was not covered on my insurance. And, I ain’t getting any younger.

the procedure

A colonoscopy is an exam used to detect changes or abnormalities in the large intestine (colon) and rectum. During a colonoscopy, a long, flexible tube (colonoscope) is inserted into the rectum. A tiny video camera at the tip of the tube allows the doctor to view the inside of the entire colon. If necessary, polyps or other types of abnormal tissue can be removed through the scope during a colonoscopy. Tissue samples (biopsies) can be taken during a colonoscopy as well.

the reasoning

… to  screen for colon cancer. If you’re age 50 or older and at average risk of colon cancer — you have no colon cancer risk factors other than age — a colonoscopy is recommended every 10 years.

the dreaded CLEAR LIQUID DIET

  • water, flavored water, and pretty much anything water related
  • decaffeinated tea
  • weak coffee – why even bother, eh?
  • juice, drinks, clear sodas – nothing red or purple. What would Barney say?
  • chicken and/or beef broth  diluted with … water. Imagine that!

the Nutty end to this post

When I first thought to post about my anal, un-retentive cleansing experience, numerous fun ideas about how to present this not fun material went through my mind. However, when it came time to write the post, those ideas continued right through me. Just like everything else, eh? Damn Clenpiq. Needless to say, this post is not as creative as originally anticipated. My sincere apologies, of course.  Few people can take the fart of colon cleansing and make it entertaining. Case in point – Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy … . Oh, and Jamal Mixon?!

MasterCard Moment: Conan Gray concert

number of concerts I’ve attended with my youngest daughter: 2

venue capacity – the Loving Touch in Ferndale, MI: 200 people

number of subscribers to Conan Gray’s YouTube channel: 1,255,187 (and counting)

unknowingly ‘experiencing’ the 48th annual Ann Arbor Hash Bash: priceless?

Let me tell ya’, this was quite the ‘Moment’. Silly me for thinking something as simple as taking my daughter to the concert of her favorite YouTuber could be so parentally challenging. It was all good, though. And, I’ve got material to blog about.

Fall Out Boy was the first concert my daughter and I ever attended. It was a few years back and quite fun. So when this opportunity arose, I was more than happy to chaperon.  Besides, it was 232 miles away. And, she asked a friend with similar, but definitely not equal, admiration of Mr. Conan Gray to join her. NOTE: I was not invited to ATTEND the actual concert. Since I’m not a sixteen year old girl, I was totally fine with that stipulation.   However, that changed the moment I heard the name of the concert venue.

The Loving Touch is a place to play pool. But beyond just billiards, The Loving Touch is a unique establishment in both function and form. The surrounding community has inspired it to become a thriving music venue.

There’s a whole website, of course. Unfortunately, the establishment looked as sketch as the name.  I trusted my daughter, though. And, she was with a friend. Our hotel was under 2 miles away. I would camp out there until contacted. Finally, we established a communication timetable to ensure a stress free evening. If that’s even possible when dropping your daughter off at a place called The Loving Touch. Fortunately when concert time arrived, numerous parents accompanied their own fangirls inside. (heavy sigh of relief)

Conan Gray is all of about 20. Did I mention he has 1,255,187+  YouTube subscribers?  Yeah, … . I don’t even have 1% of that following my blog. Oddly enough, he has only 1 album. And, there are just 5 songs on that album.  I am so doing something wrong. Be that as it all may be, my daughter had an incredible time. She bought the vinyl. Then, Mr. Gray himself posed with fans.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUKxvWVo8lmRXkbTOkqUhGg

The silliest of the ‘silly me for thinking’ moments was suggesting we stop in Ann Arbor beforehand. My daughter has never been there. The downtown area is quite nice. Great idea, eh?

Hash Bash is  originally held every April 1st, but now on the first Saturday of April at noon on the University of Michigan Diag. A collection of speeches, live music, street vending and occasional civil disobedience are centered on the goal of reforming federal, state, and local marijuana laws. The first Hash Bash was held on Saturday, April 1, 1972.

