Adam Thomas, RPH

Just thought I would set the record straight – it was all me.  I started it.

I am referring to the ‘adulterated’ form of grammar that is used in texting today.   Especially the use or un-use of vowels when messaging.

So technically, I was texting before there was texting and now that there is texting I don’t text.  Ah, the story of my life.

What prompted this epiphany was a marquee of all things.  I was at a traffic signal and this marquee had  the word abt written in the message. It was actually #abt  but who the hell knows what that damn # represents.  None of my children do.  If the pulse of the texting generation doesn’t know, then there’s NO #hope for me.  So, I’m reading this sign and it hits me – writing without vowels.  I started this craze back in my college days.  It’s no comparison to starting something like Napster, of course.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVcteiTOqZo

And, yes, I fell asleep during lectures, especially physics.  And, I drool.  So it wasn’t pretty.

Okay, I’m rambling.  But I really wanted to work in that link.   The  Italian Job  is such a great movie.

So, … .

In college, the pharmacy curriculum was very rigorous.  Back then, we actually took notes during class.  None of this on-line symposium shit or having the lecture material available by the professor.  We were old school.  We went to class, took lots of notes, and then we were tested on the material.  None of which was at our convenience, mind you.  We took tests as a class at a time designated by the professor.

Some class notes were available for specific subjects.  One student was designated to take notes on a certain day.  Then the class notes were copied and distributed to those that participated or paid for the handout.

I, of course, was never asked to be a note taker.  First of all, I was not exactly considered one of those stellar students.  No one wanted my notes.  Besides, my notes were a mess. But, hey, I passed and graduated.  The end goal was achieved.

There were two reasons my notes were as described – a hot mess.  I didn’t use vowels.  Secondly, I worked for IDIS – Iowa Drug Information Service.  IDIS created the diagnostic code system still used today.  The pharmacists on staff would read journal articles, notating what disease state and other necessary information from the article in the margins.  Students – that’s me – would enter the information into a database.  Then it was transferred onto microfilm, remember this was close to thirty years ago, and distributed to subscribers.

Since I was exposed to such a system of  ‘coding’, it made its way into my notes.  For example, V07 meant prophylaxis and V250.0 represented diabetes.  When you are taking notes, prophylaxis is an awful word to write.

Can you see why no one wanted to borrow MY notes?

Oh, well, like I said, I graduated. The process was like my drool – not pretty.  But, it worked.

Here I am living  My  Life  As  A  Retail  Pharmacist.   *

#oh, joy!

*If you haven’t already, please buy that book.  I need some REAL  joy in my nonfictional  life. Okay!?

So, here it is.  My offering of music.  I decided to start big, then maybe go from there.  This is a list of my favorite ALBUMS. To compile just one Soundtrack of Life IS impossible.  There are so many songs that define different times of life.  To hone that into one playlist isn’t justified as far as I’m concerned.  Besides, it stimulates future post ideas.

I am a huge Greatest Hits slug.  Back in the eighties and nineties, numerous bands/artists had so many albums.  I waited for the compilations.  First of all, there were those things called 45’s.  Secondly, it just streamlined the inventory.  Finally, I had little disposable cash.

One criteria I had for the selection process is that no multi disc greatest hits albums were allowed.  There is one exception, though.*

1. St Elmo’s Fire Soundtrack   –  This is my secret yet  sappy college guilty pleasure. It defined my college years.  I still love it today.  
2. James Taylor’s Greatest Hits  –  J.T. is all that.  Recently, he released the first album of new material in thirteen years.  Ironically, it went straight to number 1 on the charts.  Even more ironic, it’s his ONLY number 1 album.   Ever!  Maybe there’s hope for me yet!?
3. Rascal Flat’s Greatest Hits  – So many great songs on this album.  I tolerate country. So individual albums are not an option.  This totally rocks!
4. Queen    Greatest Hits – I travelled close to an hour to get this Limited Edition/Limited Release version back like 1990.  So worth the trip. There have been numerous other so-called greatest hits.  However, this is the ‘definitive’ edition.
5. Taylor Swift    Fearless  AND 1989 –  Sorry for the T. Swift twofer, but she is good.  No one can do teen age or relationship angst better.  She IS what my daughter’s and I listen to on a regular basis.  What’s a dad to do, eh? BTW, My T. Swift guilty pleasure is   “Love Story“. 
7. Supertramp  Breakfast in America   – Breakfast is in the title.  Need I say more. 
8. GoGo’s Beauty and the Beat  – this was High School end of story.  I hated High School, but I love this album.
9. Christopher Cross Christopher Cross   – C. Cross isn’t necessarily a one album wonder by any means.  Though after the initial ‘newness’ wore off he kind of went  ‘Sailing’ – get it? .  This self-titled first album is just nice.   
10. John Boswell Kindred Spirits – I highlighted J.B. once before.   There’s a song entitled  “James and the Giant Peach“.  Cool!

