Adam Thomas, RPH

Haven’t had an ‘Ode’* in awhile.  Regardless, if anyone deserves an ‘Ode’ it is Mr. John Grisham.  He IS the pop star of the written word.  Other authors have written equal if not more than 28 novels like Mr. Grisham – Dean Koontz, Steven King, Nora Roberts.  But few have the T. Swift mass market appeal and Madonna longevity.   J. Gri is the man with da’ word; the legal word to be exact.

Entertainment Weekly recently published a ‘cheeky book questionnaire’ completed by John Grisham to celebrate the release of his latest legal thriller  Rouge  Lawyer.   The dude even has a witty sense of humor.  I hate him.  Of course I don’t. I’m just jealous.

http://www.ew.com/article/2015/10/28/john-grisham-books-my-life

Here are some highlights from that  questionnaire and Random Nonsense from me.

• The Firm was my first hard cover Grisham novel I purchased.  It was an amazing thriller.  Wasn’t a big fan of the movie, but I love Holly Hunter.  So it wasn’t all bad.
• Presumed  Innocent  by Scott Turow motivated Grisham to complete  A  Time  to  Kill.
• I have a Barnes and Noble mug that has John Grisham’s mug on it.  I really don’t use it.  The gold rim leaves a nasty aftertaste.  Really I just bought it as motivation, hoping I, too,  will have my own mug someday.   Only mine won’t have a gold rim.
• Of the non-legal type – one Christmas , a few baseball, and some other random topics,  The  Painted  House  is the only one I’ve read.  Not a big sports book reader – even if it is fiction.
• Theodore Boone – Kid lawyer was/is a great teen series.  Appealing for both young and old readers.  My mother gave it to my children, but it ended up on my bookshelf – wonderful, yet simple.  Besides it was entertaining research for my next project.   Hmm … .
• John Le Carre  is referenced as a go to book for Mr. Grisham.  This would be where we disagree.  The Le Carre  book I read made me angry.  Maybe  The  Little  Drummer  Girl  is better choice.  I may have to trust Grisham on this one.  But I don’t know. I’m still a bit angry about how the book I read ended.
• The Partner is my favorite Grisham go-to read.  Probably read that story five times.
• I, too, have pretended to read numerous books.  Faulkner isn’t one of them.  I just never read him.
• There’s a great ‘cheeky‘ blurb about how J.G. had to go into a book store to purchase his own book for some reason.  He paid with a credit card.  The clerk never said a word and  ‘never looked up’.   Ah, customer service at it’s finest, eh?

When Entertainment Weekly asks ME to complete a  ‘cheeky book questionnaire’ ,  I will be honored.  I will totally rock it.  While I’m drinking coffee out of a Barnes and Noble mug with MY mug on it, of course. Then the only aftertaste will be that of perfectly sweet success!

*Because this is a literary based post about a literary ‘rock star’ I need to qualify one thing.  An ‘Ode’ is technically a ’emotionally enthusiastic poem’.  I’m not a poet, okay.  But I like the word ‘Ode’ and the ‘Ode’ posts are usually emotionally enthusiastic.  So … ‘Ode’ this!

First things – mind out of the gutter, people.  This relatively new craze is all about serenity and stress relief not Jenna Jameson’s new film.  Since the majority of the coloring books have drawings like the previous post, the female gender IS the target audience. So the gutter is safe.  Besides, who else would color tea cakes?  Though there was a coloring/activity book ( BadASS Buttocks) with some 38  bare butt cartoons. The objective was to color/create underwear for those ‘fannies’.  Really didn’t care to research that book any further.  Butt, I will say, none of those drawings resembled Ms Jameson’s derriere.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/13/coloring-for-stress_n_5975832.html

According to the article link, the adult coloring book is supposed to “… let the color and the lines flow.” Apparently, your stress is supposed to ‘flow’ away too.  Well, isn’t that special. (sarcastic tone implied).  Not if all the drawings to color are similar to that in the previous post from SECRET PARIS  Color Your Way to Calm  by  Zoe De Las Cases they won’t.  That’s some pretty detailed artwork.  And that was the least intricate offering.  That type-A female personality will surely experience panic attacks attempting to finish this calming activity in the allotted I – Phone next generation scheduled timeframe.  Throw in the 152 crayon choices and  Xanax will no longer be reserved for gay summer weddings.

I’m kidding, okay.  But there is some validity in what I presented.

