Adam Thomas, RPH

Traverse City encourages bicycle riding. Oryana, a local co-op grocery store, gives a discount to patrons who walk or ride their bike to the establishment.  The surrounding counties offer countless roads that continue for miles, inviting even the most novice cyclist. In both cases, these enthusiasts are conscious riders who know what they are doing – OBEYING the Rules and SHARING the Road.

Unfortunately, this post is NOT dedicated to them. Instead, I direct my words to the casual assholes that neglect every law, swerving between   cars and trucks that could easily make them roadkill.  What’s worse – they don’t care.  Moreover, these cydiots* are not the ‘goodwill ambassadors’ avid cyclists encourage.  Oh, don’t even get me started on those fudge fucked tourists that rent bikes at their hotel.

Breathe.

Rather than continuing on a tyrannical rant, I decided to offer guidance to these ‘compromised’ individuals.  I realize it’s probably pointless.  These morons can’t even read traffic signals.  So, a post about cycling ‘Do’s and Don’ts‘ is mute.  But I promise it will be fun.  At their expense, of course.

FOLLOW THE LAW
Cyclists have the same rights and responsibilities as drivers. Obey traffic signals and stop signs. Ride with traffic; use the rightmost lane headed in the direction you are going.  Bicyclists can be held liable in traffic mishaps.  The long arm of the law will clothesline these cydiot fuck ups.  Justice prevails.

BE PREDICTABLE
Make intentions clear to everyone on the road. Ride in a straight line and don’t swerve between parked cars. Signal turns, and check behind you well before turning or changing lanes.  Here in the primary reason there is rage against cyclists.

BE CONSPICUOUS
Ride where people can see you and wear bright clothing. Use a front white light, red rear light and reflectors when visibility is poor. Make eye contact with others and don’t ride on sidewalks.  Normally, I avoid eye contact.  It’s a work hazard.  Once eye contact is established, you’re committed.  For me, that’s never a good thing. 

THINK AHEAD
Anticipate what drivers, pedestrians, and other people on bikes will do next. Watch for turning vehicles and ride outside the door zone of parked cars. Look out for debris, potholes, and other road hazards. Cross railroad tracks at right angles.  You have to have AND use a brain to ‘think ahead’.  The majority of these riders lack both. 

RIDE READY
Check your tires, brakes, chain, and that quick release levers are closed. Carry tools and supplies that are appropriate for your ride. Wear a helmet.  A helmet is also necessary in road side altercations as well.  Sucks for them – I aim for the balls.  Hell, those things are probably numb anyway. 

I have never been a big bike rider.  Those seats really don’t work for me.  It’s a good thing, though.  I’m an angry driver.  Could you imagine what kind of cyclist I’d be?  Hmm … .  Scary.  Furthermore, My Life is so loved in the Retail Pharmacy community, a ‘rage’ fueled altercation  against me would never occur. (sarcasm intended)

wanna ‘race’?

*cydiots – cycling idiots

the pre-pee

Six months back, I introduced my blog to Mead and decided to highlight other beverages throughout the year.  Traverse City and the surrounding area love to ferment, brew, and stomp on anything and everything they can to produce spirited libations to make people ‘hoppy’.  Then I realized the vast amount of information and varieties of beer and wine.  Mead was easy to present.  Beer and wine – not so much.

Because I am a pretty basic dude, I wanted to showcase beer in a similar fashion.  Otherwise, anyone who read this post would be reaching for a cold brewski just to get through it.  That is not my intention.  So, here is beer, presented in simplistic glory.

the big  pitcher

All beers are either lagers or ales, and that’s determined by the type of yeast used during the fermentation process. Lagers are made with yeast that ferments at the bottom of the beer mixture (Saccharomyces uvarum), and ales are made with yeast that ferments at the top (Saccharomyces cerevisiae). There are also spontaneously fermenting yeasts, which make wild or sour ales.

Once you’ve figured out if your beer is a lager or an ale, there is further differentiation determined by the flavor, color, and aroma of the beer. These determine what style family a given beer falls into. Within that style family, there are varieties, which have even more distinct characteristics.

