Adam Thomas, RPH

No, but more on that in a few.

Though my book  My  Life  As A  Retail  Pharmacist  –  A  Fictionalized  Memoir is of course.  So just click on that book jacket icon to the right.  Yes, it is that simple.  In fact buy two – it makes a great gift.

Now back to that cooking sherry.

My son is a huge Batman fan.  His favorite villain is the Joker, especially  Heath Ledger’s portrayal.  Don’t worry.  We’ve had numerous discussions on the true definition of  ‘accidental overdose’.   However that IS NOT  the topic of this post.

A few months back he stumbled across the College Humor website and the Batman spoofs.  Fortunately he shared them with me.  These are hilarious.

Hope you enjoy them as much as we do.

Just a little Cyber Monday fun!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6611293/batman-interrogation

• You do not shave in November.
• You DO NOT shave in November.
• If you shave, you are out.
• No trimming, no waxing.
• No shaving can go on as long as you want it to.

• Be part of the “in” crowd by doing what all the cool kids are doing.
• Real women like real men.
• Save money on shaving cream, razors and other accoutrement
• Save time getting ready in the morning.

*****

Yes, trying to rationalize growing a beard to support testicular cancer is certainly noble.  Though I’m certain the majority of men doing so have no insight on the origin.  Case in point – I asked an acquaintance growing a beard his reason.  “So when I slay my deer, the blood doesn’t get on my face.”  I actually think he grunted, but I’m not certain.  We were at the gym so grunting is often heard.

Think about it.  We as men can do little to change our appearance.  Rarely does my wife even notice when I get my hair cut.  Granted some of those high-maintenance, mamby-pamby dudes – I use the term dude loosely – try  too hard to alter their appearance on a regular basis.  For the normal dude – now the word normal is used loosely –  it can be frustrating.  Year after year the only change to our appearance to look forward to  is gray hair and wrinkles.  Maybe growing a beard really isn’t that bad after all!?.

One last comment about facial hair, especially moustaches.  Entertainment Weekly said it best in a recent Bullseye entry.  “Moustaches should only be worn by Tom Selleck or 70’s porn stars.”

I prefer to swim, of course.  Though sometimes I wonder, but let’s not go there right now. I swim  every other week as my schedule and/or the schedule at the pool permits. It’s great all-body exercise – good breathing maintainence, too.  Remember, it’s all about the breathing.

I pride myself on being a picturesque swimmer, always conscious of stroke technique. I can even breath on both sides when doing freestyle – a challenge from a friend decades ago.  It’s one of those great ‘show-off’ things because so few people do it.  Often I get bored too easily while swimming, so I alternate between the four stokes.  I’m not one that can dive in and swim freestyle for an hour.  I like changin’ it up.

For the longest time I’ve realized my freestyle kick was off.  Nothing bad, really, just a poorly learned technique habit.  During those Lawn Aqua Swim Team days  I referenced in a previous post, I was more of an upper body swimmer during practice, hating kicking drills like you wouldn’t believe. When it came to meets, I would add my ‘kick’ and actually do quite well.   Since swimming never went beyond those summer days, my kicking issues never needed to be addressed.

Until now.

So, there I was swimming along, really not thinking about a whole hell of a lot and… my kick changed.  Kinda’ through me for a loop. I stopped and did the stupid astonished-look-on-the-face, “hmm”.  Waited another minute or two and swam another length.  Since I was thinking too hard about it, I fucked it up, of course.  I waited a few more minutes then continued my workout.  My new kick returned.   I’ve swam numerous times since and never looked back.  Though during swimming that would be hard, looking back and all, but you know what I mean.  Who would have thunk it, eh?  This ole’ dog CAN learn new … kicks.  Sorry, that was a really bad attempt at humor.

I know I included a clip from Caddyshack in a previous post, but this is way too funny AND applicable to pass up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th_aBzrV37M

So here’s something fun.  Considering the last post was a eulogy and the one before that was an angry rant, fun is definitely in order.