Now for some Random Nonsense on this waxing topic:

• Crayola is my crayon of choice.  Rose Art is a cheap imitation in my opinion.  Once I snatched a four pack of triangular-shaped crayons – CrayAngle from Classy Kid, Inc. –  from a restaurant .  Way cool.  However,they remain untouched in the box.  I suck at folding maps, so removing the crayons from the box is probably a bad idea for me.
• No BadASS  Buttocks about it, I’m a COLORING BOOK snob.  None of this activity/coloring book shit.
• I have a completion issue.  I will not leave a picture unfinished.  Usually I assess the time I have and chose the picture to color accordingly.
• In the film  The  Last  Holiday ,  L.L. Cool chases after his love interest, Queen Latifah, who jetted to Prague.  Unfortunately, Mr. Cool’s character was NOT cool on flying.  The passenger next to him – a child – sensed his apprehension, offering his coloring book and crayons as distraction.  It worked.  Of course it worked.  Its’ a Romantic Comedy.
• As with the texting thing (ADM THMS July 15, 2015), I started this craze long ago.  In high school and college, a coloring book and crayons was always within reach.  I’m sensing a pattern here.  If only I can cash in on these ideas of mine BEFORE they become ‘the next craze’.  I’m trying with this Fictionalized Memoir stuff, but … .  I could use a little help.

Well, there you have it.  I could continue, butt Jenna Jameson, I mean,  SECRET PARIS is, ah, waiting.

I need to … flow.

I finally unpacked the Halloween decorations and started the festive makeover process.  I’m quite late this year; actually have been for the past few years.  As the kids grow, the urgency to decorate the house for every season/ holiday kinda falls to the way side.  It’s sad though.   Decorating breathes new life into the house, making it fun.  You know – shake up that daily routine a bit.  I really don’t miss those damn window cling leaves.

Halloween has really come a long was since I was a child.  Unfortunately with that, the retail powers that be have attempted to make changes to the standards that have been around for decades.  Case in point, the decision to include  purple as an alternative to the traditional black and orange.  Purple?  Why the hell would purple be the chosen color?  It doesn’t even have anything to do with autumn.  Who knows. Frankly, who cares? Black and orange probably offended some demographic minority somewhere somehow.  People are such whiny pansies now days.  Boo-fucking-who.  Deal with it.  I’m a traditional black and orange dude myself.  But enough of this purple shit – next Halloween topic.

A few years back, being “Ghosted” was the ‘in’ thing.  It’s like ding-dong-ditch without the angry, ‘damn kids’ neighbor backlash.

http://www.ghost-a-house.com/

If you are looking for a fun way to get in the Halloween spirit, start the You’ve Been Ghosted game in your neighborhood. In the game, one person secretly tapes a picture of a ghost on the doors of two neighbors. The person also leaves a bag of candy and a note with instructions. The note says to leave candy and a ghost for two people within two days. The picture of a ghost shows everyone whose house has already been ghosted. If everyone plays along, the neighborhood is full of ghosts within a short time

Lastly, my favorite Halloween costume memory – a college friend and I decided to be each other for a Halloween party.  I totally rocked it.  My friend, who was me, of course, didn’t.  I AM a hard one to duplicate.  This is probably a good thing.  Still, no one can pull off being me better than …me.  I had the easy costume/personality to mimic  -small town Iowa – double Engineering major – farm boy.  All I had to wear was jeans, a flannel, work glove, and a olive ‘slicker’ and I was good.  The hardest part was the nerdy engineer persona.  I was a pharmacy major, so I was kinda half-way there.  It didn’t matter though.  After everyone started drinking, no one really cared.  But it was way fun.

Well, that’s my trick-or-treat take on the first of the many holidays this time of year.   Happy Fall!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_Nzw2Z3YDA

By the way, my mother-in-law makes the best pumpkin pie I have ever had.

You may laugh more in the next fourteen days than you have during any comparable fourteen -day period since you were five years old.  At least I hope you will.  It will be the best possible tonic for your physical and mental health.  Even more than usual, laughter has the power to heal your wounds, alert you to secrets hiding in plain sight, and awaken your dormant potentials.  Luckily, I suspect that life will conspire to bring about this happy development.  A steady stream of antics and whimsies and amusing paradoxes is headed your way.  Be alert for opportunities.

That was my horoscope for the week of Sept 21 – Sept 27.  The dude who penned the above prediction, Rob Brezsny, is quite … different in his weekly offerings.  To be perfectly honest, I enjoy his odd, yet often profound insights.  Yes, it’s still reading a horoscope, I get that.  But when the observation provided is presented as such, I’m gonna stop and … laugh a bit.  Mr. Brezsny is correct – I do need to laugh more.