It all began in the Middle Ages when Bavarian brewers discovered that their beer continued to ferment while being stored in cold ice-caves during the winter. The result was a greatly improved, very smooth, mellow tasting brew. They would brew in late fall and store the beer, covered with ice harvested from nearby lakes and rivers, until early spring. They called it lager beer because of the long storage period. After a few wars and prohibitions, lite beer, dry beer and ice beer became popular due to the decreased alcohol content.  The lager beer revolution had reached its ultimate end-point.  Beer drinkers were NOT hoppy enough.  Ale was revisited and microbreweries found just what beer drinkers needed: beer with flavor and character. They  had come a full circle.

the draft difference 

• both are fermented from grain
• cerevisiae is the most common type of yeast that has been around since Babylonian time
• main difference is the temperature of the fermentation – chemical reactions happen more slowly at lower temps which slowed the fermentation process yielding ‘aged’ product
• ale – greater tolerance to alcohol = stronger beer; hoppy and heavy
• lager – ability to ferment sugar melibose = more sugar remnant; lighter, crisp flavor

http://allaboutbeer.com/article/lager-beer-vs-ale-beer%E2%80%94does-it-matter/

my final call

I AM a lager dude –  Stella Artois to be exact.  Stella was my grandmother’s name, so it kinda stuck.  And,  Stella is light and refreshing, so that kinda stuck, too. I’m really not a beer drinker, though. Thus another reason I hesitated with this post.  Once the information is broken down to the basics, it’s not that overwhelming.  Now the only real question is where the hell did CollegeHumor come up with some of those beer slang words. Pre-pee? Guttorade?

I decided to close this post by raising my glass with  Cheers  to a famous beer lover.

“Norm”

bottoms up!

Originally, I was going to incorporate this ‘thought’ into the previous musing.  Then realized it was too cumbersome of an idea.  It deserved its own post.  Besides, the underlining tone would’ve totally offset the humor of my ‘hoody moment.  For this read is about everyone else in the neighborhood who’s NOT having an exchange student leaving sale.  You know, those neighbors who truly do have the manicured lawns with every creature comfort the Joneses own.  And, one more, of course. 

The song Pleasant Valley Sunday came to mind the other day. Unfortunately, the damn tune just wouldn’t go away.  Carole King wrote the music and the version of which  I am familiar.  The Monkees made it famous.  The song is a salute, so to speak, to suburbia.  And, the illusion of what that living is ‘about’ in all of its misconstrued satirical grandeur. Some people really need the assurance that every Sunday will be … pleasant.  And, the answer to inquiries about personal business  is a cliched salutation of well being.

The facade that everything in a perfectly manicured lawn is perfect isn’t necessarily the case.  If it is, good for them.  More often than not, imperfections are hidden in various closets around the house. Go to the local pharmacy and see who’s walking out with an arsenal of prescription medications. Then we’ll really have something to talk about, eh? I’m not saying my neighbor with the stove is perfect by any means. Let’s not even go there.  But, he … tries.  Even if those efforts are a bit misguided.

A few posts back I promised that everything would be hoppy. And it will be – very soon.  I got distracted.  A stove appeared in front of my neighbor’s garage…. .  What is a blogger to do? Quality material is sometimes hard to come by.  A stove covered in an ugly as fuck brown tarp AND Carole King are inspirational to random nonsensical writers like myself.

Since this illusion is way bigger than I could ever address in a single post.  I created my MasterCard moment. Poking fun at that fucking Jeep is so much more fun than psychoanalyzing the functionality of suburbia.  Nowadays, there is no ‘normal’. And those Joneses have no fucking clue what they are doing.  Hell, they probably have more debt than I do.  Hmm... , probably not.

Well, I’m unsure whether this rambling was philosophical or just phil o shit.  Regardless, I’m done.  I need to …  cut the grass.

Creature comforts can be … pleasant?

number of days a stove has been IN FRONT of my neighbor’s garage:    23

number of jacks used to support a Jeep Wrangler  waiting for a ‘break job’  on a different driveway:    3

number of ‘exchange student leaving’  sales:    1

being thankful that I am NOT part of our neighborhood watch:    priceless

Neighborhood Watch trailer

Let me qualify something before I continue.  My neighborhood is NOT that trashy.  Actually, it’s quite the opposite.  The location is ideal. Numerous schools are within walking distance and it’s relatively close to town.  The home values continue to rise at a healthy rate. But, then again,  every neighborhood has its …. moments.