Yeah, … . Since the weather was beautiful AND the law was actually reformed in November, it was an event. Needless to say, we were all a bit overwhelmed by the … crowds. After lunch, we promptly departed.  For The Loving Touch.

Pause

Still, it was all good.  Sometimes even the sketchiest of ‘Moments’ turn out to be … like, totally priceless, Dude!

By the way, I didn’t inhale.

food foddered fandom

Sign Lady’s latest and worthiest maxim read The donut is the original hole food. While I totally love donuts, I totally don’t love this. So, I continued to look elsewhere for inspiration. It ain’t all bad. Especially considering, my bumper stickers, billboards, and bargains – oh my! post a few months back was just a blast – for me, at least.
This time, I wanted something that wasn’t a Blank Space. Luckily, I found it – a suitable billboard advertisement from Jake the Bald Butcher’s competitor (sorry, dude). A local liquor store had an interesting ‘thought’ about feelings, of all things (hmm … ). And, to round out my trifecta of food foddered fandom, I found a commercial. I am so changing this shit up, eh? By the way, the commercial is pharmaceutical related AND makes me extremely … Angry. (imagine that) I need a drink.

Time to STOP salting the roads, and START seasoning the barbecue.

Well, Jake’s got a worthy adversary when it comes to billboard musings.  With the winter we’ve had here in Northern Michigan, folks are more than fired up (pun intended) for anything remotely related to summer. Hell, my gas grill is readily available year round. You can only have so much ‘comfort food’. A nice piece of flame-broiled meat can warm even the coldest … April Winter Storm. Yeah, baby!

I have mixed drinks about feelings.

Leave it to a liquor store marquee to serve up such wisdom. However, that sounds more like something Ted Danson’s infamous bartender Sam Malone would say. Though, I’m sure he’s poured his share of Hard Cider from Angry Orchard.

a commercial – Afressa

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/dnNL/afrezza-mealtime

This commercial epitomizes what is wrong with the state of Health Care today. Instead of encouraging behavior modification (in this case, healthy foods choices AND portion control), it enables just the opposite, condoning acceptance of disease related states. In pharmacy school, we were taught to educate patients on positive life style changes. If a known diabetic patient purchased a Snickers bar, it was ‘our professional duty’ to counsel appropriately. But, that was 30 years ago. Today, the same patient type would no doubt tell me to ‘fuck off’ and mind my own business. Then, I would get in trouble because the receipt survey percentage tanked. No one wants to be held accountable for anything, including their health.  Instead of taking responsibility for their compromised state, they look to place the blame elsewhere.  So frustrating.

Stop – Breathe – Continue

Well, talkin all this food made me really, really hungry.  Maybe if I go fishing, a well seasoned burger will appear out of nowhere. (sarcasm intended)  Since I’m not that delusional, I’ll just pack a salad. By the way, I don’t fish. One last thing needs to be said regarding my food related fodder.  Jake the Bald Butcher better watch his …  Back.  Recently, I saw another catchy phrase from his competitor – I like pig butts and I cannot lie.

Cheers!

aww – the Simple Things

It’s a known fact I am a Weather Channel slug.  But remember, that slugness is limited to the Local on the 8’s. Sometimes though, I experience Eightus Interruptus. Regularly scheduled programming turns that 8 into a 9 if the Local’s are even aired. In the mean time, I’m forced to watch various shows. One program in particular showcases how people survive in extreme weather conditions. In one episode, the host consulted an environmental psychologist in an attempt to explain a ‘situation’. Apparently, an individual was wounded and lost in the forest. Somehow, he dragged himself to water. En route, there was a field of flowers.  This person was so awed by the beauty of the flowers, he changed his perspective from dired straights to being overcome with joy. Consequently, this surge of positive energy enabled him to survive.

Commercial break – The Local’s came ON.  Then, the television went … OFF.