0.333

FUN.     Some Nights – The prelude is totally reminiscent of Queen. They could’ve just sold  this album containing that prelude and the first three songs and no one would’ve questioned the decision.  Think of it as a trifecta of  Fun … . .  The video link is one of my son’s favorites.  I have an album for each of my girls.  This one is all about my son. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_yts

* the exception –

Carly Simon     Clouds in My Coffee 1965-1995  –  C. Simon is a talented musician – she even wrote an opera.  Though sometimes she does do nasty things to vowels.  I really only listen to one of the three discs in the set.  The reason this album is the exception is because I was born in 1965  AND I completed my first novel in 1995.  One last tidbit, Simon IS the Simon in Simon and Schuster – the book publisher.

Any questions?  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHWHPPHpAj8

No, this isn’t the ‘Yet’ I referenced in the previous post.  Really couldn’t do that, especially after watching the ‘Official Video’ for the song.  But C. Simon is highlighted in the next post.  Kind of … .

No, I will not subject any innocent readers to lyrics from Carly Simon’s  “You’re  So  Vain” . Yet.

But, I will talk coffee.  More importantly, my love for coffee and my reoccurring issues with coffee makers.

First coffee –

• I drink half-decaf, half regular in the morning and straight decaf at night.  Though when ordering in a restaurant, some of the wait staff can be pretty stupid.  I was once asked – “In the same cup?” or “Which do you want me to pour in first?”   Unfortunately the sarcastic tone of my -“it doesn’t matter I stir it”, falls flat.  Remember, these people are stupid.  They’re probably medicated.
• I was never a mid-day drinker.  No apparent reasoning there.  Just never happened.  Also, that ice coffee shit is gross as far as I ‘m concerned.
• I drink straight coffee with cream.  I have never had a frappuccino, espresso, or any that frothy foam stuff with ‘a cinnamon dusting’.  Often, fresh decaf is unavailable, especially in the evening.  Pour over or that Americano thing works for me.
• I love hot coffee.  Luke warm coffee that has sat on a burner for hours is completely disgusting.
• I spill coffee all the time, usually on myself … because I’m an idiot.  Luckily, if I dribble down the front of my shirt, my tie covers the stain.
• Here in Traverse, we have some local roasters that do quite an incredible job.  The blend I like the best is Ethiopian and Decaf Moca Java from Good Harbor.  Higher Grounds is also popular.  The coffee from there tends to have more undertones and aftertastes.  Though, they roast a half-decaf/half regular blend appropriately called Gran’s Blend.  It tastes like nuts.  So I don’t drink it.
• Lastly, I hate grinding coffee. Long ago, I received a grinder as a gift.  Then the kids came along.  Once you wake up a child grinding coffee, YOU WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVDOB9mby_w

Coffee Makers –

This is really what prompted this rant.  Contrary to what people may think, I’m a pretty basic guy.  I am not high-maintenance or complicated.  And when I comes to coffee makers, I am even more basic.  All I want in a coffee maker is a fucking ON/OFF switch.  I don’t PROGRAM, AUTO ON or want a grinder inside the damn coffee  maker.  I barely have patience to set the damn clock.  Okay?

I know Mr. Coffee is the most basic machine out there, but even he’s gotten complicated.  Yes,  I have a small four cup machine as reserve back-up.  Unfortunately I’ve needed to use that more often than I’ve wanted because of so many issues with coffee makers in general.  By the way, this whole Keurig one-cup concept is stupid for in-home use.  I drink pots of coffee not dinky-ass cups.  Besides, that plastic cup thing that serves as a filter will be shown to cause cancer or something similar twenty years from now.