Now about that stove / range oven, … .

Well, it’s white AND covered in an ugly as fuck brown tarp.  The reason it’s IN FRONT  of the garage rather than IN the garage is because – yep, you guessed it – it won’t fit.  Thankfully, the garage door doesn’t open either. Ironically enough, I live in an ‘association’ and pay biannual dues. In the bylaws,  a boat or RV  cannot be parked on your drive for an extended period of time.  Hmm, … . I wonder if there is a time limit on stoves?

I forgot to mention two very important, yet concerning details.  My neighbor IS the president of the association. Oh, snap! AND, the ugly as fuck tarp is held in place by a bungee cord.

The Jeep Wrangler supported by 3 jacks hasn’t been there for 23 days, but it seems like it.  The house is situated on the top of the hill around a curve in the main entrance to the subdivision.  The Jeep is perfectly centered in the middle of the half-moon driveway.  You really can’t miss it.  You round that corner and – BAM.  There it is in all its mechanically challenged glory. I’m not thinkin’ that’s in the bylaws either. Maybe I should ask my neighbor?

Spring is the time for garage sales.  And, let me tell you, suburbia knows how to do garage sales. By the way, I will never have another garage sale.  My wife had one under my protest. Once.  Her ROI was marginal, to say the least.  Imagine that. Leave it to my ‘hood to have a different kind of garage sale though.  An ‘exchange student leaving‘ sale is … rather odd.  First of all, I would think exchange students travel relatively light.  Second, wouldn’t they take their stuff with them when they leave?  Hmm… . Oh, the sign advertising this ‘sale’ was written on a cardboard box in black Sharpie and attached to the mailbox with a bungee cord.

I can’t make this shit up, okay.

Lastly, my neighborhood does NOT have a designated ‘watch’. Thankfully.  We do have an association. Not thankfully.  I have never been asked and will never  be a board member.  My neighborhood will survive.  And, oddly enough, the home values will continue to rise.  So much for manicured lawns and creature comforts.  Hell, I live next to a house with a stove wrapped in an ugly as fuck brown tarp attchaed by bungee cords. Go figure.

Only in this ‘hood, mang. Only in this ‘hood.

J Mraz IS ‘your’ neighbor

A few weeks back, I posted that morel mushrooms and asparagus are totally in season and being used to create foodie masterpieces by local chefs – professional and self-proclaimed.  Unfortunately, I forgot another vegetable that has a more limited life span and  not as much exposure as its culinary counterparts.  I was reminded of this coveted seasonal treat when Jake the bald Butcher with the bad buzz on barbers displayed packages of said vegetable by the register.

Ramps are a wild onion that grow during the spring in Eastern Canada and the U.S. They’re sometimes referred to as wild leeks, and taste like a balanced mixture of garlic and onion.

Though ramps are a relatively recent food fad, they’ve been around and enjoyed for centuries. They were originally foraged by Cherokees, and have been a staple spring ingredient in Appalachian kitchens for decades. In Richwood, West Virginia, where they grow prolifically, a local festival has been dedicated to ramps since 1940.  Some folks find ramps absolutely delicious —

• so delicious that civilized people have fought over the last few bunches at farmers’ markets.
• So desired that they’ve monopolized the spring menus of top New York City chefs.
• So coveted that they’ve inspired tattoos.
• So scare the wild plant grows very slowly, taking up to four years to flower and reproduce.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/24/what-are-ramps_n_7128438.html

So, how did I become exposed to these culinary bad boys?

First let me comment on the above ‘so‘ statements before I continue.  And, yes, the format was ‘so‘ written that way in the referenced article.

• I would so win any ‘conflict’ at a farmers’ market.  Bring it on, bitch!
• I would never sport a ramp tattoo. So, there.
• I don’t have the patience to wait four fucking years for a damn vegetable to mature.  So, fuck it.
• I think the term bad boy is so stupid.  It’s kind of an inside joke, though.  Be that as it may, ramps really do rock.