Unfortunately during this fourteen day stretch, I failed.  Don’t get me wrong, I had my share of ‘life conspiracies’ and ‘amusing paradoxes’.  And, yes I did chuckle at the irony.  But saying I laughed more than when I was five would be slightly incorrect.  I’m not sure I remember five that well.  Be that as it may, I tried though.  Really.  However, retail pharmacy kinda numbs the ability to laugh outwardly at ‘antics’ and ‘whimsies’.  If I laughed, I would probably be fired.  Hmmm … .  Tempting, but not wise at this time.

Example:

(By the way, this is better than a ‘a man walks into a bar’ joke.)

A woman walked up to the consultation window.

“May I help you,” I asked as politely as humanly possible.

“Yes, I have a sick chicken,” she responded gravely, then continued.  “And, I need a lubricant so I can cath  my chicken.”

Since I have never had to catheterize a chicken before, I knew little about this topic.  However, being the staunch professional I am, I instructed her that “all available  lubricants are down aisle 5.”

She thanked me and was on her way.

Yes, once she left I tried to enjoy the moment, but there were three other people in line that were irritated that she even asked a question, regardless of its content.  Come on, “I have a sick chicken???”  That’s some funny shit, man.  BUT I COULDN’T LAUGH!  See the dilemma here?  Furthermore, trying to laugh about the ‘silly woman and her damn chicken’ two hours later is pointless.  Don’t even get me started on my futile attempts to recreate the scenario for co-workers and a possible stand-up routine.  Three words – lost in translation.

So, what do I do?

I’m still trying to figure that out.    In the mean time, if you know any good knock, knock jokes send ’em my way.  Remember, I need to be ‘alert for opportunities’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1d7vrmeF-nY

Ohio Turnpike toll variance:     75 cent – $6.75 there and $6.00 return trip – same distance – go figure

Number of episodes “Hot in Cleveland”:     128 episodes over 6 seasons

documented uses for Duck Tape brand duct tape:     101 and counting?

my daughter’s textbook drop pass that assisted a goal:     priceless

Yes, hockey has started and we are on the road again.  This trip took us to lovely Cleveland, Ohio – 438 miles away.  I was never a big fan of Ohio.  In college, the Ohio State Buckeyes were arrogant; a constant nemesis to my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes.  Last year we travelled through Ohio, including Cincinnati.  We unanimously decided we are not fans of the state by any  means.  Now Cleveland … .

Coming from Chicago, I get the one-time toll payment arrangement.  But two things seemed rather odd.  The first was mentioned above.  According to MapQuest, I travelled the Turnpike for 91.8 miles EACH WAY.  Why on earth was there a 75 cent variance upon return? Secondly, there really are no exits along the Turnpike.  Instead Service Stations are strategically positioned every some thirty miles, offering food and gas and dog parks.  Hmm… .  I’m not really a claustrophobe, but I kinda’ felt a bit … trapped.

“Hot in Cleveland” was the forty-something version of the “Golden Girls”.  Never watched the latter, thankfully,  but “Hot in Cleveland” was consistently funny.  Wendie Malick was my ‘Hottie’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-Ad4fu-BJg

Though the premise of three Los Angeles women finding Cleveland a wonderful place to live baffles me after travelling there.  But then the show did get cancelled.  Maybe they had location shoots and realized how ‘sketch’ the place actually was.  My daughter loves the term ‘sketch’.  By the way, there was an expressway incident involving three police escorted Trailways Precious Cargo buses, a white truck and a Hyundai Sonata that was totally sketch. Totally.

Avon, Ohio is the headquarters for ShurTech Brands, including (drum roll, please) Duck Tape.

http://101usesfor.com/duct-tape

The durable cloth-backed tape first appeared during World War II, when Johnson & Johnson developed an olive drab version as a handy way for American soldiers to waterproof their ammo cans. According to the company, soldiers dubbed the product “duck tape” because it forced moisture to flee “like water off a duck’s back.”

Troops realized that the tape was good for more than just keeping their powder dry, and after the war, it caught on as an easy and effective way to seal, among other things, heating ducts. Johnson & Johnson even began offering a silver version of the tape specifically for this purpose, giving rise to “duct tape.”

So which is correct? “Duck tape” has the chronological upper hand, but “duct tape” is a more accurate description of the product’s historical use. To make things even more complicated, though, it’s no longer used to seal ducts! You could always just hedge your bets the way the leading manufacturer does when it bills itself as “Duck brand duct tape.”

So, there you have it, my Ohio MasterCard moment.  As for my daughter’s drop pass, … .  It truly was priceless.