I could continue ranting, especially about this whole descaling thing that supposedly ‘cleans’ the coffee maker.  But, I won’t. All I will say is that every time I clean the damn coffee maker, the machine works worse.  How is that? I even read the directions – step by step!

After rereading what I’ve just written, I should probably switch to all decaf.  Or, just add alcohol, eh?

One day, a technician and I were in a ‘mood’.  Luckily, it was the same ‘mood’ for it was silly and way fun.  If it wasn’t, well, … .   That would be completely different post.

Early in the morning, I came across the prescription for none other than Mel himself.

“Melvin V. Humphrey?” I asked. “Who on earth would ever do that to their child?”

It didn’t take much before we were totally grade-schooling it, chronicling what Mel would look like, act like, and what  the hell that ‘V’ represented.  Victor was the unanimous first response.  Then I referenced the link below, comparing Mel to the fictitious Sheldon.  After that we were in full profile mode.  Nothing about poor Mel was sacred.  Secretly, I wanted Mel to be a total stud, getting laid more than men half his age.  Oh, I didn’t want Mel to be a ‘statistic’ in the Villages, FL by any means.  But, I was wanting so much more for Melvin Victor Humphrey.  Unfortunately, neither of us were there when Mel picked up his prescription.  An innocent profiling accomplice was there and contemplated taking a ‘selfie’ of Mel, but didn’t.  #awkward/obvious, eh?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCaO6DNx2RE

Of course, Melvin Victor Humphrey IS  fictitious.

As a writer, I create profiles for every character in the story.  So this was a total blast for me.  Without this ‘profiling’, consistency would suffer.  Then, a character acts out of character and all hell brakes loose.  You, the writer,  have a problem.

I am not the best at traditional character profiling.  Often I get dogged for not outwardly describing characters at the start of the story or upon introduction into the storyline.  Instead, I offer a brief description, then hint at various traits, physical and personality, throughout the course of the story, allowing the reader to actively participate in the profiling.  Sometimes, I’m not sure if that’s the best approach, but I prefer the subtly.

John Grisham is one of my favorite writers.  He even has a teen lawyer series that is quite entertaining.  I hate him.  Anyway, there was a minor character, a bailiff, of all things, in  A  Time  To  Kill , if I remember correctly, who was bribed.  The provocation for the bailiff’s misconduct was the fact that he needed money to pay off his Sears credit card bill.  Not just any credit card bill, but his Sears credit card bill.  Is that amazing profiling or what? I hate him.

Well, that’s my take on this whole profiling thing.  I will continue to strive for characterization excellence.  Though,  Louis L’Amour novels and the ‘tepid’ water are pretty damn good.  It isn’t  John Grisham by any means, but it totally completes Mel’s profile.  Besides, tepid is such a great word.

Full name:             Melvin Victor Humphrey

Hair color:            Gray – touch of ‘pepper’, but very little.  Also, MPB  (horseshoe head) goin’ on.

Height:                   5′ 8″

Weight:                  230lbs – dominant beer belly; full  face

Occupation:          retired accountant

Eye color:              blue – with glasses; thick glasses

Fashion:               Plaid/Hawaiian Shirt, Bermuda shorts, white sock – sandals.  Possible baseball hat/fishing hat – only profile topic debated.

Mannerisms:       sighs heavily – often; soft spoken, yet irritated when asked to repeat something

Marital status:    divorced – happened later in life when children (2) were grown.  Ex-wife happily living in The Villages, FL.

Hobbies:             wants to enjoy water activities – boating, fishing, etc – and golf, but does neither. He’s too cheap to spend his money. Remember, he was an accountant.  Instead, he sits on his deck, reading Louis L’Amour novels feet inside a blow up pool filled with tepid water.  By the way, those trusty  socks and sandals are within arms reach.

Medical History: High Blood Pressure, Seasonal allergies, borderline diabetes

Pharmacy:           Where else? I AM his favorite pharmacist, of course.  (note: sarcastic tone)

Let me start by qualifying one thing – a woman wrote this article AND a female friend brought it to my attention.

That being said, I wonder which gender actually swears more often.  I’m thinkin’ it’s the bitches.  Furthermore, woman pull it off better.  When a man curses, he is ‘vulgar’ and ‘distasteful’.  A woman can shoot her mouth off and … it usually works.  Yes, the spoken words  may be inappropriate, but it’s not as formidable.  Once a man is pegged an asshole there ain’t nothing that will control that damage.