To be honest, I didn’t want to watch anymore.  Yes, the segmented stories are based on actually events. But, the televised recreation is over-dramatized, to say the least. I don’t do drama. Intentionally. Still, the idea of being ‘awed’ stayed with me. In a very undramatized way.

I have ever been awed in my life.  Yeah, I’ve been ‘moved’. I guess. And, I can be quite the emotional freak.  However, to be truly ‘awed‘ … . Never happened.

Yet, I’m fine with it.

I guess I should qualify a few things before I continue. When I’m talkin’ A-W-E, I mean it in a positive way.  I am disturbed, maybe awed, on a regular basis at what heinous things people do. So, let’s not go there. Also, I never want to be in a situation where I’m wounded in the forest and need to be awed to survive. Yikes!

As far as ‘Life Events’ are concerned – marriage, kids, etc… –  been there, done that. To me, these are events that are planned and carefully thought about; usually at great lengths. Consequently, by the time the ‘Event’ happens, I am more relieved it’s done. Then, I am ready to move on.

All things considered, I am more of an aww person. I don’t need to be awed. I’m content  with my task orientated fulfillment thing I’s got goin’ down. At 53, I really can’t change who I am either. Quite frankly, I don’t want to.  I like Me.  Besides, you can’t force a desired reaction; especially one as profound as A-W-E.

Even when that New York Times Number One Bestselling Author day arrives for me, I won’t be awed. Yeah, that shit will be da’ bomb. But, I’ve worked hard to get there. I deserve the success that follows.

I’m not completely flawed, though.  I enjoy the Simple Things.  Hell, yesterday I found two pennies. Both heads up. It got me through the day, baby. That’s what I need. The grandeur of being awed might be really cool. But, simple, yet random aww can really help you … survive.

A-W-E

Spring Cling up

In Northern Michigan, ‘Spring’ really doesn’t exist. We experience winter and have the month of July. Maybe August, if we are lucky. Other than that, the weather is just … weather. Still, the concept of Spring cleaning has taken a hold of this dude.  Without even thinking of it, I was getting things accomplished. Checking tasks off a to do list is quite satisfying.

Thankfully, my blog was ‘cleaned’ a few months back. However, I realized one item needed to be wrapped up – literally.

the culinary ‘after thought’

  • Plastic wrap was originally made of polyvinyl chloride (PVC) plastic, which is notoriously hard to recycle and its toxicity has been questionable. However, low density polyethylene (LDPE) is becoming more common, and manufacturers have been continually improving their products to create totally non-toxic food wraps.
  • The accidental invention of plastic wrap in 1933 is attributed to Ralph Wiley from Dow Chemical. The substance was originally used by the military as a spray on planes and other vehicles, to protect them from rust and other deterioration.
  • Plastic wrap was not developed as a food wrap until 1949, when it was first used in the food industry, and it was not until 1953 that it was available for home use.

Granted plastic wrap doesn’t have too many loose ends. (pun intended) But, my made FOR cooking post a few weeks back had one. And, I’m in cleaning mode – don’t fuck with me when I’m in the mode.

Yes and No

… plastic wrap can be used in the microwave. It is recommend that users poke holes for steam ventilation. However, high fat food (gross) can melt the plastic wrap if heated to a high enough temperature. (grosser) By the way, I so disagree. I never use it in the microwave.

… plastic wrap is not to be used in conventional ovens, stove tops, or toaster ovens. The plastic will melt if used in any of these cooking units. Duhhh! Though, I’m certain some of my dumb-ass customers have tried this. Then, they called the pharmacy because they got burned.

common uses

Plastic wrap will protect food when in the freezer. It is recommended that no air be between the plastic wrap and the food.  That will help protect the food from freezer burn. Yeah, Good luck with the ‘no air’ thing.

uncommon uses

It has been rumored that a piece of Saran Wrap can be used as an impromptu condom. Unfortunately, it cannot withstand the friction of intercourse. And, its barrier protection is inadequate, to say the least.  Imagine that?!

