Adam Thomas, RPH

Easter is just a few days away, but I work retail, so the Easter promotional aisle has been set since, like, the day after Valentine’s Day.  Every day I’m bombarded with the seasonal candy offerings.  A good friend of mine actually looks forward to the appropriately shaped Snickers, Reece’s and whatever else manufacturer’s can shape things into to sell every holiday.  I, on the other hand, rarely eat candy.  No, I’m not a freak.   Well, okay, I am a freak, but not because of that.  I ‘ve just never really been a ‘snacker’.  However,  every Easter I purchase the token bag of Brach’s Classic Jelly Beans.   I never really eat the whole bag.  Usually I have a handful, realize how grotesquely sweet they taste and put the remainder in the community candy drawer at the pharmacy.  Then, I’m good for the year.

Face it, jelly beans are as basic as Easter candy can get.  Every company has them – Lifesavers, Skittles, Starburst, Jolly Ranchers.  I think they even have Blow Pop  and/or Tootsie Roll versions.

Why I am ranting about this innocent Easter staple?

I’ll continue.

A few years back, I proceeded to buy the ‘yearly bag’ and noticed that the Brach’s Classic version I had always selected changed.  The word Jelly Beans was replaced with Jelly Bird Eggs.   What’s up with that? What the hell is a Jelly Bird Egg? More importantly,  what the hell did they do to my Jelly Beans?

The answer was simple – absolutely nothing.  They looked the same, tasted the same, and … I even ate the same amount.

So what’s up with the verbiage change?  No idea.  Yes, it taunted me every time I passed the aisle, but after that, I forgot about it.  Until 300 plus days later of course, when  just like Easter it resurfaced.  I’d buy the bag and complain to whomever was around me about the supid jelly bird egg thing, eat the damn candy and call it good.

NOT THIS YEAR

To solve this mystery I went directly to the source.  I e-mailed Brach’s, asking what was up?

Did I sound like a complete dork in that e-mail that even  I would  make fun of? Yes.  Did I get an answer? Yes.

Thank you for contacting Ferrara Candy Company regarding Brach’s® Classic Jelly Bird Eggs. Hearing from our consumers better enables us to continue to provide quality products and services.  Consumer feedback is very important to us, and we appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Our Brach’s Jelly Bird Eggs are basically our seasonal variety of Jelly Beans.  It is simply a way to differentiate between an everyday and a seasonal item.

Now about that Easter Bunny … .

First an anatomy lesson –

The most well-known and prominent abdominal muscle is the rectus abdominis. It is the long, flat muscle that extends vertically between the pubis and the fifth, sixth, and seventh ribs.  A strong tendinous sheath called the “linea alba,”  give the muscle its familiar “washboard” look in very fit athletes – aka ‘the six-pack’.  Yeah, baby.

The next group of muscles that make up the abdominals are the external oblique muscles. This pair of muscle are located on each side of the rectus abdominis. The muscle fibers of the external obliques run diagonally downward and inward from the lower ribs to the pelvis, forming the letter V. You can locate them by putting your hands in your coat pocket.

The deepest layer of abdominal muscles is called the “transversus abdominis.” The transverse abdominal muscle wraps around the torso from front to back and from the ribs to the pelvis. The muscle fibers of the transversus abdominis run horizontally, similar to a corset or a weight belt. This muscle doesn’t help move the spine or the pelvis, but it does help with respiration and breathing.

So why that recap?

First of all, it’s actually kinda’ interesting.  Especially for me.  I work out often and am quite proud of my abs.  Yes, I have a six-pack – year round.  Though, I am forever changing-up the regimen, looking for new exercises.  I do have my ‘go to’ favorites, of course.  One of which is the sit-up.  I do do crucnchies from time to time, but  let’s face it, sit-ups are just more manly.  Even the word ‘crunchie’  is … borderline.  Sounds more like an afternoon snack than a rockin’ hard ab exercise.  Insert manly grunt.

Over the past few years, I’ve had neck / shoulder issues;  an occupational hazard – fuckin’ pharmacy job.  Standing in one place looking down in a very un-ergonomically designed space for hours on end wreaks havoc on any attempt for proper posture.  So, I exercise.  Recently I was told that sit-ups are ‘the worst exercise’ I could do considering ‘my condition’ – fuckin’ pharmacy job.  Fuckin’ condition, too.   Well,  from what I’ve read, neither sit-ups nor crunchies are even that good of exercises to begin with.