Also, this post is not intended to stir the battle of the sexes pot by any means.  I am just making an observation.  And given the link below,  I’m thinkin’ I’m on to something.

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/reasons-cursing-is-good-for-the-soul/879294/

Below is a brief recap of that article.  Trust me, you will want to click that link because the visuals are really all that.  It channels the Real Housewives of every county and more.

Studies have actually proved that swearing relieves pain! And isn’t that the goal of your little emotional outbursts? It can be quite cathartic.

• It makes you feel less pain.

But Richard Stephens of Keele University in England led a study that measured how long 67 college students could keep their hands submerged in ice water.  The group of students was encouraged to yell profanities for one controlled testing, and then to use non-swear words while completing the same test.  The 67 volunteers endured the cold temperatures for 40 seconds longer while screaming obscenities. This group also stated that it felt less pain overall. Stephens even went so far as to say, “I would advise people, if they hurt themselves, to swear.” The clinical term for this? The hypoalgesic effect of swearing.

• It helps you feel much more resilient.
• It serves as a great coping mechanism.
• It helps you emphasize your point.
• It makes you feel so much f*cking better.

“Therapy helps, but screaming and cursing is so much cheaper.”   (direct quote.  Correction,  direct tweet)

• It helps to create closer bonds with people.

Once again a woman is pictured.  This time it’s Disney’s Snow White blowing a kiss to her BFF.  By the way, there’s a speech bubble.

• It’s innate and expressive.

Timothy Jay, a psychologist at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts has spent the last 35 years studying the use of profanities. His view on the subject matter? “It allows us to vent or express anger, joy, surprise, happiness. It’s like the horn on your car, you can do a lot of things with that, it’s built into you.”

Swearing and retail pharmacy go hand in hand. Saying, or even pretending to say,  “Shut the fuck up!”  always puts a smile on my face.  And, yes, I do feel better afterword.

Lately, damage control is my life.  Ironically enough, I’m not even the one doin’ the damn damage.  So, it is very frustrating.  I mean, you would think it would be me.  From past experience, and for those that know me, my directness can be somewhat abrasive.  Thankfully, my friends and colleagues  know this and do not take anything I say offensively.  With me, there is no out-of-context.

Don’t get me wrong, I still get into shitloads of trouble.  Just my existence gets me into trouble.  But, I can handle that.  The damage control for the things I do, once again, believe or not, is relatively easy.  Especially at work when those teeny, little white lies start… .  I AM that good!

However, doin’ damage control when I ain’t doin’ the damage is getting old.  I could give examples, but I would really get into trouble.  Remember this IS the written word, posted for all to read.  If I recall Sony had a similar problem a few months back.  But that was e-mails.   Still … .

Instead, I consulted a ‘reference’ – I use that term loosely.  The Urban Dictionary is an internet sensation with contents that my youngest would consider ‘sketch’ .  Actually, I think everyone considers it sketch.  However, it’s really funny, sometimes gross, but wildly creative.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

So, what  DOES the Urban Dictionary say about Damage Control?

top definition – an attempt made to correct or rectify a situation that went wrong

Thankfully, I picked a lame word.  With some of the other entries, this is not the case.  However, to spice it up a bit this ‘reference’ adds random words to each definition.  There are 20 words related to each entry, which in my case, is  damage control.

Here are a few that are truely related:

• propaganda – when a government says one thing to intentionally get the public to believe something that is mostly lies
• BS – bullshit, duh
• bullshit – a blatant lie, a fragrant untruth, an obvious fallacy
•                – or, the excrement of cattle
• greenwashing – when companies pretend to be environmentally friendly when, n fact, they are not
• exercise – doing shit at the gym
• spinoculation – a type of damage control  industry, public relations or political lobbying , where by the public is “inoculated” against  the inevitable release of information which is potentially threatening … .  Blah, blah, blah

Last, but definitely not least:

• fuckbuddy – All the benefits of being in a relationship minus the bullshit like not doing enough for Valentine’s Day or her birthday, not spending 3 months salary on a stupid ring, and not spending enough quality time with her.

The definition of that word has damage written all over it.  Thankfully, that one is beyond my control.