At the dinner table the other day, the word ‘shed‘ was referenced.  Not a shed that is constructed to house various outside maintenance tools.  Not shed for when one loses unwanted weight – shed 15 pounds.  But shed, as in ‘shed a tear’.  Translation: Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.  I have never heard  the phrase ‘shed  a tear’ before.  I’m a guy.  When we need to ‘go’ there are countless, more creative ways to explain our exist from the room or conversation. Then the word ‘moist‘ was mentioned and, well, not only did we have a vocabulary list started but this man had a topic to blog about.

So, here’s a random list of nonsensical words my family came up.  Like everything else in my life, there is no order in which the words are presented.

• shed – little else needs to be said about this entry.  Besides, I just ‘drained the vein’ so I’m good.
• residue – this word was actually on a school vocabulary list for my oldest daughter.  When it was read aloud, the entire family cringed.
• seepage – another offering from my son.  Right up there with residue as far as I’m concerned.
• squishy – Personally, I have no issue with squishy. I think it’s a fun word, but my youngest daughter wanted it added to the list. I could never deny such a simple request.  So, squishy it is.
• reflect – I could use an entire post for this word – note: disdainful tone.  Though I think it should be reserved for therapy sessions,  women with  relationship issues, Hallmark cards, and … .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV72YrB1454&list=RDnV72YrB1454

• portal – I hate this fucking word; damn portals are everywhere.  To me, a portal should be some cool Sci-Fi vortex that takes adventurers to another dimension.  Not a Talent / Learning Portal to ‘interface’ with new company software technology or some bullshit like that.  What’s worse, now medical offices have Patient Portals.  No patient wants to use  or has the patience to use such non-patient centered computer applications. Ugh!
• artisan – way overused and often in the wrong context.  Yes, frozen pizza may aspire to have an artisan crust.  But then it’s frozen.  There is nothing artisan about that.

Honorably already mentioned in previous posts:

• moist – Eddie Murphy’s impersonation of the Klump matriarch in “The Nutty Professor” validated this least favorite word for our family long ago. (the dinner table post 03-20-2015)
• testimonial – here’s my testimonial.  Everyone who writes a testimonial is full of shit or trying to sell something that’s full of shit.  (you should write a testimonial post 08-13-2014)

Lesson over

The other day I had to contact an out-of-state pharmacy for a transfer.  The woman who answered the phone sounded like a giddy twelve year old.  When I asked to speak with the pharmacist, she stated that she was the pharmacist on duty.  I immediately rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm and continued on with my inquiry for the transfer, knowing full well she was probably newly registered and just  received her first paycheck.

Oh, I was wrong.  Very wrong.

“So,” I inquired snidely, “how long have you been working retail pharmacy?”

“Fourteen years,”  she responded excitedly.

I was dumbfounded.  Before I was even able to process this freak and her even freakier answer, she continued.

“But, I just gave my two week notice.” She paused momentarily, sighing happily.  It was apparent she loved not only saying the words but hearing them spoken as well.  “And, guess what? I don’t even have another job lined up.”

She continued on like the energizer bunny with phases like “… I hate it that much”  and “even my father told me to quit” .  Then she informed me she was divorcing her “money-sucking hog of a husband” that was “the indentation in her sofa“.

Wow! That’s like the best spousal slam ever.  ‘… the indentation in her sofa’ . This woman was hilarious.

Then I realized I hated her.  My hate was rooted in jealous rage, of course.  Not as much rage as she had goin’ down.  Still, I was totally jelly. See,  I’ve longed to give my two week notice.  For those of you that have followed, I’ve previously posted my thoughts, desires, and regrets  regarding my professional choices.  Moreover the lack of opportunity in my chosen field.  Though as of late, I feel it more a personal choice than professional decision to want to move in a different direction.  Fortunately for the above mentioned ‘brother in arms’, she has no children – only that ‘indentation’ she so fondly referenced.  So moving on is easy for her.  Shit, I think she even mentioned  moving back home until she regrouped.

Neither of those are options when you are the income in a one income family.  Just having the time to regroup would be a fuckin’ luxury as far as I’m concerned.

My jealous rage was instantly curbed by the harsh reality that IS decision making.  I’m certain my comrade will be fine.  I’m happy she has the courage to change.  And, I’m certain this was not a spontaneous decision.  She’s a pharmacist.  As a profession, we are rarely spontaneous.  She is well aware of what she is doing.   I commend her actions.

