Adam Thomas, RPH

Why the hell can’t women let men have anything their own?   They’re always trying to manipulate something that’s been previously  male-orientated or, more appropriately, ‘make it better’. (Note – sarcastic tone is implied) .

Yes, that was a harsh opener.  I did have something else written, but it was lame.  So I just decided to get right to the point.  That said, I will present the evidence.

Case in point #1 –

I refill water containers at the local Culligan dealer.  Our tap water sucks, a softener isn’t in the current budget, and my wife is a water snob.  So the dealership is an affordable alternative.  However, every time I exist the establishment parking lot the sign – “Hey, Culligan Lady” glares back at me.  I’m not sure whether this is just a local franchises ‘update’ , a cute little joke, or what.  I don’t fuckin’ care, but come on.  Wait  I really DO care.  Still, come on! The Culligan Man has been around for like 75 fucking years.  Actually, I’m surprised the poor guy has  lasted this long.  Though he’s probably castrated by now.  The ironic thing is that no one on the service team is a woman.

Case in point #2 –

His favorite recliner, now available in “hers”. *

Well, isn’t that special? It’s probably available in a rainbow of awful pastel colors that is certain to enhance any decor, too.  Right? Even if it is uglier than all get out no woman would admit the fact that it was a bad idea.  The recliner has been conquered, so who cares?   If a man came along and tried to makeover a chaise lounge or even a love seat, for that matter,  he would be branded some derogatory, but ‘nice’ term that totally demasculinized his sexuality.  But when  a woman does it,  it’s totally acceptable of course.

I realize this is pointless.  Especially since this issue has been around since she decided the cave needed a remodel.  It ain’t over, yet.  All I’ll say is that this post does preface something I’ve been working on.  Until that time, I’m gonna drink some Culligan Man water while sitting in my favorite recliner.

*Recent La-Z-Boy ad with Brooke Shields no less

Apparently some insurance group claims that 62% of all distracted driving accidents can be blamed on the “seemingly innocuous act of being ‘lost in thought’ “.  Furthermore, it is supposed to be even more dangerous than texting.

Well, I doubt that especially when the definition of distracted driving is “any activity that takes your eyes off the road, hands off the wheel, or mind off the primary task of driving”.  As far as I’m concerned, that is texting.  But that’s beside the point.  My first reaction to what this insurance agent had to say and  all I could possibly think about was – How  Would  Walter  Mitty  Respond ?

In case you didn’t know, Walter Mitty is the amazing main character in the short story The Secret Life of Walter Mitty by James Thurber. Unfortunately Walter Mitty leads a mundane life constantly belittled by his overbearing wife.  Hmm… .  Life does imitate fiction.  Anyway, in order to cope the dude mentally escapes, imagining himself in desperate situations.  Then, he  saves the day.

Been there, done that.  Correction.  Still there, doing that!

In Walter Mitty’s defense (and my own, of course) countless self-help books focus on the fact that this IS what you should do to succeed;  imagine yourself in positive situations.   Take me for example.  I am constantly imaging myself at book signings with hoards of people frantically pining for my autograph.  Better yet, my book  My  Life  As A  Retail  Pharmacist – A Fictionalized  Memoir  is number one on the New York Times Best Seller List.  By the way, if you haven’t purchased a copy, please help this cause.   Click that little book cover icon on the upper right.  Still only $3.49!

All I know is that if I didn’t Walter Mitty my life I’d be … challenged.  Especially at work.  My God, if only those people knew what I was really thinking.  Rest assure I do concentrate on the tasks at hand and maintain professionalism while doing so.  But after that,  it’s up for grabs, man.

To continue would be … mundane? But I will leave one last thought, though.   I am truly convinced that Walter Mitty officially coined the phrase reality sucks.  And if he did so while he was driving, which I’m certain he did, both hands would have been on the wheel, looking directly at the road before him.

INT. RESTARAUNT – LATE EVENING

Open with wide shot, panning restaurant until stop on WAITER.  Follow waiter from table 1 to table 2 where he delivers dessert to COUPLE holding hands.  After coffee refilled, waiter departs.  Couple smiles coyly at each, then attention changes to dessert.  MAN begins immediately, while WOMAN  methodically removes rectangular mint from top of cheesecake and places it on side of plate.  Man finishes his dessert, sips coffee, and spots mint on side of plate.  Minutes later mint remains untouched; conversation is light/whimsical.  Man reaches over, retrieves mint, and brings to mouth, then stops.

MAN

You weren’t going to eat this, were you?

WOMAN

(horrified look on face)

I was saving it for last.  But not any more.   You breathed on it!

In my defense, I really didn’t think the mint was going to be eaten.  Far be it from me to let something, especially a dessert item, go to waste.  To this day,  I still plead ignorance.  IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL, OKAY! Though it falls on deaf ears; my wife never lets me forget THAT story.

But it does resonate an ugly habit that is becoming all too prevalent lately.

It is easier to ask forgiveness, than it is permission.