I was eating lunch at a downtown restaurant and a ramp inspired dish was on special.  In my ignorance, I asked the obvious question- “what is a ramp?” The owner / chef was in ear shot, stopped in mid-chop and approached our table.  Not only did she answer my question thoroughly and completely, I ordered the special and left the establishment with a bunch of ramps fresh from her property in hand.  She didn’t even charge me for them. Later that same day, I ‘ramped’ up the flavor profile of my turkey rice soup. Tasty!

Note: Do NOT  discard the leafy green part – finely chop it and add garlic, olive oil etc.

Presto!

That should probably be – Pesto! but … .  Probably not.

Ramp Pesto

In 1896, pharmacist James P. Whitters set out to formulate a soothing nasal wash designed to deliver benefits beyond what standard saline solutions could provide without including the high levels of alcohol found in other products of the time.

http://www.alkalolcompany.com/about-us/#.WRbssGjyvIU

I have had allergies my whole life.  Relocating to Northern Michigan probably wasn’t the best idea. I truly believe I’m allergic to the entire state.  Oh well,  I ain’t movin’ any time soon.  So, I’s gots to deal. To be perfectly honest, I’ve been doing rather well  the last few years.  The transitional months – April/May then October/November haven’t even been that awful.  Thankfully,  I avoided the doctor and the gambit of antibiotics that start with a vowel.

Until 2017.

I’ve mentioned numerous times how deleting 2017 in it’s entirety would be fine with me.  Remember, I was on an antibiotic for over forty days and it wasn’t even March.  Yes, it began with a vowel. Ugh! Moreover, May has been the worst month yet for my sinuses especially the pressure.

Awhile back, this whole Neti Pot saline rinse product became the ‘thing’ to do.  I hesitated. The concept seemed plausible, but I  just couldn’t wrap my brain around how using a damn teapot to flush your nose could work.  What a mess.  Besides, a normal saline solution never seemed to work for my schnoz.  Then, my doctor introduced me to ALKALOL and I decided to give it a try.  He suggested I use a nasal aspirator/squeeze bottle as opposed to that messy contraption shit thing.  Good news – It worked.  ALKALOL is amazingly refreshing.

I closed the previous post with my promise that this entry would be a bit more positively charged.  I realize talking doctors office, antibiotics, and sinus issues are not the happiest of topics to discuss.  But, ALKALOL is. Really.  Just squirt that shit up the nose and those sinuses are free to breathe again. What can be more optimistic than that?

Well, probably a lot of things.  However, I did make the effort to take the high road even when talking shop.  Furthermore, I didn’t use the word ‘hate’ once in this post.

To close, I chose a nose related movie clip from Roxanne that is just fun.  The entire movie is comic genius which made it really, really hard to choose just one.

twenty something betters

Since I’m working on my timing, a post about Spring allergies in May  is quite appropriate.  And, I promise to ramp things up even more in the next post.  After that, everything will be … hoppy?

I hate weeds.

In fact, I spent over an hour and a half Saturday afternoon pulling the damn things from my lawn.  It was oddly therapeutic, though.  And, that ‘snap’ that I heard when I got the root just right … .  Quite satisfying.  Hmm… .  I still  hate weeds.  Last summer, I was inspired by dandelions to pen a post.  But my timing was off – always is.  When the idea actually formed into a reasonable draft,  it was almost fall.  You see, I was trying to be too metaphorically about the ‘concept’, attempting to correlate weeds and negative thoughts into unrambling, yet still random nonsense.  Ugh!  Fuck that shit.  That was (trying to be) Zen, this is now.

I hate weeds.

Here are some interesting facts about the dandelion flower:

• The dandelion is the only flower that represents the 3 celestial bodies of the sun, moon and stars. The yellow flower resembles the sun, the puff ball resembles the moon and the dispersing seeds resemble the stars.  This is exactly why I didn’t want to be ‘metaphorical’; so blatantly obvious, yet rhetorically special don’t you think.  (sarcasm intended on the ‘rhetorically special’ part, of course). No doubt  a woman probably wrote this factoid. 