My wife went to the local library branch only to realize the annual book sale was in progress.  She returned home with not one but TWO books on etiquette.  Remember I have children.  Books on etiquette are probably a very good idea.  Besides the books were like fifty cents each and the whopping proceeds went to the library.  Though I’m certain my overdue book fees surpassed that sum already this year.

Anyway, the first book was Emily Post’s Etiquette 15th  Edition.  She is the undisputed expert in the field; the Julia Child of etiquette.  I reminded my wife that I had actually purchased an earlier edition decades ago.  I was rough around the edges and decided a little help wouldn’t hurt.  Unfortunately I never read the book, using it primarily for reference when faced with socially awkward situations.  Remember it’s me.  I’m always in socially awkward situations.  The book either got lost in various moves or pitched because I realized it was hopeless cause.

The second book intrigued me – The Everything Etiquette Book  by Nat Segaloff.  The format is similar to those ‘Dummy’ books of which I’m familiar.  Very user friendly and not a lot of fancy words.  So I flipped through the book.  Chapter Twelve –  FAUX PAS: Etiquette Tips You Can’t Live Without caught my eye.

Eating Like A Human Being –

From what it says, “excuse me, may I have a comb for my potatoes?” IS NOT the proper way to inform your host there is a hair in your food.  Still my eating habits serve as constant entertainment for my children.  I enjoy my food.  Is there anything wrong with that?

Personal Hygeine –

I failed in this category miserably. Belching and rippin’ a good one ARE things to be proud of.  Yes, I refrain from doing either in public when possible, but sometimes it just feels right.

You Know Better Than That –

• Accidental Eavesdropping.  To me there is nothing accidental about eavesdropping.  And, I am very good at it I might add.
• Irritating Habits – I have none of these.  Next topic.
• Unintended Insults – If only my mouth had a rewind and re-record function.
• Asking Someone’s Age –   At the pharmacy we KNOW everyone’s date of birth.
• Comments on Plastic Surgery – It’s amazing how people share information like this WITHOUT EVEN BEING ASKED. Women can be quite proud of certain ‘enhancements’.  If you know what I mean.

Well, that’s it for know.  I’m certain this book will stick around for awhile.  Not for it’s intended purpose, of course, but its ability to make me laugh.

I lost my mentor and friend this past week.  I’ve known for a while her time was limited.  This was apparently her second bout with throat cancer.  And, when the word ‘Hospice’ is mentioned… .  Well, that is never good.  Hospice is wonderful, but needing Hospice is not.

I grew up with her kids, swimming and diving our summers away at the local pool.  Everyone in the neighborhood spent their summers at Lawn Aqua.  It was wonderful.  The years passed – college, marriage, kids.  Then, my writing began.  I’m not certain how my friendship with KPH started.  I just remembered that she was an English teacher.  Somehow I asked her to read through something I had written.  She accepted.

Poof – we instantly connected.

She was encouraging, supportive, and, did I mention, SHE WAS AN ENGLISH TEACHER. Thank God for her red pen.  That really hot chick from  Revenge  would be envious at what KPH could do with red pen.  The ‘P’ in KPH was actually the word Penn.  Though I never knew whether Penn was a middle or maiden name.  Come to think about it, if I were a better writer less red pen would have been needed.  Oh, well!

KPH edited everything I have ever written.  Her eye was keen.  I valued her critique.  Since most of you have read something I’ve written, you all know the extent of my grammar and spelling skills.  Remember it took me six months to realize the word ‘essence’  was misspelled then another six months to correct it.  Need I say more?  I have corrected some bad habits, though.  Unfortunately,  I still use way too many comas and definitely overuse the word though.

I could go on of course.  But, I won’t.  Instead I will end with a few lines from John Newton’s  Amazing  Grace.  Forgive me for being cliché but the words just … fit.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

I hate flu shots.  I hate all immunizations.  I hate the stupid smiles plastered on the happy faces of the stupid customers as they walk up to the wrong window of the pharmacy and say  – “I want a flu shot.” And, yes, as a pharmacist you can spot those fucking smiles the moment the customer walks into the fucking store.