I, too, have my own change on the horizon.  How and when that change is going to come about will be exciting and welcomed.  Though I can tell you right here, right now the ‘when’ is the hardest part.  It always is, eh?  Oh, and that two week ‘notice’ of mine will be an expressive, yet succinct two words.  And, they won’t be  “Be well”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiRSqhYZlWo

Summer is winding down, but until September 21, it’s fair game to still talk summer even if the weather AND Labor Day contend otherwise.  Besides, I lost a few weeks when I was hijacked.  So work with me here.

Let’s talk weddings.  Summer / Fall is usually the time to say “I do.”  Take me for example, I did on  September 25, 1993; twenty-two years and counting, and counting and … counting.

Another I did was to attend two very nice summer weddings.

The first was a family wedding in Milwaukee, WI.  I hate Milwaukee, but it was my nephew and she’s  a Cheesehead.  So, you go to Milwaukee for the wedding.  Oddly enough, I think she’s lactose intolerant.  Hmmm.  My family decided to make a vacation out of it, traveling to The University of Wisconsin, Madison beforehand.   Remember I went to Iowa.  This really wasn’t a conflict of interest for me because Iowa clearly dominates Wisconsin in every aspect.  Yes, Wisconsin had a good Basketball team last year, but that by no means makes up for previous years or decades or … .  I could continue , but this post is about weddings not Big Ten rivalry.

The ceremony was at an Art Museum.  The reception followed at a restaurant/banquet facility in the heart of Milwaukee.  Big city weddings are just that – BIG.  The reception didn’t disappoint.  Neither did my brother.  His ineptness trying to casually ‘slip in’ because he arrived late amused my children endlessly.  All in all, it was a great time.

One little tidbit about Iowa. I did attend many weddings during and after going to college there.  Like I stated above, everything I had ever known about weddings  was BIG.  Then, I went to Iowa and … I was pleasantly introduced to something different.  An intimate ceremony was in the church.  The reception immediately followed in the basement of the church with the keg out back in a BFB* filled with ice.   There really was no RSVP or three week destination honeymoons.  It was refreshing and nice.

The second wedding I did this summer was a first; an absolutely wonderful first.  We are talking beach wedding and semi-beach casual attire.  I even wore flip-flops.  It was amazing.  Not wearing flip-flops, but the wedding.  The sun peeked out of the passing billowy clouds just as the couple recited their vows.  Beautiful.  Then the guests strolled across the street to the reception under a tent adjacent to the family cherry orchard.  Yeah, it WAS all that.  Simple yet elegant.

The last I did was find this link to a hilarious SNL skit.  It’s from 2013, but probably found new life considering a recent Federal ruling.

Enjoy.

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/new-xanax/n37070

*BFB – Big Fucking Bucket.  More often than not, it was a trash can.  However, referencing a trash can at a wedding sometimes has a negative connotation.  But it was a keg – no one really cared what it was in.

First of all, I am not an Uncle Eddie fan by any means.  And don’t even get me started on Randy Quaid.  I’m sure the Canadian Police don’t want to talk about him either.  They just want him behind bars.  For the record, the original  Vacation was the best.  Haven’t seen the 2015 remake yet – heard I’m not missing much.

Now, onto the genesis for this post.

I hate RV’s .  I hate tourists, too.  But the tourists (or those Florida Snowbird people) that drive or tow  those big fucking RV things are the worst.  Throw in the words, “I forgot my prescription.” And, well, that has innate and expressive all over it.

One beautiful, Northern Michigan morning I was perfectly synched to get to work  – which is an enviable 4.5miles from my house  – with enough time to eat my donut without interruption.  Then, I got caught behind an RV.  Did I say that I hate RVs? Well, I do.  Especially this particular RV because  I was not able to enjoy my donut that morning.   To amuse myself, I attempted to turn this anger into something more positive and blog about it.  I decided to write down the names of all the RVs I saw driving around town, hoping to incorporate that into a funny ‘rant’.

• Wildwood DHX
• the Admiral
• Rockwood – Signature
• Jay Flight

my favorite – the El Monte RV  going places with smiling faces

These are just a few of the models I recorded in a relatively short time span.  Oh, by the way, that smiling faces shit was ON THE RV.  Note: I wasn’t smiling.

Unfortunately, the Un-random Nonsense of my life took over.  And, well, let’s just say … my shitter was full.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fyS5CLBgyM

I e-mailed  a friend of mine, requesting assistance.  I had the post theme but drew a complete blank on how to present it.  I didn’t want to ‘hate’ on tourist and RV’s for an entire post.  That can be funny, but it can  also get old pretty quick.  Fortunately, my friend came through immediately.