• The dandelion flower opens to greet the morning and closes in the evening to go to sleep.  So fucking adorable, isn’t it?  I think a children’s book about a dandelion with allergies is a great idea.  (more sarcasm)

• Every part of the dandelion is useful: root, leaves, flower. It can be used for food, medicine and dye for coloring.  In my opinion, nothing about a dandelion is useful. 

• Up until the 1800’s,  people would pull grass out of their lawns to make room for dandelions and other useful “weeds” like chickweed, malva, and chamomile.  My neighbor does this.  Weirdo.   I’ve often thought he was from another … era.  Or planet, for that matter.

• Dandelions have one of the longest flowering seasons of any plant.   Of course they do.  My tulips only bloom for, like,  5 days.  If that.  These damn things last for, like, ever.

• Seeds are often carried as many as 5 miles from their origin.  Fortunately, seeds don’t have to travel too far to reach my lawn.  Location, location, location, eh? Ugh!

before the Stones really started Rolling

I feel somewhat bad that I presented two negatively  charged posts back to back.  In my defense, they are both  … kinda funny. Please be a bit forgiving when reading, okay?  I promise to be more positive in the next post.  As a matter of fact, I will close with a not so wise, not even close to being Chinese,  ‘proverb’ to ponder.

Few weeds a healthy lawn has

                            – modern weedman  observation 

Fuck it – I hate weeds.

postal ornithology 

House Hunters on HGTV presents a person, couple or family looking to buy a ‘house’ in a specific area.  A local realtor is assigned and provides the party with three properties from which one is chosen.  Before the ‘hunt’ begins, the realtor meets with each party to discuss specific parameters for the new property.

A few years back, an engaged couple were looking to move out of separate apartments into a house in the suburbs.  One specific demand of this couple, the woman, inspired this post.  She stated emphatically that she did not want a house that had trees near the master bedroom window.  When asked her reasoning, she said, “I like to sleep with the windows open.  But I hate chirping birds. The noise disrupts my sleep.”

Okay, then.  Quite frankly, I think a lot of things bothered this woman.  However, since that comment, I notice chirping birds now more than ever; especially in the morning. Thanks a lot, bitch. No, I would never let such a petty annoyance influence my decision making when buying a house.  But I would write a post about the transference of ‘hate’ from other people.  Then, include  who’s to blame for said ‘influence’ and some witty commentary, of course.

the pecking order

1. birds chirping – once again – thanks a lot, bitch.  Shut the chirp up!
2. umbilical ‘snots’ attached to the yolk in eggs – I blame a neighbor for this one.  Ever since her comment about how gross these things were, I can’t even look at them.  Pick ’em out every time; even when baking.
3. unjustified margins – High School English teacher – SKI Magazine is notorious for this, … this publishing faux pas.  I almost cancelled my subscription.  It’s such a travesty. 
4. men with mustaches- Two of my co-workers are convinced all men with mustaches are evil douche bags. Entertainment Weekly once stated that only Tom Selleck and 70’s porn stars can rock a ‘stache.   Both parties are correct – mustaches are totally gross and men who sport them really are douche bags.  Except for Tom Selleck and 70’s porn stars, that is.
5. pet prescriptions – my partner in pharmaceutical crime – yes, numerous pets are medicated.  Some even take the SAME prescription as their owner.  Twisted shit, man.  Still, never thought twice about this topic until my friend vocalized her annoyance.  Now, I’m a hater, too.
6. crust on bread – my children – result of making thousands of sandwiches over the years.  Crust is especially crusty when toasted.
7. I hate people – occupational  hazard. Who’s to blame ? Any one who has ever stepped foot into a retail pharmacy. 

leaving the nest

There are more of course; always are.  However, if I continue, it could get … stale.  Which reminds me. I throw all of my discarded crust in the backyard for the birds to eat.  I guess my transferred hate isn’t too deeply rooted. However, if one of those damn birds starts chirping for more … .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGV4hxhxW8o

Haters gotta hate!

Apparently, the ‘sign lady’ responsible for the marquee creations at the corner gas station/convenience store is ill.  At  least that’s what I gathered when I read  the titled wish with an added we’re thinking of you.  If she isn’t under the weather, I’m sure there’s going to be hell to pay.  I’m not thinking anyone would mess around with her.  If she’s like anything she ‘writes’ about,  she’s one tough woman.