I went to pharmacy school.  I am not a nurse and never wanted to be one.  These so called services that retail pharmacy chains offer now are almost a hypocrisy.  It’s a façade; corporate greed disguised as ‘customer services’. A few years back prescription profits started dwindling.  So in their infinite, fucking wisdom, the corporate idiots decided that immunizations were a gold mine.  Maybe they are, but those corporate idiots aren’t the ones giving the damn shots.  I am!

If you haven’t already figured it out, it was a very difficult immunization weekend.  People are so … stupid and careless when it comes to their immunizations and health care for that matter.  Just knowing the service is there and available is reason enough to get every immunization possible.  Even if it’s not necessary.  Why the fuck does someone who will never leave Traverse City need a Typhoid vaccine?

Considering the following ‘immunization anecdotes’.

THE HAPPY COUPLE – When asking a couple waiting for flu shots who wanted to go first.  The husband promptly pointed to his wife and blurted, “her! She’s going first.  And when you give her the shot,” he continued vehemently, motioning wildly with his hand.  “Stick her in the head and move the needle around slowly.  Make sure it hurts.”

And you all thought I was angry?!

THE TIME-MANAGEMENT CHALLENEGED FAMILY – It’s 4:30pm on Sunday.  A couple approach with their college-aged son and request flu shots.  After the appropriate paperwork was processed and the elderly father made really stupid comments about everything.  “Are you giving the shot?” he chided the technician.  “I hope it’s not your first time.  Because that would really be bad.”  Ha.Ha.Ha.  Fucking idiot.  Then the  threesome hovered around the check-out counter, hindering others from approaching.  When asked to step aside so the next customer could be assisted, the woman responded, “the ad says there’s no wait.  We are in a hurry.  We need to get our son to college.”

Let me get right on that  was my first response, of course.  Not!  The kid probably came home from school Friday.  Here’s the kicker – after all that bitchin’ the family shopped in the store AFTER I gave them their shots.

THE ‘I’M ALLERGIC TO FLU SHOTS BUT I STILL WANT ONE ANYWAY’ WOMAN – Yes, someone IS that stupid.  It does get better.  She proceeded to ask if we could administer her flu shot in incremental doses over the course of three weeks.  Only then does she not have a reaction.

Anyone?

Look, I write fiction and I couldn’t dream of half this shit.  It’s some good material; disturbing, but good.

• First and foremost – my REVIEWS tab has been found and updated.  Thanks cousin Mike.  I decided to leave Dianne Bylo’s review on the home page.  It was my first review.  And, it’s awesome.  Why wouldn’t I?
• I actually fixed the spelling of the word ‘essence’ in the Random Nonsense box on the right.  Though, my spell check on the edit post screen is not working.  So you know what that means – more misspelled words.  Oh, well.
• My jaw is much better.  I went to the dentist and he actually adjusted my bite.  Felt really weird for a few days.  My mouth didn’t know what to do.  Couple that with the prescription from my doctor – I’m a man with a new jaw.
• Still working on the whole sigh -v- diaphragmatic breath thing.  Sometimes a heavy sigh just says it best.  Furthermore, I would sound like a fuckin’ pansy if I ever corrected someone.  “That was NOT a sigh,” I would insist.  “It was a diaphragmatic breath.” See what I mean?!
• I decided to hold off on the KOBO link.  I wanted to wait until it could benefit the local bookstores.  Neither one is ‘connected’ as of yet.  Besides, few know KOBO.  I hope it takes off and follows through on its mission statement.  Though I just received an e-mail alert from KOBO.  I guess  there’s some ‘questionable content’ in e-published material being protested in the UK.  Who knows?!

Anyway, I just reread what I had written and realized I needed to include something fun.  Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddmXM-96-no

A new technician started working back in the pharmacy some time ago.  After the initial ‘newness’ wore off and she was more comfortable with our working relationship, she commented that I sighed a lot; often quite heavily.  Of course there was no suitable response.  She was correct.  Then after a few months later, she too began to sigh; often quite heavily, I might add.  When I called her on it, there really wasn’t a suitable response.  I was correct.