Plastic wrap is touted by some spas as a means of permanently losing weight. The application of plastic wrap dipped in an herbal substance causes sweating, which is supposed to detoxify the body, aiding in weight loss. First of all, permanent should never be used when discussing weight loss unless certain lifestyle choices are formidably maintained. Second, those that even think this would be permanent should rethink more than just their weight loss intentions. 

the final seal 

Well, my culinary after thought is officially thunk. One more thing checked off that list.

Happy Spring Clinging!

Gumballs Keep Falling on my Head

I’m bangin’ a postal Crazy Ivan to discuss the wonderful invention of … bubble gum.  Actually, it wasn’t really an invention, but a mistake.  Now, over 100,000 tons of bubble gum is chewed every year all around the world.

In 1928, Walter Diemer was working as an accountant for the Fleer Chewing Gum Company in Philadelphia; what he wound up doing in his spare time was playing around with new gum recipes. But this latest batch was less sticky than regular chewing gum and it stretched more easily.

My reintroduction to bubble gum began in my travel hockey days.  Driving around Michigan and neighboring territories can be a little boring. Consequently, I got tired. At one of my daughter’s games, some parents and I were talking about ways to combat ‘the drive’. One father suggested chewing gum. By doing this, the yawn ‘complex’ is interrupted. Hence, your body no longer follows suit.  Added bonus, the muscles in your jaw get a more chiseled appearance.  Nice.

rainblo of flavors

Over the years, sweeteners in gum have changed. The Sugar-Free mania introduced Aspartame into the majority of chewing AND bubble gum varieties. I avoid that fake shit. Unfortunately, finding clean alternatives is hard. That is if you consider sugar and sometimes  even high fructose corn syrup clean. Hmmm… .

  • Bazooka the hard beginnings – a childhood memory 
  • Hubba Bubbavery soft, but very sweet- it contains sugar AND aspartame. Gross!
  • Glee / Spry – more chewing gum than bubble gum – a healthy alternative, though
  • Dubble Bubble individual wrapped option – I drop things on the car floor. A lot. Wanna a piece?
  • Rainblomy personal favorite – every Easter Rainblo has egg-shaped gumballs. Fun and festive.

random gumballs

  • A mathematician once calculated that the energy Americans expend everyday when chewing bubble gum was enough to light a city of ten million people.
  • When your popped bubble gets stuck in your hair, you can remove it by rubbing the piece stuck with peanut butter
  • It is believed that ancient Greeks found relief from stress by chewing a gum that was made from a resin.
  • In Africa, it was said that various tribes accepted large quantities of bubble gum in lieu of sheep and oxen, as payment for a wife.
  • Chewing bubble gum is said to keep one from crying, as it reduces stress and helps in concentration.
  •  Swallowed bubble gum will not get stuck to your intestines, but will pass through your system. Gum base cannot be digested, as it has fiber that is indigestible.
  • Studies suggest that chewing gum can help you concentrate, improve long-term and working memory, reduce muscle tension, and increase alertness.

popping the proverbial bubble

  • Susan Montgomery Williams set the Guinness World Record for largest bubblegum bubble ever blown at 26 inches (66 cm) in diameter back in 1996.
  • Chad Fell holds the record for “Largest Hands-free Bubblegum Bubble” at 20 inches (51 cm), achieved on 24 April 2004.

I’m not entirely sure what a hands-free bubble is. I have an idea, but sounds kinda sketch. Regardless, the bubble gum flavor in this post has run out. Before I get hard and lumpy, I will close. There’s only a small window of opportunity to get rid of that wad, ya know. The aftertaste of over-chewed gum is just nasty. Besides, it’s a wonderful time for a … Bedtime Story?

behind the Dora door

When I thought about Dora and her new adventures into adulthood, a few, very Random thoughts popped into mind. Imagine that, eh?  Actually, those thoughts were limited to two names and … one Disney movie?