I was instructed that plank would be the best exercise for me and my, um, condition.  Plank?! Really? The word corset is in the description of the muscle group –   transversus abdominis – it works.  Rarely do I see men do plank.  Correction, I know they do,  maybe I just don’t pay that close attention.  Maybe they’re, like, closet plankers.  Still … plank?  It is so boring.

Since I am a very open-minded person and considering ‘my condition’, I have decided to give this plank thing a try.  Yes, it is still way boring, but it does fatigue my transversus abdominis  quite well.  I think of it as the Zen of ab exercises.  Besides, I’ve created  variations to ‘man it up’ .  Trust me, my plank exercises are impressive.

Don’t worry, I will never stop the sit-up.  I’ve  just adjusted the neck position in which I execute the exercise.   Fuckin’ condition.

http://www.anmm.gov.au/site/page.cfm?u=1559&contentId=4301&mode=displayPhoto&startRow=17

I’ll keep you guessin’ on what that actually represents.  Though I’m certain that once you begin reading this post, the answer will be obvious.  HINT – there is a color involved.

As most of you know, I love Vanity Fair magazine.  It’s just cool.  A good friend told me that VF highlights ‘interesting people (and topics) you’ve never heard of that make a good read’.  Case in point – the February 2014 issues teased readers with an article on 50 YEARS OF SEX, SAND & SKIMPY BIKINIS.  The author, Rich Cohen, focused his piece on the fiftieth  anniversary issue of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  Cohen did an excellent job.   Though the numerous pictures of past covers AND famous ‘Shots’ distracted from the text numerous times.

HISTORY –

In 1963, Fred Smith came up with the idea of ‘putting a girl in a swimsuit on the cover as a classic solution for the winter blues’.  However, it was in 1964 that the ‘official’ first swimsuit edition rolled out.  A German model by the name of Babette March was the first swimsuit model; the template, so to speak.  It wasn’t until Jule Campbell took the reins in 1965 that the true ‘ genius of the issue’ was apparent.  She was the mastermind until 1996.  Nice job, eh?  Anyway, She took an unknown California beach girl named Sue Peterson to Cabo San Lucas and, well, the rest is history.  In 1974 things ‘changed’.  A simple ‘Shot’ , as it has been referred to since, of Cheryl Tiegs walking the beach in a white fish net one-piece definitely  raised the preverbial  bar of all photos to follow.  She was quoted saying that she still receives requests to autograph that ‘shot’ even today.

In 1997 the first stand-alone Swimsuit issue was revealed.  Prior to that, the swimsuit portion was a 30 page insert to the regular magazine.  The article went on to discuss the locations, the famous body painting, and how being  ‘the cover model’ each year is practically a matter of National Security.

The 2014 issue – yes, I looked through it, okay.  First of all, why wouldn’t I? It’s a tradition that needs to be maintained.  Secondly, I needed to do research for this post, of course.  I’m a writer.  I’m always doing, um, research.

Anyway, the issue had a fun Then and Now feature, spotlighting some of the famous faces or bodies, if you will, that have graced the magazine over the years.  All in all, those girls have aged well.  Though the black /  leather wardrobe theme was … a bit much.

I just can’t close this post without revealing my favorites.  “Every guy has one,” says Cohen.  For me, Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romijn, and Paulina Porizkova always made my heart skip a beat or two.  But  Elle MacPherson is and always will be totally awesome.  There’s a shot of her in the 1990 issue wearing a single-strap one-piece… .  Well,  I’m just speechless.  For those that know me, that rarely happens.

So, let the tradition continue for another fifty years.

Here’s that ‘answer’ link I promised.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ge9Ou3-YyqU

Great Read

 Great book!!      March 20, 2014

By Kim Hines

This review is from: My Life As A Retail Pharmacist – A Fictionalized Memoir (Kindle Edition)

This is a wonderful book! I was engrossed in it from beginning to end. Adam Thomas is such a likeable character, you find yourself cheering for him along the way. For anyone that has ever worked retail this is a must read! I’m hoping to see more books in the future from this author.

  A “Fantastic” Fictionalized Memoir, March 22, 2014

By Maureen Sodin – See all my reviews

This review is from: My Life As A Retail Pharmacist – A Fictionalized Memoir (Kindle Edition)

Great Book! Fast Read! Character that you care about and are anxious to find out the outcome of his situation.

The link below takes you to a fun song.  With such great reviews, one does need to celebrate.  Besides, it’s by a group called  American Authors.  So it is very appropriate.  Though the ‘official’ video for the song is  … otherwise.  This is a music only link.