To facilitate her recovery, I decided to pen yet another post inspired by her pearls of wisdom.  Well, her’s and other marquees around town.  To be perfectly honest, I seriously doubt she even reads this blog.  Let alone gives two shits about what I have to say.  Still, I think it’s time.  I haven’t had a post such as this in awhile.  Added bonus, I’ve decided to pair each with a musical selection.  Think of it as a trifecta of tributes to marquee meanderings.

I mushroom hunt because I have no morels

 Morchella, the true morels, is a genus of edible sac fungi closely related to anatomically simpler cup fungi in the order Pezizales (division Ascomycota). These distinctive fungi have a honeycomb appearance, due to the network of ridges with pits composing their cap.

Before I moved to Traverse City, I had never heard of a morel mushroom. I’m not a fan of mushrooms. So my ignorance to anything related to mushrooms wasn’t unusual. I must say, these people take their morels seriously.  Don’t even get me started on that whole mushroom hunting concept.  After fifteen years, I’m still a morel hold out.  But, if you’re talking vegetable… .  Asparagus season is right around the corner.  I ordered tempura style asparagus at a restaurant a few  years back and it was amazing. For me, it’s stalks over spores, baby.

nature – the Samples

Beer as cold as yer ex’s heart, but no bitter aftertaste

 This was sign lady’s last words – well, before she took ill, that is.  And, what a good one, eh?  So profound, yet applicable to relationahips.  Pretty much everyone who walks into her establishment exists with beer.  So, I’m thinking it’s cold.  As far as ‘yer ex’s heart’ – I’m thinking everyone who walks out with beer in tow has most likely had an ex who’s heart was just as, if not colder.  Brrr… .

cold as ice – foreigner

 I run like the winded

I started running again.  Let me qualify that, I’ve including running segments into my cardio sessions. Though, I’m not sure if you can qualify what I do as running.  Regardless, I go outside and exercise.  Considering I have that hip thing goin down, this should really read  I run like the wounded.

ride like the wind – C. Cross

Warm wishes (and cold beer) for a speedy recovery!

Being a pharmacist, I hear more than my share from customers about their irregularity issues.

Being a father, I’ve heard more than my share of childhood pooping issues.

Being a blogger, I feel the need to share the fact that taking a shit IS a known issue and at least ONE available resource is working on it.

If you aren’t squatting, you’re doing it wrong!

Squatty Potty is the original toilet stool that helps you squat to poop. Squatting unkinks the colon making elimination faster and easier. The Squatty Potty is available in a variety of sizes and styles, so you can find the stool that is right for you.

Isn’t it time you enhance your entire bathroom experience?

Make sure to grab some Unicorn Gold toilet spray. Made with real gold, it’s non-toxic formula will make your bathroom smell like a freshly fallen rainbow. Finally, you can get the clean you deserve with our easy to install Refresh-it bidet attachment. Don’t forget to check out our tee shirts, unicorn plush toy and other merchandise.

If you’re a human who poops from your butt, then the Squatty Potty is guaranteed to give you the best poop of your life.

https://www.squattypotty.com/?gclid=CJS1irb-o9MCFQEPaQodktoF9Q

 Now that my kids are grown, you would think the topic of anything remotely related to the bathroom would be totally off limits.  Spoiler alert: it isn’t – not even for my wife.  Unfortunately. Neither is that website – T-shirts and stuffed animals?  Shit,man. (pun intended)  And, the whole Unicorn Gold toilet spray … .  It’s all a bit much for me.

Personally, I have never heard about this ‘bathroom aide’ until my daughter received a Squatty Potty as a birthday present from a friend. Once again, yes, you read that correctly.  She received a Squatty Potty as a birthday present.  Remember these are teen aged girls.  Their sense of humor can be … awkward, to say the least.  But, there are alot more topics that would garner concern from a parental standpoint.  So,  I’m good.

I still have that hip issue.  This Squatty Potty thing is not for me.  Besides, I’m a dude.  Generally,  we don’t talk about THIS bodily function openly.  Now, if you want to talk belching and/or farting,  I can definitely hold my own.  Otherwise, I’ll save my potty talk for those constipated pharmacy customers.

Time to … flush?!