Believe it or not, all three are related. Really. I just hope to hell I can present what I want to convey in a readable, non-random fashion.

  • Lindsay Lohan‘s work won her childhood stardom, and the sleeper hit Mean Girls (2004) affirmed her status as a teen idol. After starring in Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005), she quickly became the subject of intense media coverage following a series of personal struggles and legal trouble, as well as stints in rehabilitation facilities, which led to the loss of several roles and significantly impacted her career and public image

  • Marilyn Chambers, the pretty Ivory Snow soap girl helped bring hard-core adult films into the mainstream consciousness when she starred in the explicit 1972 movie “Behind the Green Door”.

  • Troy Bolton (Zac Efron) is captain of the basketball team and Gabriella Montez (Vanessa Hudgens), is a shy transfer student. Together, they try out for the lead parts in their High School Musical (HSM), and this causes division among all the school’s students. Despite other students’ attempts to thwart their dreams, Troy and Gabriella resist peer pressure and rivalry, inspiring others along the way not to “stick to the status quo“.

Unfortunately, that damn Map led Dora away from the innocence of HSM to Behind some Door that I’m certain Lindsay Lohan opened. Granted, Dora hasn’t gone completely Green like Ms. Chambers. However, there is an episode where Dora travels to a Vegas strip club for a bachelorette party.  So, … .

I know everything that transpired in HSM would never happen anywhere but on the Disney Channel. Still, it’s nice to think otherwise.  My 16 year old daughter tells me constantly that middle school was so much worse than High School. Yikes!  Maybe that’s where Dora strayed? Maybe if she hung with Troy and Gabriella, she would’ve had her head in the correct game. Instead, she soared off that status quo trajectory and started checking pregnancy tests.

For me, some things just need to remain unscathed.  Dora should forever be trapped in her computer young and innocent and pure – when I say pure, it is NOT pure as … Ivory Snow! Okay? It sounds completely naive, but not all teen stars need to have a #Lindsaymeltdown. For ten years, mind you.

Anyway, I could go on. To continue, though, would be complete Nonsense. If that hasn’t happened already. Instead, I’m going to close the Door on this post, hoping I achieved my goal. Oh, I’m still not going to sing with Boots.  He’s too stoned to remember the lyrics.

Dora: Then and Now

Then

Dora the Explorer” features the adventures of young Dora, her monkey Boots, Backpack and other animated friends. In each episode, viewers join Dora on an adventure in an animated world set inside a computer. The titular character seeks viewers’ help in solving a puzzle or mystery she faces in each episode. Common rituals may involve Dora’s encounters with Swiper, a masked thieving fox. To stop Swiper, Dora must say “Swiper no swiping” three times. When ‘lost’, Dora finds the right path to follow from Map. The episode always ends with Dora successfully reaching the locale, singing the “We Did It!” song with Boots in triumph.
First episode date: August 14, 2000
Final episode date: June 5, 2014
Honestly, my kids watched Dora by default.  It was often sandwiched between more desired shows. Yet even when it filled that transitional ‘void’, my kids were never engaged. No particular reason. It’s quite random what attracts the attention of children (and adults, for that matter). Dora had a good run. Fourteen years is quite an accomplishment for any television show — especially a cartoon.  Thankfully, we purchased very few novelty show-based items. Birthday presents from classmates or friends who actually watched the show were inevitable, though.

Now

During that long running stint, Dora never really ‘aged’.  That changed. In the short three to four year period after the show ended, she made up for lost time, baby.  Now, she’s 24 and has her share of issues.

AOK is the home to hilarious topical animations and live action comedy sketches poking fun at everything from politics to pop culture. You can find parodies of Donald Trump, Kanye West, Super Smash Bros., Dora the Explorer, the Power Rangers, and more. Melting faces one short at a time. Presented by The Jackal Group.