Enjoy!

Remember always tell two friends. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r28mcaJLUV4

courtesy KH.   Also, thanks for the review – will highlight that in another post.

For now, I choose not to tweet.   Though, I did create a Twitter account recently in a valiant effort to boost sales.  You know, invite all these famous people, hoping to land a ‘celebrity endorsement’ or a ‘what I’m reading now’.  There’s one small problem with that idea – others have to agree to follow you.  So, if you have no followers there is no one to receive the desperate requests to endorse / purchase said product – my book, of course.  Instead the tweets remain in cyber world or at MY inbox.  It’s kind of like those frequent, pleading e-mails to Entertainment Weekly  to add me to their Must List and / or Bullseye.    Bet their trash bin is quite full.

So, I stopped.  Besides, tweeting is actually  a lot of pressure.  Think about it.   Trying to send entertaining tidbits of randomness that people actually want to read numerous times every day can be exhausting.  Ugh! Frankly, I struggle on a regular basis just for topics for this blog, that I’m certain is read by very few.  But for those who do – thank you.  For me, this blog is more cathartic than anything.  Shit at the price for therapy now days, this is definitely cheaper.

Also, I don’t have a cell phone, so  I had to tweet from my computer.  That’s not as fun.  With this tweeting thing, it’s those spur of the moment moments that really capitalize on the moment.  Hopefully that made sense.  Because, once again, forced tweeting from the computer totally kills the spontaneity.

So for now my tweeting days are over, I will remain unfollowed and I will be … content.

I did read this the other day and thought it would be fun to include, especially considering my ‘no phone thing’.   I guess not including her in my initial tweet list was probably a good decision.
Shailene Woodley isn’t your typical Hollywood star, and you definitely won’t be seeing her buried in her cell phone anytime soon. In a recent interview with the Daily Beast, the “Divergent” star said that she — GASP! — doesn’t own a cell phone. The 23-year–old explained, “I’m not a big technology person. I don’t even have a smartphone. I don’t even have a cell phone! And if I were to have one, it would be a flip phone.”

Her decision to be mobile-free came after she realized there’s “a bigger lack of camaraderie and community than there’s ever been.” And since ditching the electronics, Shailene admits the outcome has bettered her communication. “Since I got rid of my phone, [I’m] having to pull over and be like, ‘Hey, buddy — do you know how to get here?’ I’m talking to people more than I’ve ever talked to in my life because I no longer have that crutch,” she explained. “The more you get away from all the technological buzz, the more freedom you have.”

So, this past weekend was the last hurrah, so to speak, for my daughter’s hockey season – a tournament in the frozen tundra that is St. Ignace, MI.  I thought we here in Traverse had I rough.  Wow.  That U.P. is way cold.  Anyway,  it was a great weekend.  The girls did okay.  With a 1 win, 2 loss, 1 tie record they did not make it into the championship game.  However, they did do exceptionally well in the skills competition; a fun addition to the tournament tensions.

I know very little about hockey.  You would think with my Chicago roots, watching the Blackhawks on a regular basis would be a given.  But like I stated in a post a few weeks back – I hate those announcers.  The MUTE button is an option, then I just get bored.  Though I must say, the few games I have watched with my daughter, the announcers have been okay.  We will see.  The play-offs for the NHL are right around the corner.  If my daughter wants me to watch and learn … .  I guess I’ll just ‘puck’ it up and watch some hockey.  The good thing is if she let’s me MUTE, she can be the commentator.

SCORE!

Here’s a link to a game from a few months back.  A dad from the team GoPro’s the games.  The editing is an arduous task, so the latest games aren’t uploaded yet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jIfdySMa3o

By the way we did use MasterCard.  And since I’m still in commercial mode … .

gas:   $3.759/gallon – At 124.5 miles each way, you do the math.

hotel stay:   $241.92

temperature variation:   40  ( -21 low / 19 high)

clogging the hotel toilet three times:   PRICELESS

When I first started writing, I longed to hold that book in my hand.   Every project is a culmination of blood, sweat, and tears or better yet, rewrites, rejects and meltdowns.  Considering the state of the publishing industry and receiving enough rejects to wallpaper my house, I decided to self-publish.  Or e-publish.  Yes, that dream of holding that damn book in my hand escaped me, but only momentarily.  Sometime soon that dream will come to fruition.  Don’t get me wrong, e-publishing IS a great opportunity.  More importantly it gets what you’ve written out there.  Which is the purpose.  Though some do, I do not write for vanity reasons.  I actually want people, especially those I don’t know, TO READ MY BOOKS.  Hell, I just did a promo via this whole Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP) and some 175 units were downloaded.  Granted these were freebees, but the fact remains – 175 people downloaded my book.  Hopefully, they will love it, shower me with five-star reviews and tell everyone they know to buy it.  My life will change – positively, that is – forever.