A minor ‘cutting in line’  incident happened to me while loading the chair lift in Snowmass.   Since I was on vacation, I did not let the rude behavior of a stranger bother me.  I just flipped the bitch off and was on my way.  This perpetrator neither asked forgiveness nor permission.  So she got a double flip.  Later that day, I was sharing the story with a friend and he introduced me, if you will, to the phrase bold-faced above.  It didn’t take long before I realized how frequently the concept is abused.  Let’s not even talk customer service situations.  That has cluster fuck written all over it.

Unfortunately there is little that can be done.  Since the majority of the general public is comprised of idiots, the options are limited.  But … I’m still hopeful.

For me, I’m changing remember.  I’m no longer polite.  Moreover that creative retaliation I mentioned in a previous post will definitely be put to good use.

So, this will be fun. Very fun.

Our coffee is as hot as your girlfriend’s sister.

and

Our beer is as cold as your ex’s heart.

Neither of these inspirational phrases need additional commentary.  Though I’m unsure which made me smile wider.  Hot coffee is key, but the cold heart, I mean beer,  is classic.

*Roy’s is a general store/gas station that’s been a staple here in Traverse for years.  I don’t know who’s been gettin’ philosophical, but keep it up.  It’s hilarious!

Oh, the irony.  And on the same day as my last post even.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/whoops-target-apologizes-offering-manatee-173537848.html

Recently, I was told that I was ‘too polite’.  The comment really didn’t register then partly because I was at work and it was from someone who is somewhat compromised in their own way.  But the more I pondered the observation, the more I realized its validity – I am too polite.  If someone bumps into me at the grocery store and it’s clearly their fault, I end up apologizing.  Moreover, my initial reaction to the previous post was – “Wow, I should apologize and claify what was written.  It sounded so severe.  No one is ever going to send me another Christmas card again!”

Apart from the over-dramatazation of that reaction, some who read the post may interpret it in that unintended way. And that’s what fuels my constant need to apologize; even when I do nothing wrong.  Quite frankly, I’m over it.

So what happened? How did the general public become so … freakishly sensitive.  Well, I’ll tell ya’.

The political correctness conscience has become so heightened that people are offended by every word that is spoken and/or written. I could rant on and on, but all that really needs to be said is this  –  deal.  Grow a set while your at it too, you pansy-assed whiners.

For me personally, it’s a learned behavior.  I blame this thing I call a profession – retail.  When situations arise and the customer is in fact the one at fault – remember I wrote an entire novel about this –  if an apology or acknowledgement of the situation doesn’t happen on my part, that customer is often disgruntled.  This is not good. God forbid said customer  fills out the damn receipt survey.  The monthy delight score goes out the fuckin’ window and there’s hell to pay.

It’s draining; physically, mentally, and emotionally.  So, I need to change.

Yes, I realize that I do need to continue to work.  Though I can be ‘creatve’ with the way I handle situations at work.  Believe it when I say that I am very creative.  Really it’s these personal interactions that need the overhauling.  All I gotta’ say is, I pity da’ fool walking through the grocery store distracted by some handheld devise that bumps into me and growls as if it’s my fault.   The only thing sorry will be their ass.

Those who know me realize that my bark is much bigger than my bite, but remember I’m changing. Right?

No, this is not another weather comment.  Though it does best describe the scene out of the kitchen window.  Anyway, … .

It’s about photographs of all things.  I have never been a picture guy.  I don’t take them.  I don’t want to be in them.  Pretty much want nothing to do with them.  But something happened this past week that actually made me appreciate them.  If that is at all possible.  In a fortuitous turn of events, I was included in a wonderful event in a friend’s life.  The detail aren’t important.  Well, they are, but if I even try to explain you will get bored AND I will ramble.  I want neither of these things to happen.  That said… .

I wanted to find a picture of me wearing a certain college baseball cap from, like, over twenty years ago.  Since I liked pictures even less then, I turned to my wife’s stash.  Of which she has quite the collection AND for good reason.  With a worthless, POS like me what other options are there?

I was pessimistic about what I would find, but I feverishly scoured through piles and piles of pictures.  Yes, going to Wal-Mart and getting duplicate prints of  the same pose photographed from  three different angles was a great idea then – note sarcasm.  Now, looking through each duplicate pose was  … tiring, but in doing so  I realized again how damn adorable my kids actually were ( and still are).  Only parents can appreciate this revelation.  With every picture there’s the ‘i remember that’ and ‘wow, that was really fun’ comments running through my mind.

It made me smile.  And thankful for the opportunity to revisit such memories.  Alas, I found what I was looking.  However,  I am determined to continue to go through the remaining piles.  I did only make it through one kid, ya’ know.  Equality with children is key.

Don’t worry, I’ll still pitch a fit come Easter when the request for ‘one more picture’ comes from my father-in-law.  That’s just something that needs to be done.  But this time, I may be a bit more sincere with the ‘forced’ smile.

P.S. – who sang the song mentioned in the title of the post?