Time frozen in memory still,

never empty, my heart fill.

A few weeks back a letter arrived in the mail.  It was written by my son to himself when he was in fifth grade.  It was a class ‘time capsule type’ project.  The teacher – who totally rocks, by the way- saved each letter for nine years then distributed them to the appropriate student a few weeks before graduation from High School.  Cool idea, eh?

The contents were trivial, of course.  What fifth grader really knows what to write to himself/herself at that time for future amusement? After reading the letter, my son laughed, got in the car and went to the grade school to thank the teacher.  What a good kid.  How many other students did that?

To answer a few obvious questions – yes, my son IS graduating from High School shortly, I foreshadow us failing miserably at his party, and I think I’m going to be a mess.

That’s parenting, I guess; watching them grow, feeling like you’re failing miserably.  The being a mess part just comes with the whole experience.  Especially for me,  I have a tendency to be emotionally unstable from time to time, especially when my children are involved.

About the graduation party … .  Yeah, that should be fun.  I couldn’t even get sending the announcements right.  Note to self when the next child graduates: Inner Envelope – DO NOT ADDRESS actually means something.  Licking an envelope that doesn’t have adhesive leaves a nasty, unsightly  stain.  So if anyone received one of those – I’m sorry, okay?!

I wanted so much more for this post.  Attempting to summarize eighteen years leading up to High School graduation is … impossible.  If you think about it, why even attempt such a task.  Instead, I will close with a popular video that really makes no sense.  The lyrics just do not fit the video content.  Ironically, it’s that concept that works well for me here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TE_Ys4iwM

Recently, I’ve realized that my ass has gone a bit … soft.  My ‘buns of steel’ have un-galvanized, corroding into some other substance that I’m not very happy about, okay.  I used to pride myself in having such an ass-et.  That was a joke by the way; as is this entire post.  Butt, it’s already out there.  So I’m just gunna go with it.

First some background info on muscles AND aging.

• Muscles take longer to respond to brain signals in your 50s than they did in your 20s.  Furthermore, your muscles can’t repair themselves as quickly as they used to, due to a decrease in enzyme activities and protein turnover.

Damn enzymes!

• The water content of tendons (the cord-like tissues that attach muscles to bones) decreases as you age. This change makes the tissues stiffer and less able to tolerate stress.
• Age-related muscle loss is also called sarcopenia, which means “vanishing flesh.”

This sounds more like a phenomenon/scenario in a Stephen King story than an ailment.  Regardless, it sounds gross.  Though some of that flabby flesh on my ass could vanish and I would be fine with that.

• Changes start as early as your 30s, but most people see the biggest changes between their 40s and 50s.  On average, people lose about 30 percent of their strength between ages 50 and 70, and another 30 percent of what’s left per decade after that. Generally, people lose about 1 percent of their lean muscle mass per year after age 40.

Well, that just sucks.

So now what?

I researched solutions. The search results were abundant.  Moreover, the amount of useless information almost distracted from the useful information.  So, I decided to interpret what I’ve read.  Wow, that should make for an interesting read, eh?

•  Behavior modification

Eating turtle cheesecake at 9:30pm is probably a behavior I should modify.  Also, portion control is huge.  Well, it shouldn’t be huge portions, but it should be a huge concept.  Luckily, this has become a natural progression for me.  The cheesecake thing hasn’t progressed as well, but … .  I AM trying to modify.  How does 7:30pm sound instead?

• Workout modification

Recently, I was instructed to always engage the buttocks especially during leg exercises.  When this is done, the abs are naturally included, stabilizing, while strengthening the core.  Always push through the heels to complete the movement.  Less weight, increased reps and increased holding time for each rep tones muscle more efficiently.

• Reality modification

I realize there is no modification to reality.  However, understanding, then changing negative habits appropriately may aide in acceptance of such things.  Therefore, change is inevitable. Fuck that!  This is not intended to be a motivation post in any way.  Furthermore, I ain’t acceptin’ nothin’.  My goal before I turn fifty is to re-galvanize this ass of mine.  Insert manly grunt.

Break out the Butt-Buster, baby!

The link below is from THE ORIGINAL Buns of Steel series.  Spoiler alert  – it’s really creepy, dated, and … just creepy.  Don’t even get me started on Spandex.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRfdKA7jIzs