Fortunately, Dora still has her trusty companions.  However, after watching and episode or two, I wonder if that is really the best thing for our heroine.*

  • Boots – resembles the unfortunate result of too much recreational dispensary visits.
  • backpack – Dora should’ve upgraded long ago. That damn backpack has been through a lot.
  • map – a global trajectory update is needed here as well. From what I’ve viewed, Map has misdirected Dora more than once on her road to adulthood.
  • Swiper – has’t graduated from Petty Theft to Grand Larceny. Yet. He is still quite the sly fox.  Though, his swiping now requires more damage control than ever before.

*I probs should’ve reconsidered my word choice, considering some of Dora’s NEW adventures.

Ironically enough, my daughter found this by default. YouTube ‘recommended’ the video because she is such a huge Big Mouth fan. While we appreciate the concept, we’re not fond of Dora The Grown Up. Alas, I’ve decided to save my commentary for the next post.  Like cling wrap, there’s a few ‘after thoughts’ I’d like to mention. Don’t be concerned – I promise NOT to break out into song with Boots. But, I have successfully reached my locale.

“We Did It!”

made FOR cooking

Well, I’ve officially left the shop. Thankfully.  Regardless of content, two pharmacy talks in a row is rather much. So for this post, I’m going to my happy place. (Pause)

It’s the damn kitchen, okay.  That was not intended to sound creepy by the way.

I realize talking cooking sheet liners is quite Random, but there is nothing Nonsensical about it.  According to both Martha and that Pioneer Woman, this IS important sheet. (pun intended) Initially, I was going to include cling wrap. Then, decided that should be a follow-up post. One ‘special’ Saran use just warranted being singled out. Besides, cling wrap is more of an after thought. These two kitchen bad boys are made FOR cooking.

Aluminum foil

This was my first covering for everything. Well, … almost everything. (Pause) Though recently, this go to kitchen aide has been put through the “mill” more than once.

two sides to every story

According to Reynold’s Kitchen, the difference in appearance between the two sides of aluminum foil is simply a result of manufacturing and serves no real purpose.

” … the foil is “milled” in layers during production. The two layers are in contact with each other at the same time, if this was not done, the foil would break during the milling process. Where the foil is in contact with another layer, that’s the “dull” side. The “shiny” side is the side milled without being in contact with another layer. The performance of the foil is the same, whichever side you use.”

to wrap or not to wrap?

Over the years, rumors have swirled about high levels of aluminum leading to health risks including Alzheimer’s and kidney disease. The truth is aluminum is all around (even in the water supply), and regular contact does not appear to cause problems. Furthermore, The body has numerous mechanisms to help rid the body of excess amounts of this metal. So, the answer is easy – wrap it up, baby.

Parchment paper

Not sure how, but one day I ditched the culinary aide bling and went parchment white. I blame Martha Stewart – she loves a nice piece of … paper. She’s very cautious, too. Every recipe I’ve used of her’s actually requires both – wrap the food in parchment paper, then cover with foil. She really doesn’t want to get that bun in the oven.  Burned, eh?

fun facts –

  • Parchment paper is grease and moisture-resistant paper specially treated for oven use.
  • cool alternative for baking – parchment paper cupcake liners. Subtle, yet sophisticated.

according to the Pioneer woman –

  • even baking – neutralizes hot spots
  • parchment paper gives cookies something to hold onto – they have feelings too, ya know.
  • eliminates sticking
  • parchment paper allows foods to breathe when wrapped.
  • easy clean up

Side Note Nevers

  • AVOID the cheap alternative that is wax paper – could start a fire. I was never a fan even before I read this.
  • Cooking bags – my mother swears by these whenever she cooks a turkey. Personally, I don’t trust them. I brine my bird, baby.  Also, I love that skin crispy.

After all this unNonsense about cooking, I’m hungry.  Thankfully, my son has returned home for Spring Break. I need to get busy. The kitchen is open!

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