To maintain my pharmacy license, I need thirty hours of Continuing Education every two years.  Ten of those must be live.  Yes, that means I either have to sit in front of the computer listening to some boring ass lecture on who knows what and type a comment here or there just to prove my attendance OR I have to sit in a banquet hall at the local hotel listening to some boring ass lecture on who knows what.  Considering my computer skills and inability to tolerate online anything, I choose the latter.  And it always seems to be that the boring ass lecture is on the most perfectly beautiful day.

So, since the temperature was 74.3 in October, the sky was the most pristine blue possible, and the leaves where just beginning to change, I decided to attend one such event.  And, … I’m glad I did.  Yes, you read correctly.  It was a great seminar.  The topic was “Calming the Overactive Brain”.  Though some contend that I don’t have a brain at all, let alone an overactive one.  The subtopics were interesting – sleep disturbances, anxiety disorders, and how proper breathing technique – see where this is going – influences pretty much everything.

One particular interesting tidbit described DIAPHRAGMATIC BREATHS.   These are way cool.  It’s like a sigh without all the negative connotations.  The instructor took it even one step further.  Proposing the following exercise.

Inhale slowly for 3 seconds, hold for 1 second, then exhale deliberately for 4 seconds, saying three positive words.  Doing this randomly throughout the day should curb the ‘anxious response’ to a more manageable level.  He probably never worked retail.  Since I’m certain  he does deal with some really challenged individuals.  So, it  might work.

As I writer though, I realized there was a problem.  Consider the following sentences –

He sighed heavily.

He exhaled diaphragmatically.

See what I mean?

We all have our neurotic health moments.  That being said, I will continue without embarrassment.  Though I’m certain when I edit this post before publishing, the delete button AND the ‘you are such a freak’ button are certain to utilized.

For the last few months, I’ve been experiencing jaw pain.  I guess I never realized the extent of the jaw pain until a masseuse stated how tight my jaw actually was.  Of course there was the sly comment, “is there something you’re not saying?” My response was a forced smile.  What I really wanted to say was, “shut the fuck up and continue the massage.”  But that would have been angry, thus defeating the whole purpose of the massage.

Fast forward to a few days ago.  Yes, my jaw was still tight; a petty  annoyance more than anything.  My wife came home from the store and proceeded to tell me about some dude that she hadn’t seen in awhile.  Apparently, this dude’s wife had jaw pain AND it turned out to be a brain aneurysm.  THE SIZE OF A DIME, NO LESS. *  So you can only imagine where that went and how it escalated.  Yes, I called my doctor, babbling on to the receptionist about how my wife convinced me that I had an aneurysm.  Other minor issues that would’ve never warranted a doctor’s appointment had happened intermittently.  I’m getting old, for Pete’s sake.  According to a snot-nosed – but nice guy – technician I used to work with, I am half-way to dead.  These things happen.  But when these ‘minor issues’ are combined WITH the jaw pain … it has to be a brain aneurysm, right?  And don’t even get me started about goggling health issues.

I was happy the appointment was the next day.  Otherwise, I would have cancelled. By the way, my doctor and his staff are awesome.  They have to be to deal with freaks like me.  But, let me remind you, I’m usually not this neurotic.

Upon arrival, I apologized and brought a cupcake for the receptionist and nurse.  I tormented them with my rambling – they deserved something.  At least I’m a nice freak, eh?

Well, the good news is I don’t have an aneurysm.  At one point in my conversation with the doctor we joked that everything here in Northern Michigan is a result of either allergies or anxiety. Mine, of course, is allergy mediated.  Why would anyone think anything else? Now is probably a good time to reference  an excerpt from my novel when it truly wasn’t an allergy attack.  I was delusional  then.

My Life As A Retail Pharmacist – A Fictionalized Memoir excerpt

*Just wanted to qualify –  I am not discounting what this man and his wife are going through by any means.  I am completely empathetic to their situation.