In a constant effort to increase my exposure, I am joining groups and updating bookshelves on sites such as Shelfari and Good Reads.  Doing this made me think.  Often this is a bad thing, but this train of thought is applicable to what I do – write and read.  So that leads me to the question proposed in the title of this post –

What IS on my bookshelf?

I just finished reading  The  Firm  by John Grisham.  Great, quick read especially for someone like me who is a slow, slow reader.  I brought it skiing and just finished it now.  Told you I was slow.  Anyway, this is my second time through, of course.  Though having three books and a screenplay under my belt since the first reading, I think I appreciate what Grisham creates even more now.

Mr. Murder by Dean Koontz.   Love this book.  However the only book of Koontz that I have read.  Sometimes he teeters on a genre that I really don’t frequent.  But Mr.  Murder continues to wow me and keeps me interested read after read.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury.  The legacy of the book speaks for itself.  I even referenced passages in a previous work of my own.  That’s how much it stayed with me.

A few years back I reread  The Great Gatsby.  Fitzgerald uses beautiful words and sentences them in even more beautiful ways.  I’m humbled to know I will never write in this manner.  But I accept that.  I’m just not wired that way.  Also, I write for pure entertainment value.  Nothing too deep and impactful.    But there is often purpose in what I write if I must say so myself.

The Power of Positive Thinking  by Norman Vincent Peale  has been read so many times that a rubber band is needed to hold the book together.  God forbid I dropped it when it was loose.  Pages would be everywhere.  I stole the copy from my mother long ago.  She’s fine with it.  Remember, I work retail pharmacy.  The American public sucks every bit of energy and optimize out that I have.  My battery needs to be recharged often.  It’s either that or therapy.  Though some say I need both.

Well that’s how the books on my shelf stack up.  There are more, of course.  I’ll save that for another post down the line.

Unfortunately, winter is NOT done with me or Northern Michigan, for that matter.  Who am I kidding? Like I mentioned in a previous post, Traverse has two seasons – winter and July.  Really the before and after winter part is more ‘transitional’ than a season.  It could be worse, especially considering the Plain states are bracing for Tornado season.  Though I hope they don’t start naming those too.  That’s not only dumb, it’s just wrong.

I’ve lasted longer this year than in years past.  Usually I come upon this realization mid-February when there is a very long winter road ahead .  More snow and less frigid temps are probably the reason this year.  Though I did have bad timing with some overnight snowfalls.  The Morning Scramble inhibited my snow removal, yielding a ‘Quantified’  mess of a driveway.  One estimated, yet measurable ice chunk from the end of the drive was the size of Rhode Island with the thickness of the majority of pharmacy customer sculls.  The ice chunk probably has more patience though.  While I’m talkin’ shop, depression medication use is at an all time high.  So, I’m thinkin’ the rest of Northern Michigan is also done with winter.

Over the weekend I de-snowmaned the house.  No more winter decorations can be found.  Except for the damn icicle lights that still hang from the gutter.  But it would be a cluster if I even tried to take those down.  Hint – bad decision, stupid move AND what-the-hell-was-he-thinking story.

Lastly, I got a hair cut.  It was long overdue, but the longer hair coincided with the winter.  Since the temps haven’t increased, my head is now cold.  I’m not complaining, though.  At my age, I’m just thankful I have hair to cut.

That’s it – I’m done.  Bring on the … transition!

Consider the ‘Ode’ over.

P. S. – I’m done with scarfs, too.

Refreshingly Brilliant Writing !!

“My Life As A Retail Pharmacist” had me from page one! If you have EVER worked in retail, or dealt with customers not at their best, you can feel for the main character, Adam Thomas. Written with attitude and humor, the author builds a realistic world around a character whose life has taken a huge spiral down the toilet. Adam is a pharmacist for a large retail company in an upscale northern Michigan tourist haven where he deals with the daily pressures of customers, doctors, management, everything that goes with his job. He’s good at it, even though he is getting burned out. One customer with one prescription, and one self-important busybody cost Adam his job, his reputation and his dignity. He refuses to swallow his pride and apologize, after all he didn’t do anything wrong! How does he fight back? He sues for wrongful discharge, among other things!

Unfortunately, Adam is not the quintessential rock, he is insecure, unsure and completely out of his element in this new world. His family life has always been strong, but even the home front is suffering at times. His attorney is full of himself, but good, devious, and hopefully worth what he will cost.

Although the subject matter is serious, the telling of the tale is often almost hysterical! Adam is so normal in so many ways, so out of his element in this litigious society, he is priceless as a character! Tanya Stenke-Branch, the busybody, was portrayed in larger than life evil! The question is, will Adam prevail in court or will the system roll over on him?

I HIGHLY recommend this book for its entertainment value and the author’s refreshing look at the world! “

Dianne Bylo – reviewer for Shelfari/Kindle and all-round cool woman

To celebrate this wonderful news, I have placed the book on SALE for the month of March.

  $3.49 

Just click on the icon to the right to purchase a copy.  While you’re at it buy one as a gift!