It can happen, ya’ know.  According to my 2014 annual  horrorscope*, I will rise to rock-star status very soon.   So, be ready. I sure am.

Back to the reason for this post

Recently, I decided to listen to that Robert C. Bradshaw dude and go exclusively with KDP Select.  He may be a bit smarter, but I have the blog.  AND, I’m still better looking.  Anyway, I hesitated for quite some time because I have always loved Barnes and Noble.  When I first started, Barnes and Noble was unbelievably accommodating.  Yes, that was years ago and I have had little contact with the company in recent years.  So when it came time to e-publish, it was only natural to include The Nook.   Then I discovered that KOBO thing I blogged about some 6 months back.  It just seemed right.

Well, sometimes right just doesn’t pay the bills.  Or sell books for that matter.  Upon rethinking the situation and a stupid experience I had with KOBO, I severed the ties and deleted the B & N link on the book cover icon just to the right.  Kudos to those who actually read this and realized ‘something was different’.

The initial sadness wore off when I saw those numbers for that promo day.  Don’t worry there will be a few more.  What I really want is that whole word of mouth thing to happen.  So if those 175 people just tell two friends, then they tell to friends.   Holy shit, you have an iconic 80’s shampoo commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgDxWNV4wWY

*referring to  12-07-2012 post about horoscopes

P.S. – had to include this, too.  Farrah rocks.

https://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=A0LEV1RhLQ9TpGUAQxFXNyoA;_ylc=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–?gprid=SQ1c31fKRGmp5EMUsuFfAA&pvid=3ToakDk4LjFgt2pnUmGuOgqDNjkuMlMPLWH_.Cqo&p=faberge+farrah+fawcett+shampoo+commercial&fr2=sa-gp&fr=yfp-t-901-1-s

A few years back, I worked with a technician that was rather odd.  Well, all the technicians I work with are odd.  This one, though, was way out there.  Be that as it may, we worked well together.  I guess you can read into that all you want about me, of course.  However, I will choose the high road here, focusing on my ability to ‘adapt to varying working conditions’.  After twenty-five fucking years of doing this shit, I’d better be able to adapt or I’m screwed.

Anyway, one day, I think it was a Friday, we were both really ready for the weekend and very slap-happy.  Immediately after opening, we both had our share of ‘interesting’ interactions with customers.  Thankfully, we were both so loopy we shrugged everything off with a chuckle.  Then after a woman made one of us mad, the cuss words started and we laughed even more.

“I think we should end every sentence we say with the word  bitch,” the technician exclaimed as if never before being struck by such an epiphanatic idea..

“Works for me, … bitch,” was all I needed to say.

It was hilarious.  Even better- IT GOT US THROUGH THE DAY!  Sometimes, that’s the only goal.  Granted the majority of the customers that day were women and they were, in fact, all bitches.  The few men who came in were even bitches.  Putting ‘asshole’ at the end of male referenced sentences just didn’t work.  So, bitch it was.

Originally, I categorized this post as a ‘burning question’.  Upon review, I realized that what I wrote wasn’t really a question.  It is more of a “this is how he should’ve responded” or this is what I would’ve said if I WERE BODE MILLER BEING INTERVIEWED BY CHRISTIN COOPER AFTER WINNING BRONZE IN THE SUPER G.

“Shut the fuck up, BITCH.”

Really, what was the point of that interview?  Bode is like, wow, in the dude category.  One Olympics is an accomplishment, but what he has done is beyond amazing.  To be interviewed in such a way after such a monumental triumph… .  Well, it’s just wrong.

Once again – “Shut the fuck up, bitch.”

And what about Andrew Weibrecht,  the poor guy standing next to Bode while the interview was taking place?  He actually won the Silver medal.  Ugh!

Oh well, I’m done ranting for now.  I’m done with the Olympics, too.  Luckily, the closing ceremonies are soon.  I’ve never been a big sports thug.  Now I know why – those announcers just suck.

P.S. – Don’t even get me started on Bob Costas.